Lost my adult son too suicide

I have posted on here before I guess I didnt come back as I couldn’t even cope talking.My son committed suicide in march I thought I was healing just slightly but truth be told I’m not at all.Moments of despair just come at you it doesnt matter where you are.shop house walking anytime.everyone doesnt talk about it they are so distraught and sometimes I feel like saying yes he did exist please let’s speak about the happy times but nobody does.but they are also in so much pain my other sons and daughters.I absolutely feel sometimes I wish I wasnt here even my health is not great but the despair makes me have I dnt care anymore about my health.Just want to be with my son.Then you think about your other bearns but the power of the grief is so overpowering .

Hello Chodz. So sorry you are on this wretched journey. A dreadful shock and very early days. It’s good that you now feel able to come back and talk. I find it helps a lot as only those that have lost children themselves can truly understand.
I am determined that I will talk about my child whenever I want to. Our children will always be our children and I do not understand how people can be so insensitive as to act as if they did not exist.
My daughter died unexpectedly, in August last year, after being intermittently ill for many years. It was totally out of the blue and a massive shock. I understand you feeling that you wish to be with him. It is no different to to being in such massive physical pain that you want to be out of it. It is the love for others that keep us going but it does not diminish the pain.
Others that have suffered this dreadful pain tell me that we do find a way and it does get better but it does take a long time. So many bereaved parents have survived that we have to believe it and hang on in there.
Do try the Compassionate Friends group. It helps tremendously.
Keep talking and reading.
Sending you hugs and strength. Xx

I’m so very saddened to hear you have lost your daughter too:(( Its absolutely horrific to go through.I was at a family bbq on saturday past.Everyone avoiding me my son watching to see if I’m talking about it when I was approached once.Well I did talk about how saddened I am but I wish family and friends wouldn’t avoid talking about my boy.There was many happy funny times with Lee I ask them why cant we talk about the funny times?? But its change the subject.Makes me quite angry on top of the pain.I have told them how that makes me feel to get over pain we need to look at the happy parts of his life all the laughs we had with kees antics he was a beautiful boy and the ladies were fond of him.I remember a girl I was in school with came to my door many years ago saying Lee was dating 2 girls one of them her daughter it was terrible I quite often had these moments.but they were all young and we laugh about it as we got older.in fact the mothers of the girls were at his funeral we all grew up together in the same street.even the minister joked about it in church how he was a romantic.I never imagined he would do what he did.Lots to live for and loved his children.He was I’ll fir sometime as he lived in hertsfordshire and us in Scotland it was easier for him to hide.I feel that if I had gone down to see him I might have saved him:((( I feel I wish I had gone down there.xxMuch Blessing to you xxx

I am so so sorry to read your story. I lost my husband in April but I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through.
I know that because you are a mum, you put on a brave face for your children to try and help them cope with each day and because you worry they worry about you, you try and be brave.
I am doing the exact same thing and it’s exhausting.
I don’t honestly think there is any way of easing the pain right now. I know it will ease, for aĺl of us with time.
Just know that you will be in the hearts if everyone who has read your post.
You will find the strength to carry on.
Sending hugs your way.
With very best wishes

It is very exhausting I think I should go down to my Buddhist monastery here in Scotland on a wee retreat sit by the river listen to the birds and go into the temple.I have had lots support from the monastery they think I should go down and stay a while.But then I seem to find it hard making a move to do so with the fog I’m in and so tired all the time my diabeties has went completely bonkers.I do know that grief can affect your health greatly but it’s the loneliness you feel as everyone avoids me mostly because they dont know what to say I suppose but that’s actually worse that they do that.Makes you feel quite alone.Being strong for everyone takes its toll how I wish they would say remember that time Lee did this or that the fun we all had but it’s like he doesnt exist anymore but he does through our memories.I am a Buddhist and all the teachings I’ve learnt the past 20 years have been difficult to put into practice in everyday life just now.Mindfullness I try but grief is the most difficult time for any living being.Losing a family member is very hard and my child should outlive me not me them.my son was 44 and for me it’s a repeat of history I cant come to terms with as his father did the same thing and I found him I was 17 years if age.It seems to be a few on his side of the family over decades but i never thought for a moment it would happen to my son.My doctor has said I’m dealing with grief of losing my child and its brought up the trauma i witnessed when i was a girl.Its just traumatic.I spoke to my son the night before he lived in hertsfordshire I live in Scotland.I asked him to cone up for a while or as long as he liked but he didnt want to leave his young children.The next day he did at his work he took his life.I still cant understand it at all.Keep going through my texts I got from him the night before.I wont ever know why he took his life.we took him home to the highlands he is buried in cemetery near my brother and my parents.I travelled up from the Angus area where I now stay the last 4 years and went to the grave with my daughters who live up there.I look at his flowers his name and just lay down on grass beside him sobbing.I cant get him back I didnt want to leave there I just wanted to stay.im back in Angus but I feel I need to move back home to be near him.xx

I have been exploring Buddhism Chodz. Do you feel it helps you?
Has anyone else any experience?

Hi Chodz,I felt compelled to send u a reply.I lost my son just over 3 years ago ,he got told at 22 that he had terminal cancer,he survived just for 9 months.I can’t describe to you the pain I saw in his eyes willing me to tell him everything would be ok,I couldn’t and he knew this.This is just a little of my beautiful boys story ,but I’m answering your text for your boy,people just don’t get it they don’t know what to say to us.I take the lead now when people ask me how many children do you have(people who don’t know me)I say three I lost my boy but he will always be my boy.Dont be hard on yourself god it’s sich early days,I didn’t want to live without my son some days I still don’t,but he would say mum get up get dressed see the world for me,look after my beautiful daughter,so I get up and face the world as best as I can.please realise you are in the earliest stages of grief,your son is your boy always will be ,you shout as loud as you can about him.xx

So sorry to here your story , it so hard isn’t it , grieving is worse process ever and I feel for you. My losses were not suicide but the pain still there , people avoid me or do I advoid them so I don’t get hurt any more I really don’t know . My double loss was last year in March and I thought I was in control , but last week I lost it again , said didn’t want to be here etc so today I have a counselling appointment so expensive too , always hear to listen take care