Lost my beautiful boy

My beautiful son took his life last July at 39. it was his third attempt. Every day is like torture, I just know I will never get over it. He was a beautiful person, so kind and empathetic. He was incredibly sensitive and got hurt so easily by others. From a very young child I would protect him as much as I could but as he got older it got harder. He came to Australia at 21 and made his first attempt at 23. The whole family moved to Australia to be with him. There were lots of ups and downs but no more attempts till last February. I remember his face when he came round and realised that he had not been successful, he was devastated. He lasted another four months and took his life on July 15th 2020. It is so unfair when there are so many horrible people walking this earth and beautiful people like him cannot stay. A few days before his death he wrote “Some of us are born different, like constantly on the outside, It’s not that I am too sensitive, too emotional or too anything for that matter. It’s just that most others don’t possess the same capabilities. I’ve stopped expecting others to be like me”

Good morning,

I am in the UK, so 12 hours behind you.

This is terrible. I am so so very sorry for you. It sounds to me like he simply didn’t get the help he needed to understand himself. There is a whole spectrum of disorders that can make people feel the way your son did. Most of them are emotional disorders, that can be treated by drugs but are better dealt with by therapy of some sort.

This happened to a someone I know here, she lives a couple of miles away. Her son had moved to Australia - he was doing well out there. But he was a party boy, and when he came to the UK in September he used to spend a week in Ibiza. His mother knew he took drugs, but when he came back from Ibiza, he was different. The health system in the UK is complex, they called the GPs who said they could do nothing but told them to call the mental health crisis team, who said he was safe at home. None of this is true, but it’s what happened. If a GP had seen him, he could have initiated the process that would have led to a mental health detention under a section.

This is the UK, the health service is massively underfunded. We live in a small community on the Humber Estuary, there are usually 6 GPs here along with locums. But in the summer the population quadruples because of the various caravan and camp sites here - it is a lovely destination for tourists. The GPs simply cannot cope. The mental health team, as far as I know, sit around drinking coffee and tell people what to do. It is ridiculous.

But the end result was that this young man took his life. The ambulance came in 5 minutes, the air ambulance came also, and after over an hour they told the family that there was nothing they could do.

There is an organisation in the UK called SOBS, you can reach it at this link: https://uksobs.org/we-can-help/suicide-bereavement/supporting-the-bereaved/supporting-friends-and-family/

There may be an Australian equivalent. If there is, they can help you to find this.

My heart goes out to you. A friend’s father did the same thing. He really loved his wife, but after she died, he got married again to a sort of trophy wife. She used to come back saying, look what I bought, a new coat or whatever. He was a farmer, with enough money to pay for things like that. His son went to see him one day and he had taken his life too. His new wife was asleep in bed, blissfuly unaware of what had happened. She just took off with as much money as she could get and left.

Once again, I feel for you. This is the hardest loss to bear. But please try to reach out and talk to other people who have been through the same thing. It is very difficult I know, but I think that is the only way that you can begin to come to terms with your loss.

Christie xxx

Hi Christie,

Thanks for your kind words and the link. I am from Essex and understand how stretched the NHS is over there. I think mental health care is sadly lacking in most countries though.

I always knew my son was different and it wasn’t until his attempt last February that he was diagnosed with quiet Borderline personality disorder. It differs from the regular BPD as sufferers take all their pain inwards as opposed to being difficult to others. Because of Covid, he could not have any one to one therapy. Instead he had phone consultations for a few months which did not really help him. He said to me it was scratching the surface of something he did not know how to deal with.
It is interesting that you mentioned your friend’s son and the party lifestyle. I know my son took drugs on occasion throughout his life as it was a way of escaping his pain. When he felt suicidal his drug taking would escalate, which in turn made his feelings of hopelessness worse. Eventually it would get him into the headspace to end his life. He took his life in a hotel room in Sydney, paid in advance for his funeral and left notes for everyone. He told me how much he loved me and said he would never have made it this far without me. I know he is at peace now, I just have to find a way of living this new normal life without him

Hello Tori,

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I can see you are getting support from our lovely members, but if you feel you feel you need extra help or support please consider contacting the following.
The Compassionate Friends - for families who have lost a child of any age. 0345 123 2304 https://www.tcf.org.uk/

Please continue to post to get support from the forum. Please remember we are here for you during this difficult time.



I am afraid that I think this stuff about borderline personality disorders is just bluff that psychiatrists & psychologists use when they just can’t get to grips with what’s going on. It’s ridiculous.

Shrinks use a thing called the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual, which I think is now version 7 or 8. I did some psychology at Uni, and also looked into psychiatry, because I was then thinking about a career in medicine.

Thankfully I escaped, I was in uni just before the sex discrimination act came into force. I would have been thrown out of medicine in this country because it was - and sometimes still is - sexist and racist.

I am white, but 1/8 Chinese, which most people don’t see. You can see it only when I smile. But people easily guess. My husband, who died last year, got a gift from me at Christmas for a genetic analysis. He is totally white - or he thought he was - but in fact he is almost entirely East African, according to his DNA. Now, I don’t care, but his family fit the genetic prototype very well. Small women with big bottoms, etc… In Africa, to be fat is an honour, because there is almost always a famine there.

They are probably the descendants of a few slaves who were brought to the East End of London in the 17th Century. As Phillipa Gregory, the writer said, one of the ironies of history is that the people who now form Nazi-racist gangs in the UK may have descended from these slaves as well.

Sorry for that diversion. I lost my husband last year, and one of the things that helped me was knowing that in life it is inevitable that one of you will die first. It was sudden, it hurt like a sword, but I knew that it would have been worse if we had lost a child. I am really sorry to say that, but it’s true, I think.

Just before the first lockdown in 2020, Jim and I read that a local young man had ended his life. We always meant to try to meet his parents, but in September Jim died.

I managed to do that a couple of weeks ago. I realised that we already knew each other, the mother of the boy had worked in the Post Office in the village before it closed down. So we had a long talk with each other that ended with a hug, and I left, with a promise to keep in touch.

So I feel for you, I really do. If there is anything else I can do, send me a direct message. I have a Zoom account, if that works for you.

Christie xxx

Thank you Julie and thanks for the link


Hello Tori
I feel your pain. Im so sorry for your loss. My beautiful 25 year old daughter passed at the end of January 2021. She was diagnosed with BDP and had made several attempts on her life. She suffered with PTSD after a trauma. We live in Essex and getting help has been painful and mostly useless. She turned to drugs to ease the noise in her head and died from an accidental overdose. Her funeral is Thursday. To lose a child is so utterly devastating :broken_heart: :cry:

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Christie. Losing anyone we love is so painful, but I can honestly say this pain of losing my child is like no other. Thanks for your support

Hi Lin,

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter. Your grief journey is so new and raw. I remember the very early months were excruciatingly painful. All the what if’s and should haves going around in your mind. Even when you expect it might happen nothing prepares you for the shock. It is devastating when you see them suffering and can do nothing to help. My son had two previous attempts before he passed and whenever he had an episode, he would also take drugs to escape his pain. Unfortunately it was the drugs that brought him down low enough to do the act. The mental health resources in Australia are hopeless too. Even nearly eight months on I still can’t believe it sometimes. Please take care of yourself and just take one minute, hour and day at a time. Please feel free to write to me if you need any support. We are walking the same unimaginably hard road :heart:

Hello Tori
My daughter spent 2 years in Australia and I visited twice. She came home and things went down hill from there. 8 months for you is still so new and raw. I don’t think a mother will ever get over losing a child. I have a son and its the only reason I can find to go on. Im sure you feel the same its like having your heart ripped out and trodden on. Thank you for understanding x

Hi Tori,

I have been through what you have been through, my son took his own life in 2019. I have asked myself the same questions that you have. Things will never be the same, but you will learn to live alongside your grief. There will come a time when you can think of your son and smile. Go through what you need to go through, seek help if you need to. Never shy away from talking about your son, he is still very much part of your family. But most of all hang in there with the knowledge that things will never be the same, but they will become bearable.

Hi Denise

Thanks for your reply and the encouragement. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, it really is a pain like no other. I have two daughters and we talk about him all the time. I am also part of a suicide survivor group that meets every week. At eight months into this journey, there are days that are manageable but still some days that I still cannot believe I will not see him again in this lifetime. I believe strongly in the afterlife, as did he. We will be together again

I am so sorry for all your loses, I to lost my 34 Daniel was, Just heartbroken, and sometimes done no how I go on, I try keep busy , I send Daniel a message everyday on messenger, some how gives me comfort, that he’s still here, but I no in my heart he’s not, it doesn’t get easier I just have to learn to live with the pain, even though I don’t want to go on at times, so I don’t have to live with the pain anymore , love to you all Helen x

Hi Helen,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Daniel. It is truly heartbreaking to lose your child. It has been eight months for me but feels like yesterday. I know we will see them again one day. Sending love to you X

Thankyou yes it is, nobody should lose there child, I should be going first before my son, it’s been 16 months and at time I still can’t believe he is not with me anymore, kind regards Helen