Lost my beautiful mum

My beautiful loving brave mum passed away and left me on the 22 September 21, the time since then has passed in a blur. Why as a person can I not accept this ? It’s almost like she’s still here and I haven’t seen her . My head won’t let me accept it it’s almost like if I do I forget her I know this sounds so strange . I’ve cried and cried I don’t know if this is the grieving process but it just doesn’t feel real. I don’t know how I feel o just miss her so much. I don’t show my feeling in front of my children or my dad because I feel I need to be strong for them and once they see me break who’s gonna be strong for them if I’m not. I’ve read about the many stages of grieving and I honestly don’t think I’ve even started yet x

Hi Amanda, I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mum, they are the world to us, and when they’ve gone, it’s unbearable, I still miss my Mum so much, but I think in time you learn to live with it, it’s always worse when something happens in the family that you know she would have loved, grief affects everybody differently, you just have to go with it, take a day at a time, sending love Jude xx

Thankyou Jude for your kind words, everyday is so different some ok days and some very bad days . Yeah a lot of people have said that in time you just learn to live with it . At the moment my heart is broken to the point it aches . Much love Amanda x

Hi Amanda, I’m really sorry about your mum. It is the worst thing in the world. I lost my mum in Jan 2020 she was everything to me, a best friend, someone I could always confide in, she never judged and a beautiful mum. I’ve been reading people’s posts for over a year, but to be honest do find it difficult to write things down.

When. I lost my mum, for months and months I always wake up with a horrible sick feeling in my stomach. I could never get rid of it. What did help was getting up early and going running for an hour. It was a struggle to do it, but I found it took the edge off that feeling by the time I was ready for work. It didn’t stop it totally but enough to let me get through the day. The by product of that I lost a decent bit of weight, which my mum would be pleased about.

However I’m over two years in now, and that feeling every morning and every day is still there, and I actually feel it’s got worse recently! It’s a very draining experience living with it. I’m beginning to think, I need some help or maybe as I haven’t dealt with losing my mum, I try to block it out and feel maybe it’s not going to let me for much longer.

If there is anybody else out there has this feeling, please let me know, and if so how have you managed it, does it ease at some point. I’m not a person who goes to the doctors or takes medication, but I’m thinking I may need to speak to somebody as I do t feel I cant take this feeling much longer, and I know my mum wouldn’t want that. My thoughts are with you all, and thanks for your posts.

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Hi FB33
Yeah I too have this feeling but it’s with me all the time my heart aches almost like it’s really broken, I don’t have suggestions for you to help you cope cause at this moment in time I Carnt even begin to explain how I get through each day. I go to bed pretty early just to try and shut the pain out but I’m having difficulty staying asleep a number of hours then in the morning I’m exhausted . I’m dreaming really weird dreams at the moment too . In my head I believe the journey of grieve to be never ending I don’t think I’ll ever accept losing my mum maybe in time things will become a little easier I just don’t know the answers to any of my thoughts and questions .
I’m glad you found a way to relieve a little of your pain running is a great for many reasons and you losing weight is fabulous news be proud of yourself your mum will give you the energy to carry on to run that little extra in time.
The thing with me is I won’t accept my mum has gone my head just won’t let me it’s almost like when I accept I’ll forget so in my head she’s just somewere and I haven’t seen her for a while . These thoughts mess my head up some days is a real struggle . Sending love x

HI Amanda, thank you for your kind words. I’m so sorry you are feeling how you are. I can fully relate to everything you said. I found it very emotional reading your words as it totally mirrors how I am. As I’ve said I don’t normally write on here, coz if I’m honest I find it painful to do.

I also have not accepted my mum isn’t here, and I’m over 2 years in. Like yourself I just think she isn’t around and I haven’t spoke to her or seen her for a while. I really wish I could make things alright for you, as I know the feelings and anguish you are going through.

For the last few months I’ve been thinking…right I’m going to write down on paper how I’m feeling, then just maybe, I may take another step of seeing if I can get help with these feelings. As you can see, I didn’t write it on paper, I was just looking at posts on here, like I do sometimes, and your message struck me instantly. Which in turn made me write something. So if you can take any comfort, you’ve helped me a little.

When I first lost my mum, I dreamt about her every night for about 6 months, some were lovely dreams and some where awful. I still dream about her regularly, I also write down those dreams in a book, I do that so I don’t forget those nice dreams. As when you wake from one of the nice dreams and realise she isn’t here, it’s a dream, that is the worst feeling in the world, and really starts you off on a bad day.

I don’t know if you like excercise, but I used it to push. All those heartbreaking feelings, would come to the service, and I would use it to push my excercise. It’s not for everybody, but it does help me. It’s not easy, as like you, I struggle with sleep, I have that awful feeling in the morning, and feel Exhausted before you start.

Another thing I do, every day, I always talk to mum, I have a certain spot when I’m out running, and stop and chat to her. I also try and take at least one positive out of the day. All these things help slightly. I do believe we will always have this massive loss in our lives, but I also believe that it will get easier, although we are not there yet. You have to hold on to that.
Hope you get through your day ok. Take care

Hi to you both
I don’t think some people ever accept a loved one as gone , I too lost my mum last July and I’ve struggled every day, I’ve gone through every emotion but guilt still sticks hard with me, I struggle to do anything as I fear if I try to move forward I will feel I’m moving on without mum and I don’t want to do that, I can’t accept she has gone at the moment and possibly never will the sadness we feel is exhausting but I think you learn to live with it, one thing that I haven’t done is had any dreams of mum which is upsetting as I feel that would make me feel closer to her, I just wish I knew she was ok :pensive: hopefully in time things will get easier, all we can do is cope with each day at a time, sending love to you both, take care
Lynn x

Hi FB33
Hope your day as been as easy as possible . Today in-particular as been a struggle mentally and physically for me like nothing has happened I’ve just been extremely sad and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders . Another bad nights sleep which I know doesn’t help. I’ve sat at work and not known what I should be doing almost like it’s a new job and it’s my first day. Still laid awake now what’s on my mind is Mother’s Day how will I cope the first Mother’s Day without her . I wish every night before I sleep she’ll come and see me in my dreams hold me like she used too. God life is so hard I lay and think if I feel like this how must my dad feel 62 years of marriage and then no one . She was the best and I’ll never get over losing her but one thing comforts me knowing how much she loved me unconditionally and let feeling I will never ever forget .
Sending love x

Hi lynne
I feel the same I Carnt accept and never will, she’ll always still be here with me I saw my mum everyday sometimes twice a day she was part of my daily life she was always involved in everything I did and now nothing I feel so empty. I Try and be brave for everyone else but inside I’m broken I cry to myself cause certain people just don’t understand . My husband made a comment tonight cause I said I had a lot on my mind he asked what like ! When I mentioned mum he said it had been ages since and It should be getting easier this totally broke my heart of anything it’s getting harder by the day The pain I feel is intense to the point I feel I’m suffocating I Carnt breath I’m trapped . Some people can be so insensitive. I’ve thought about righting a diary but when I pick up a pen I go blank maybe because all I want to write is angry things , why why why , why me why my mum , I need her she gave me strength when I was down she gave me something to live for she showed me the path when I was lost . I’ve so many things I want to say to her I’m sending you strength and love to get through your journey the journey which makes us realise just how precious and loved our mums truly were .
Love Amanda x

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Hi Lynne, I’m really sorry about your mum. Thank you for your words. I think all you can do is take it day by day. I understand about all the emotions, oh my god, I am a really calm person, but sometimes I am raging inside and feel like I want to shout and scream. Other times I am overwhelmingly sad and low. I am a positive person, anybody who knows me will tell you that. However I find it very difficult near impossible to talk to anybody about my mum, and it’s been over 2 years. I have people I could talk to and would listen, but I just can’t, as I know it just opens up something I really can’t face. I do think about her every day, numerous times, sometimes that’s ok, and others it really isn’t.

Maybe you can find some comfort in others, as we all manage differently.
Take care

Hi Amanda, I’m really sorry to hear you had a bad day. It can feel so lonely I know. Just remember you are not alone. I can tell it’s a really horrible time for you. If I can give you any support it would be, you have to keep going and keep fighting no matter what. Your mum would want you to be ok. I was sorry to hear the comments from your family, I can’t judge but I felt that for you. I’ve got really good support if I want it, I know that. I have two sisters who were devastated losing mum, however I always stay strong for them. My wife is always asking me to talk about it, but I just can’t, I basically close her off which is not great, coz she wants to help. I don’t talk about it, because I know, when She sees me upset, it really upsets her, and I really don’t want that. I have good colleagues at work but again I really can’t go there, as the pain of talking through it is overwhelming. I totally get what you mean about work, my first year was a real struggle, however due to pandemic, work was really full on for a number of reasons, and that really was tough, however may have distracted me somewhat. Sometimes I was actually angry about my job, as I thought it was getting in the way of my grieving for my mum. I think when you are feeling like this and tired it really is difficult to function at work, being around people, making decisions etc. Just be kind to yourself, don’t be hard on yourself, as at the end of the day it’s just work. You really need to look after yourself.

Slightly off track, may make you laugh may not! I may have mentioned I lost a bit of weight through running etc. Anyhow I do fluctuate where I can put a few stone on, then spend s couple of year killing myself to lose it again. Well about 18 months back I got nice and slim, then did the usual and recently started piling back on. So last week I bit the bullet, joined a weight loss app, motivated my self and first weigh in this week I’ve put a lb on haha😀 Part of my problem is work and grief make me eat and drink, anyhow I will not give up. Sometimes having something to really focus on can help you get through the day, I’m really hoping today is a better day for you.
Take care

Hi FB33
Today again has been another very trying day I’m home now but feel very tense and agitated . Counting the hours til bed time. The quietness gives me some kind of a comfort thing I get that from my mum she liked quiet she’s never been a tv fan.
That made me smile about your small weight gain but hey don’t give up it could have been more eh!!!
To be honest I’m a very bad eater I skip meals all the time and then sit and eat a big bag of crisps lol. At least it’s Saturday tomorrow I visit my mum every Saturday and Sunday and have a little chat and give her fresh flowers I hope she can hear me . Hope your day has been a settled day . Take care

Hi Amanda, I know what you mean about the tense and agitation, I get that a lot, you just don’t know what to do with it. Well the sun is shining today and you are going to see your mum, so hopefully that may give you some comfort. I have a spot where I think of my mum, when I’m out jogging, as I don’t live near her grave. It may sound daft but I bring flowers and little plants to it, it’s a very quiet place, and just being there does help. However I still have days when I go there and the emotions can overtake. Some days it can help me through the day, other days it puts me on a bad day.

Thanks for the positive on weight loss! Quite right it could have been a lot worse! Ha! I love crisps also, however I’m on a mission and know I can do it! It’s a beautiful day, I’m normally out running early morning, I’ve had a bit of a lazy one today, but now thinking to go out and have a good run. It’s just gone 10am, I’ve normally been out back and showered by now ha!

Hope you feel a little better and get through the day. Try to take in the positives of the day, the sunshine, nature, the birds and being around your lovely mum.
Take care

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Evening hope you enjoyed your run yes it’s been pleasant here today cool but dry it’s rained so much a lately. I went to see mum and had a chat changed her flowers and cleaned her stone. I feel so close to her there. There was the last time I held mum I placed her ashes in the ground I gave her one last hug and kiss before I lowered mum in. Funny cause before I leave I always ask her to come see me!
I’ll go back tomorrow again as sad as I am it makes me smile . I always do my dads shopping on a Saturday if used to be for them both silly little things set you off. I’ve started to daydream a lot just sit there not really thinking of anything just starting at nothing sounds silly really. Oh well another day over with tomorrows a new day for us let’s hope it’s an easy one . Have a peaceful Sunday take care

Morning Amanda, glad you got to go to your mum yesterday. I had a bit of an off day yesterday, just agitated and couldn’t settle. Tried all sorts to keep me busy, but nothing really worked. Some days are worse than others. You mentioned asking your mum, to come see you. I’ve done that every single day, more than once a day, however she doesn’t come. However I have had signs, you could argue, the signs are just because I’m desperately looking for something. Mum does come into my dreams a lot, so maybe that’s her way of coming to me. How is your dad, must be awful for him, and for you dealing with that on top of losing your mum. I lost my dad 6 years ago, and if I’m honest, I don’t think I’ve dealt with that. I use similar way I use with my mum. I just think I haven’t seen or spoke to him for ages, but he is around somewhere. I also put my mums ashes in her grave, I have two brothers and two sisters, they wanted me to do it. The most traumatic thing ever, which is something you just can’t understand or make any sense of that. Interesting dad died on 31st Jan, and mum died at 11.57 30th Jan, we felt she was going to dad. I do believe some things are connected. Hope you get through today ok, and have another lovely chat with mum. Thanks for your posts, I’ve really related to them, and I hope I may be some comfort to yourself.
Take care

Have you considered going to a medium?
A lot of people are saying they connected with their loved ones (on this site)
I also watched a lot of videos and have started believing it.

Evening I’m so sorry to hear your day hasn’t been easy neither has my day but to fair it’s pretty normal for me now no day seems easy. I always ask my mum to come see me, we’re I walk my dogs there’s a bench every morning a robin comes and sits on the bench next to me I believe this is my mum cause I’ve walked my dogs there for a number of years and never really seen it before but I could also now be looking for signs like you. I don’t dream about mum I wish I did I have some really weird dreams now silly ones like my phone is ringing . We’re having the house decorated at the minute so that’s occupying somewhat . I’m not looking forward to Mother’s Day which is fast approaching but I’ll make sure I spoil mum just like I always did cause like we say she’s still here with me I’ve just not seen her for a while :broken_heart:
Take care

Hi Mummasadughter, My sisters tried a medium, when we lost my dad, they did get something out of it. I didn’t go. At the moment I know it’s not for me, as even though it’s two years since I lost my mum, I can’t talk about it to anybody. If I’m honest in the last week or so on here, is the most I’ve said about mum, since I lost her. It seems easier on here, as you are writing things down without having to talk about it. There’s no easy answer and everybody is different. I really hope you get some comfort you need.
Take Care

Hi Amanda, hold onto that thought with the Robin. I too have had experiences with Robins, so maybe there is something in it. If it helps and gives you some comfort, thats all part of it. This will be my third Mother’s Day without mum. I remember when the first one was coming up, like yourself, I was wondering how will I get through this day. I’ll not lie it was difficult and emotional, but still got through it. I wrote her a lovely card, lit candles and made the day all about my mum. I still ask my mum to help me get through each day, and I feel she must be around. Hope you get through tomorrow ok. I hate Monday’s to start with! So always a struggle on Mondays. I usually ask mum for special help on a Monday ha! To be fair I’m sure she helps out as I always seem to get through it :grinning:
Another week, here we go again. Take care

Hey I saw it this morning the robin had a chat and fed it . I always ask mum to help me through difficult times I’m sure in her own little way she does . Hope your days been an okay day I also hate Mondays and the other 6 days haha
Take care