Lost my beautiful mum

On the 11th March my Grandma rang to tell me that my Mother had passed away at home suddenly, I couldn’t believe it.
Unfortunately with her only being 50 years old, her body had to be taken by the coroners to establish a cause of death.
The week after I had to endure phone calls from the coroners with updates on what tests they were going to carry out. I was so scared they were going to do an autopsy because the thought of them doing that to her body put me under a great deal of stress, but they said that they had taken blood and urine samples but explained that the results could take up to 8 weeks to come back and they decided to do a ct scan on her and I was positive they’d find something but they never did so I had to listen to the news i so hoped not to hear, they had to do a limited autopsy by taken samples of her heart liver and lungs, i was heartbroken. The results for this could take around 12 weeks!!
I have recently received her interim certicates and have noticed that they didn’t even start the tests on her till exactly a week later! Like what the heck have they been doing for all that time? I feel like maybe the autopsy could have been avoided if they acted more quickly maybe I’m wrong but I don’t know.
My mum didnt have any insurance or any savings so I’ve had the extra stress of trying to get the funds together for her funeral as i work and I’m not entitled to anything.
I’ve had to set up a go fund me page and I have hated doing that as I feel so cheeky asking the public for help financially, but i feel that she truly deserves a decent send off.
I’m absolutely dreading her funeral as part of me refuses that she is really gone, how does one get over losing their Mother, I honestly feel like part of me died the day she died and I can’t ever see myself being the same person that I once were. Please someone tell me it gets better in time I can’t bare the pain!

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Hi Jess1,
Just read your post.
Have you been to see anyone about getting help with funeral costs. Maybe the funeral director could help you in telling you what is available. I am not sure about theses things but surely there is help for you .
Deborah x

I have looked into a lot and it seems there’s not much help for me out there, I have managed to get a deposit together using the go fund me and family putting towards, the rest i can set up on a payment plan if needs be. Just going to hate it coming out of my bank as it’ll be a constant reminder that my mum isn’t here anymore but I have to cope so that I know in my heart that I have done her proud. I’m already missing her so so much :frowning:

Oh Jess1,
My heart goes out to you. Maybe you could do the wake afterwards cheaply by doing teas at your home or your mums with just a lovely cake. Or perhaps family members could bring a plate of something to contribute. Or you don’t even have to have a gathering afterwards Many people dont do that.
If its any help the funeral director sent us the bill for mums funeral 6 weeks after the actual funeral and said there was no rush to pay.
Thinking of you
Deborah x

We aren’t bothering with a wake, none of us like the idea of it anyway, just going back to my grans afterwards for a brew. I just feel like I shouldn’t even be organising a funeral for her it feels wrong given how young she was and early she was taken from me. I’ve never known pain like it! I keep looking into seeing a medium and think I’m just desperate to know that she is still here even if I can’t see her! I actually feel like my mind is going haywire :frowning:

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Hi Jess1,
Having a cuppa at your grans sounds a good plan.
I know how you are feeling I had to sort the funeral on Feb 6th for my mum and in the beginning I didn’t have a clue where to start. Every time i thought of songs i cried and looking for something black to wear really upset me.
Your mum was so young and had her whole life ahead of her.
I don’t know what to say to help you except keep posting on here and I will look out for you and I know other people will as well.
We all are going through this awful grief and sometimes posting venting our feelings help. Nothing can bring them back so we have to try to help each other through all this.
I know that I have honestly found true friends on here who have replied and replied to me even though I have repeated myself, been terribly sad, angry, vented my thoughts and just been miserable. If I haven’t posted on here for a few days there are genuine people who look out for me which ahs been so reassuring. No one can take the pain away but knowing there are people who understand does help.
Try to rest as much as you can and continue to make your mum proud of you. That is all you can do for now
Will check in on you again
Deborah x

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Thank you for being there. I have made the decision for people to try and not wear black as I’ve never liked black for a funeral, my mum liked colourful things. And oh my goodness it seems all the music I am listening to lately makes me break down in tears. I had a song in mind that me and her actually made up a dance routine to, it reminds me of good times but my family don’t seem too keen or to understand why I would like to play it at her funeral, when ever I think of anything they seem to refuse so that in itself is upsetting me. It was Madonna hung up, they don’t think the lyrics are appropriate but isn’t it about what memories the song brings, I don’t know I’ve never had to do anything like this before. But i have to make sure my family are comfortable and happy with my choices to I guess. I can’t help feeling like a part of me died with her, I’ve always suffered with depression and I feel like I’m definitely never going to be happy again after all of this :broken_heart:

Hi Jess1
I had never had to plan a funeral before either. I knew what kind of music my mum loved so I used the singers and songs she loved. They were also calming songs and the words were very appropriate. My mum had a church service then we went to the Crem so had a small service there.
My mum loved Andrea Bocelli so we had one of his songs and another favourite of my mums was a welsh singer so we had his song played also.
My son is Lewis Capaldi’s cameraman so as my son was so close to his nan we played Pointless by Lewis Capaldi as a tribute from my son. The words are amazing and exactly what my son used to do with his nan eg taking her coffee, out to fancy restaurants etc and how she made him a better man. I had actually chosen another song but changed it to Pointless because everything is now pointless without her.
Are you having a church service ? If so the vicar will help you choose songs but do what you want and don’t let people dictate to you. Take their opinions but in the end do what you would like for your mum.
I also wrote something to be read at the church but didn’t have the strength to read it myself so the vicar read it for me I also had someone read a poem called It takes a mother . It was so so lovely I shall find it for you and send to you. Just found it.

It Takes A Mother – Helen Steiner-Rice
It takes a mothers love to make a House a home,
A place to remember no matter where we roam.
It takes a mother’s patience to bring a child up right,
and courage and cheerfulness to make a dark day bright.
It takes a mother’s kindness to forgive us when we err,
to sympathise in trouble and bow our head in prayer.
It takes a mother’s wisdom to recognise our needs,
and to give us reassurance by her loving words and deeds.
It takes a mother’s endless faith, her confidence and trust,
to guide us through the pitfalls of selfishness and lust.
And that is why in all this world there could not be another,
who could fulfil gods purpose as completely as a mother.

Everything will make you cry at the moment especially planning the funeral. Listening to songs, having to talk about the service, what to wear, who is doing what and so on. Just take small steps and just do one thing per day That is enough. Good idea about not wearing black if your mum loved colourful things. A friend of mine passed away a year ago and her daughter asked everyone to wear a colourful scarf and also as it was winter time when she passed her daughter said if anyone had a colourful umbrella to take that to the funeral. Many people did and it was so colourful. Everyone is different and a funeral is so person to the family so do what feels right for you. If your relatives don’t think the Madonna song is appropriate ask the funeral director to play it when your mum is at the chapel of rest and ask if you can go and ask if you can visit your mum there and it could be played while you are there . if you feel you cant visit her there then play the song every night to yourself as a way of comforting yourself. That way the song will hold special memories for you. I play a song called Where have you gone by Enya most nights. In the beginning I could hardly play it without crying so much I was almost sick with grief but now i can sit through it and shed a few tears. It does help me.
You could always ask your family to write some suggestions for songs and that way you are involving them. Then choose which ones you like .
None of us will ever truly be happy again . Not the same happiness we once had. We will have to start a new life without our mums and start a new form of happiness. I am no way ready to do that yet as I am in a terrible state myself but when people say I will get over it in time it makes me mad because I never will . Never in a million years.
You will feel depressed its only natural .I do and i don’t usually suffer with depression. It is the worst feeling ever. Try to rest though as much as you can . I try not to watch adverts on TV at the mo as there seems to be a lot about funerals etc and it only upsets me so I avoid TV . I also haven’t been out much as I cant bear bumping into people and making small talk and listening to the comments they sometimes make. I am just not strong enough to deal with the world yet.
Do you work full time?
Thinking of you
Deborah x

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My heart goes out to you Jess1 because my mom died a little before your mom, on the 8th of March. But in her case, she was over 93 and it was expected but even so, it has still been a great shock and the pain is hard to bear. I suppose they have to look into early deaths in case something happened that wasn’t natural so don’t be too upset although I know that is easy to say. But it sounds like they did the minimum possible so that’s something I guess. I know it’s almost unbearable but you can only do the best for your mom and you will at least be able to look back in the future and know you honoured her.

I’d really like to think I did a good enough job at organising her funeral. I can’t believe that 2 weeks have gone since she passed it still feels like yesterday that I got the devastating news. My emotions are all over the place and every time I wake up I end up with an anxiety attack. I seem to be sleeping a lot more than usual which seems a bit odd to me, think I’m just exhausted trying to keep it together! I just feel so lost and I’m also scared, and don’t know what to do, I feel so completely helpless, I’m sorry about your loss to, even though she was a lot older it is still bound to hurt cause a Mother is one of the most special people in your life, right now life doesn’t make sense to me, I mean why are we put here and have to go through such pain and heartache. I just can’t believe that I’m only 32 and got so long without my Mum till we reunite, that’s if there’s even something beyond, I’d like to think there is but it’s hard to have faith with how life can get at times.

The funeral directors have asked me if I wanted to see her, but I don’t think I’m strong enough, besides I want to remember her as the beautiful cheerful woman she was. But I do have doubts about not seeing her to cause in my mind I wanted to give her a kiss goodbye, I’m so confused with it all. That poem is lovely by the way.

Hi Jess1
I do was feeling not strong enough to go to see my mum at the chapel of rest but I went and its such a personal thing that I can’t even try to explain how I felt. It was light being on a different planet as I couldn’t accept my mum had passed . For me I was able to say my goodbye in private and put a rose and card in her hand along with a photo of my son. I am so glad I did that.
You do whatever feels right for you.
How are you getting on today.
Today its the first time I have been out in my garden since mum passed on Dec 30th as I just wanted to stay inside. I did feel better for it but remembered my mum constantly helping me with my garden so it was so emotional but then everything will be from now on as we were always together doing everything.
Keep going Jess. Tell yourself you are so brave and doing your mum proud
Deborah x

I have been to visit my Grandma and my younger brother was over today (he lives quite a while away), being around my family does help but as soon as it comes to leaving them I end up getting really sad and anxious again, I have given it a lot ot thought about seeing her but I’m the type of person to dwell on things and I don’t want that to be my last memory of her, I just hope that further down the road I don’t live to regret it. But there’s one thing the last time I so her it was a happy day and I know that I hugged her and told her that I loved her before I went home and I’m ever so grateful for that special moment. And well done you for getting out of the house, I know how hard it is to even leave your bed in the mornings after such a tragedy! I have been helping my Grandma sort out all my Mums clothes ready for charity and I thought that I wouldn’t be able to cope just doing that but I’m proud that I have! Goodness though that woman had a lot of clothes lol x

Hi Jess,
Aww well done on helping your grandma. Its a tough thing to do. It’s so painful to do but at some point has to be done. Am proud of you.
Deborah x

I won’t lie it has been upsetting to go through her things but at the same time my Grandma needs the help and my mum was so petite not many of the clothes fit any of us lol bless her, I don’t think theyll ever be a day that I don’t miss her x