Lost my beautiful Nan

I’m really struggling after losing my Nan

Here is our story
I was Nans first Granddaughter. I always had a very special bond with my nan as I grown up she spent so much time with her she livid in the house behind me. I gave my Nan her first great grandchild and that only brought us closer

4 years ago my nan went into hospital wit pneumonia and ended up in a induced coma and on oxygen. When they brought my nan of oxygen when she could breath again they forgot to open her breathing tubes and she was starved of oxygen for 4 minutes. The hospital never told us we found it in the notes after she came home. When nan came home she was part brain damaged had lost the use of one arm and struggled to walk. She managed with carers and the help of some family to have a good quality life still.

In July 2020 she was diagnosed with bowel, lung kidney cancer because of how poorly she was no treatment was available to her. When my grandad started to struggle I moved into my mums house 3 days a week who still lived behind her to help care for her. We had a list off stuff she wanted to do but we never managed it as she just couldn’t get out of the house any more. Round about March Nan become pretty much bed bound and wouldn’t get up the last time I got her up was June when I did her a royal family birthday party.

September came and I got a call to go as Nans time had come. The doctors had put her nil by mouth as she was struggling to drink. I arrived to my beautiful Nan sleeping I stayed all night and the next morning some how she woke at 6am demanding whisky. Some how my strong nan managed to stay for 2 weeks. I stayed at her bedside pretty much every day going home every few days to get some sleep. By this point nan was on so much morphine and had lost all consent of time she would be awake at all sorts. The last few days before her passing go to much when I turned her to roll her to change her pads she would scream and cry in pain asking me not to hurt her no more. On the Tuesday I had to go home to go home as I’d got my son tickets to watch Manchester City. I left nan told her I’d be back tomorrow told her I’d loved her. The next day I got a call to get there as soon as I could. I arrived and my Nan was sleeping. With her family by her side 8 hours later on 23 September by beautiful Nan passed away. I held her hand the full time until I had to let go off her.

Since then I visit her in the Chapel of rest most days but I’m dreading that being taken away to. Her funeral is Thursday 3 weeks later. I’m 34 years old and have never lost a person. I’m a very private person and struggle to speak to people. I’m struggling to control my emotions from know where I can be doing anything and I get hit with a sad feeling that takes over and results in a melt down. I can be in a restraunt the gym. There seems to be no trigger. I can barely eat. I sleep but I’m exhausted. I spoken to friends who lost people and they all tell me about strange stuff that happened when their loved one has passed. Nothing like that has happened to me and I’m left with a feeling that if strange stuff has happened for others whys my nan not been to see me. I watch the rest of my family get on with life and feel like im just stuck and can’t bring myself to do or enjoy anything. I see others with there grandparents and it brings me anger that my nans gone. I cant seem to find a moment pain free other than sleeping.
My partner is starting worry very much she just describes me as a empty shell that stares into space.