We were together for 37 years, we were soulmates, best friends and he was truly the love of my life, and then 10 weeks ago, my adored husband, aged 68, died suddenly.
He was extremely fit and healthy, just half an hour before he died he ordered a new pair of running shoes. It was early morning and we were still in bed. He suffered an agonising pain in his head and stopped breathing.
I was told to drag him off the bed onto the floor so I could perform CPR until the ambulance arrived, which I did. 15 minutes later 8 medical personnel were working on him, they tried everything to resuscitate him but to no avail and 30 minutes later they stopped. He was gone. He had gone the instant he stopped breathing.
The first few weeks passed in an agony of grief, shock, confusion, panic and fear.
There were things I had to do, legal matters, arrange the funeral, the wake, communicate with relatives and old friends from afar.
After the funeral, as you all have experienced, everyone’s lives went back to normal, except mine.
We didn’t have any children together, his siblings and his adult son from his previous marriage all live hundreds of miles away. Two siblings have not even contacted me since the funeral, not even to ask if I’m ok.
My own siblings also live hundreds of miles away, they have been more supportive but can only do so much and I don’t want to be a burden.
I constantly feel a need to talk about Terry, to keep his memory alive, but the opportunities to do so get fewer and fewer.
As the legal paperwork gets less, I have more time to think, and that’s not always a good thing. My despair at times frightens me. I talk to him several times during the day, remembering our good times, hiking, fishing, running and just our day to day living. Sometimes this feels good, other times I end up in floods of tears again. I pray that he is happy where he is.
When the weather is good enough I work in the garden. The planting was my domain but the grass, of which there is a lot, we shared and I can feel a connection when I’m tending it. I dread the winter when it won’t be possible to be outside nearly as much.
In fact I dread the rest of my life, I can’t see any point in anything but I won’t do anything to hasten the end. My only desire is to be reunited with my love and every day I ask for this to happen, when the time is right.
I’ve been reading all your posts on here and know that you have all experienced dreadful loss and grief. It does help to know you are not alone in how you feel.
Thanks for reading this.
@Lamorna am so sorry. I lost my 65 year old fit and healthy husband , or so I thought, to a pulmonary embolism in January. We had got up on a Saturday morning, were walking down the road near our house, he suddenly said he couldn’t breathe, my 29 year old son managed to get there with our car, we laid him down along the front seat and a passerby who was a nurse gave him CPR, but he took his last breath while my son was holding his head. By the time the ambulances got there, there were 3 of them for some reason, they took him into the ambulance to work on him, but I knew it was too late as I literally saw the life leaving his face. We left the house at 11 am by 11.45 I was back without him. I have to walk or drive by that fence every single day. I was with him for 40 years and at 60 feel too young to be without him. We had so many plans. I have gone through the stage of shock, disbelief and utter panic, but at 6 and a half months on am now trying to take one day at a time. I do have bad days but I plod on and just hope things will get better . Sending you hugs xxx
Thank you. I feel for you, I really do. I don’t think the shock of seeing your loved one go so suddenly could ever leave you, I know it will never leave me. Three ambulances plus the Air Ambulance as we are in quite a remote part of Cornwall. They tried so hard but I knew he’d gone.
I too am taking it one day at a time but I have many more bad days than not so bad ones.
The only thing I’m glad about is that he went first. He always said to me “don’t you dare go first and leave me on my own”. We’d planned to grow older together, I thought we’d have more time.
I retired last year and we had so many plans. I have my memories and thousands of photos, for which I’m grateful, but so sad that we can’t make any new memories now.
I try to practice gratitude and to some extent it helps, a little anyway. I’m grateful for the fact that we met, that we had so many years together, that we were side by side for all of our life together, that we loved each other so completely.
I’m so lost now. I’m sitting here crying again.
I also took early retirement last year and so did my husband. I lost my dad at 67 so I said life was too short and little did I know how true that was. We were off to India 2 weeks later for my 60th birthday. He was so looking forward to it . It is very painful to think that we should have had years left. We loved our travelling and had been to many far flung places and were planning many more. It is very traumatic like you said, and shocking seeing your loved one die in front of you totally unexpectedly. The last thing he did was told me he loved me, as he was hanging on to the fence, like he knew he was going, it breaks my heart. But I do think I am coping more than if it was the other way round. He worked on oil rigs so am used to being alone, but when he came home we had the best times ever. I am so sorry you are going through this. 10 weeks was a nightmare time, I can barely remember it. I am in Norfolk so am far away from you but am thinking of you xxx