Lost my best friend a soul mate

In August 2022 I lost my best friend and soul mate of 40 years. I cared for her every need 24 hours a day well she fought vascular dementia which slowly took her from me everyday. I’m totally lost without her. I thought I was part of her family who never really worried about her and certainly never helped care for her until I became unwell in January and couldn’t look after my lovely friend completely. Now she’s gone, I look and speak to her everyday, I try too tell her daughter how I feel but just get normal comments, if she can be bother to return my messages. I’m certainly not part of the family so I’m left alone to grieve by myself, sometimes I can’t sleep, I suddenly start to cry, I’m so lost without her and no one to help me though my grief.


Dear @Chris58 I am so sorry for your loss it’s a dreadful time for you and facing it alone is extremely difficult. I recently lost my husband and family have turned their backs so I can understand how lonely you must be feeling at a time when you most need support.
You will find people here who will be kind so please keep reaching out and if you do need additional support try the counselling or grief coach both available through the Sue Ryder website

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Thank you, it’s difficult to cope alone, just want each day to go by quickly, and hopefully I eventually sleep at night. On my own means spending a lot of time thinking about things that I did, said, could I have done something different, did I let her down in anyway, could I have done more it destroying me from the inside out.

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I felt exactly the same and most people on here will have done too. It’s perfectly normal to go over things in your head and even when you are with people things will trigger your emotions. It helps to talk about your thoughts as you need to process what has happened and come to the realisation that it’s not your fault. If you can try to have sleep whenever you can as grieving is exhausting even if it’s just an hour at a time. I found that just short naps helped and when I don’t feel like eating much I try to have small snacks and plenty of drinks.

Hi Chris,
I can so relate unfortunately to what you wrote concerning your soul mate.
My wife also had vascular dementia and passed away after 26 years of marriage.
Her son and daughter then contested the will which is still ongoing, me and my wife spoke about changing it for years but only got around to it in January.

I am lucky to have so many beautiful memories and the knowledge that my wife wanted what was best for me, after 40 years your wife would want the same.

I have found getting out helps me even if it’s just a walk, too many thoughts on your own can drive you crazy.

Have you tried counselling or getting some form of outside help, I realised I needed to talk and sort things out in my mind.

I was just coping day by day and still am to a degree as too much is overwhelming, I do have some great work friends who have been a shoulder to cry on as well as a great sister who is always available to phone.

I believe I am better than I was, although I still have setbacks and am sad often, I can now talk to people about my wife and what a beautiful person she was.

As Jen64 said, you need to process what has happened, after 40 years together you must have some wonderful memories, try to focus on those rather than any negative crap. Not always easy but finding the positives can only help.

Sending love

Joe x