Lost my big brother to suicide

Losing a sibling
1

I have so many people that are here for me, but I can’t talk to any of them because I feel like I’m drowning them in my pain and sorrow.

It has been 1 month as of today that I lost my brother to suicide. I has just gotten home from a boys trip and my sister asked me if I had heard from my brother - I had not. After a couple calls we heard he TRIED to kill himself. I felt scared and worried as I was not aware his attempt was successful. I sped to his house, ran inside and saw 3 police officers standing around his cold body with a ladder and rope next to him that he had used.

I have not been able to talk to anyone so I turned here to try and remove the build up in my head before it starts to devour me.

I understand it is still early in my grief and pain, and there isn’t much that can be done.

The hurt and pain I am feeling has been eating away at me making me worse. Im currently feeling immense sense of passive suicide. I’m not suicidal but I don’t want to be alive rn. I’m having trouble finding reason to want to be alive. Passive suicide - thoughts of death or suicide without a specific intent to act on these thoughts. I am scared this will become non-passive and I will begin to want to act on these thoughts. I’m not scared of dying, but I know my brother would not want this. He always told me how he was so proud of me and how he loves me.

Even so, I am struggling to cope and handle the pain. The last time I spoke to him was a week before he had passed. We had a very good relarionship and I was returning something to his house when I saw him angry and crying which wasnt something i often saw from him. I sat and spoke to him and did what i could to help. After i left i sent him a big message about how much i love him and how amazing he is as a person to everyone he knows. I did not fail to tey and make him understand this. I feel that had i stayed around, and kept constant communication with him theoughout the week this would not hsve happened.

My heart, body, mind feels empty and shattered. Everything reminds me of him and it is so hard to carry on with my every day life. I feel guilty: breathing, walking, eating, being happy, laughing, everything, because why should i be able to do those things when he cant.

It is my first loss, I am 19, he was 25, we were so close so the pain destroys me and absolutley rips out my insides. I am losing the will to live, i want to see my brother, i want to be with my big brother.

The world isnt fair, i need my brother back, i need him to hug me, laugh with me, call me dogdick. I need my big brother back in my life, i am not strong the way he thought i was. I dont have it in me to cope him not being here…

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Hello Gkwy

I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed by the grief.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you’re feeling with us. It is very normal for people who are grieving to feel like you do, or maybe a bit lost and not know where to start.

We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving, and it is often about wanting the person who has died back or life to go back to how we know it. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:

https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide

There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

  • If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

  • You can call 111 and choose the mental health option to speak to a trained mental health professional (England, Scotland and Wales only)

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.

  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.

  • Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You might also want to reach out to Survivors Of Bereavement By Suicide at https://uksobs.com who support adults bereaved by suicide.

You deserve care and support so please, reach out to these service.

Take care, Rhi

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Hi Gkwy, please don’t think you are alone with these feelings. I felt exactly the same way…I’m 53 so slightly different but my younger brother was found deceased at home after taking his own life, in August.
My heart shattered into a million pieces, my life changed forever and so did I. Justin took a huge part of me with him, when he left. I have been through every emotion there is possible, I will never be able to come to terms with my loss and sadly time doesn’t heal…but you do learn slowly to live without them…it’s really really tough. I couldn’t talk about Justin without crying, I still have moments when I catch my breath and can’t breathe, when I hear his songs, see his pictures, remember his cheeky smile and remember the amazing times when we were young. I have learnt to go with my emotions instead of trying to suppress them, it really does help…it’s not an easy journey to be on and grief doesn’t care where you are or who you are…remember the good times when you have overwhelming feelings of sadness but still cry when you need to and shout when you need to…I am nearly 5 months on my journey without Justin, I take comfort that he is at peace and the choice he made was his choice…he will always be my brother and I will always and forever miss him but I carry him in my heart everyday…always here if you need a chat…take care and be kind to yourself, sending big hugs to you :heart: x x x

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Make sure you talk to your family and are with someone all the time. I am sorry for what you and your family are suffering.

Kind regards

Sue