Evening, I lost my Boyfriend back at the start of Feb this year. Andy was my first real boyfriend. My wife left me after she caused a row with my parents that ended up with the police taking her away for a mental health assessment in Dec 23. I met Andy on 14th Feb 24 and we hit it off. I felt as if I found my soul mate and actually found out who I really am. The problem was and still is I’m in a middle of a custody battle then I can get divorced.
I was worried if the ex wife found out she would then target Andy as well as myself even though the courts sees she isn’t stable in her thought process. I didn’t want to put him into that as he also had epilepsy and didn’t want to make the condition any worse.
We were getting on great and started to make plans to find a place and move into together having been seeing each other for almost a year. Being a single father I had to make sure before I expose any new faces to my son.
Over Christmas and New Year his condition was getting worse even though he was on different medications for it. I do know he was drinking as well on it which probably didn’t help.
I usually stay round on a Saturday night and sometimes another night in the week if my parents could look after my son. The week proceeding his death I been round and a guy called him on his mobile and he ignored it. Then on the Friday I called him and said I may not be round till late Saturday as I had a lot of stuff to do. He wasn’t happy and got the annoyed and he usually ignores me. Saturday comes and normally he calls me onto the way to work, he didn’t. He didn’t answer me on the way home either, which he been doing for the last 3 Saturdays in a row. Over the course of the rest of the day I tried calling him but no answer, I messaged him on Whatsapp and he read them as it double ticked so as far as I could tell he was okay. Later on around 5pm he sent me a random voice note about talking about the ferry ect. Which started off like he was talking to me by saying ‘Hello sexy pants’ but soon turned into him talking to someone else. I tried calling him but again no answer. Eventually I went around at 10pm, due to him not responding. I pulled up to see he had his bright white lights on, he only has blue due to his condition on. I let myself into the flat and made my way up the stairs, I could hear him talking and felt as if there was someone else in the flat to. When I got to the first landing there was a coca cola can sat there, he didn’t drink coke fizzy let alone stay near the stairs as he fell down them a few times. I checked the bathroom he wasn’t in there so moved up into the main flat. He was laid half in the bed naked from the waist down with a pair of naughty underwear he would only wear when we would get up to having sex. I checked the rest of the flat and found his phone in the kitchen then went into the bedroom, we spoke but it seemed like he had a seizure which wasn’t uncommon. I moved him into bed and he said that he was in a little bit of pain but was fine. Again this wasn’t unusual as he would rarely go to the hospital.
I spent the night with him and got up, he mumbled to me about something to get later, I said I would come back later and see how he was getting on, he went okay.
I rang him and hour after I left but no response. He been waking up and chatting through out the night (once in the past he was up at 3am and made breakfast) so I just thought he was catching up on his sleep. Got to 1130 and I called him again, yet again no answer. So I went up to the flat, I found him in bed still, called him and shouted but he didn’t respond, his breathing was shallow, I called an ambulance and they were their within 5 minutes. They rushed him off, he had a heart attack in the ambulance, then two more in A and E. I called his parents and then was sent home, they called me back up to Intensive Care. On my arrival he had a fourth heart attack, they told me anymore and they wouldn’t be able to do anything.
When they changed over the Doc told me that his lung was collapsed by 80% and his kidneys weren’t working either along with a bleed that they couldn’t scan to find out where. His parents were in another country and flying to be here. I sat all night with him, holding his hand, waiting and hoping. When they arrived Midday the following day we were told he was having massive shut down on all his internals.
They gave us till the following day to see if they could change anything, they couldn’t. Next day they managed to CT scan him and came back to tell us he was brain dead. His mum and me decided then to let him go and he passed away 2:30 on the 4th Feb. Just ten days before us being together for a year.
His mum who is very religious asked me to get rid of anything out of his phone that she wouldn’t want to see.
The following days I went into his phone and deleted a number of naughty pics of us ect. I also messaged a few people he knew who been messaging him recently to let them know of his passing. I also heard the following voice clip where he said to the guy ‘Hello sexy pants’ which would explain why he hadn’t answered the phone to the guy when I was sat next to him a week earlier.
He also had messaged his ex on Christmas day inviting him round telling him he was still single, he also messaged him again on news years eve when I was with him, I just got into bed and he gone back into the lounge for something, he messaged his ex that he would take him back in a heart beat.
This man I found as my soul mate, so kind, generous, helpful, positive influence had been in fact doing all these things behind my back. The guy who he contacted recently I messaged and introduced myself, telling him that Andy had passed away, the guy rang me straight away and was saying sorry as he wasn’t even aware I existed.
Turns out there was also another guy in June last year, there was also a message from a guy on the Saturday before I went around to his saying that he been sleeping with other men behind his back and will tell any other men what a liar he really is.
I feel so heartbroken and betrayed, he use to say to me, I don’t want to share you with anyone, we won’t have a third in the bed, I couldn’t bare to see you with anyone else. ect… and in fact he seemed to be doing all those things.
I partly feel grief because I did actually love him, it felt as if the world stopped when we kissed and I never felt like that with anyone ever! Then I think of how he betrayed me and didn’t care the much as he said he did. He still had pictures of him and his ex in the flat and on his facebook, the same with his ex as pictures of him on his facebook. He said the reason was his ex cheated and thats why they split and they hate each other, if so why still have pictures of each other? I deleted all my exs pictures. It feels as if I was used and even as a stop gap until someone better came along, I feel so low about myself and lost confidence in trusting anyone, it’s going to take a long time. I feel totally destoryed by a man I loved and now lost. Some who I can’t even asked why the hell he did this, what was he thinking. He even made sure we both did a sexual health kit when I arrived, even though this was my first gay relationship. Turns out the guy he had chatted with did meet him for 24 hours the month before I did, he said they didn’t do anything as he is HIV positive and where Andy wanted it without condoms he refused as he didn’t want to inflict it on anyone else. Andy was a senior nurse in the NHS and if he ever got into hospital he would discharge himself every time. Everything I knew about him has untied in the last few weeks and I feel I didn’t really know this man at all.
Hi @rog84,
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support/share their thoughts, but I just wanted to say thank you for so bravely sharing this with us. Keep reaching out
Take good care,
Ben
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Thank you.
Actually I decided to look for help somewhere else as my post has been edited by the moderator which means no one has the full facts of what I am going through.
My time is precious and I’m not wasting it with organisations that feel they need to remove information.