My brother died nearly 2 months ago, due to alcohol. He died alone. He used to go no contact for a few weeks at a time and it was during one of these times that he died. I found out from a text from his landlady asking me to empty his room. The trauma of of which is eating me up. I’ve had to try and hold it together for my parents, to return to work, to carefor me children etc, but I now feel, well, I’m not sure how I feel. Empty, scared, so bloody tired, panicky most of the time. Today I left work as I was having a huge melt down, while walking the streets I just wanted to lay down on the pavement and sleep. I managed not too, instead went home. I don’t really feel able to continue this way, I want to step aside from it all and just hide.
I too lost my brother to alcoholism, just last Christmas. By some miracle, he didn’t die alone in his flat- he so easily could have, in the end it was in hospital and I was holding his hand. I’m so sorry you found out in a traumatic way. Losing a brother like this really knocks you in ways you can’t ever imagine. On top of the actual grief of losing him, there’s the anger over people who are supposed to care never checking in or asking how you are, nobody talking about him any more, constantly thinking about their children, our parents, milestones he will never be there for… it’s impossible to put into words. I really am sorry this has happened to your family. X
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Thank you for your kind words. I and I give you my sincere condolences your tragic loss as well. It really is the most painful thing to endure. Yesterday I had a triggering message which took me straight back to when I initially found out and I feel as though I am at the beginning all over again. I am lost
I’ve felt that too. People say it’s a rollercoaster and it really is. You can be ticking along one minute then something will send you right back down again. I hope you have people around you who understand that. I’m learning to just let some distance grow between myself and the ones who don’t.
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I do have people I can call on, but feel I don’t want to burden them all the time. Had huge set back the other day, took myself out of work and walked the streets, as the panic subsided, I became so exhausted I just wanted to lay down on the pavement and sleep. Managed not too! I’m feeling so distant from my own body, if that makes sense… I wish there was someone I could go to just rest and put some distance between myself and the grief for a little while 
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