Lost my brother, my dad and my partner

So where to begin 6 years ago I got with my partner she had a terrible relationship with her ex where he abused her and the kids sexualy mentally and physically but we got together because she was a lovely person and we got on so well, I helped her through her tough times and her children who were understandably difficult at best.

Then 2 and a half years ago my brother died of a heart attack but the worst part was that a few days before we were helping my sister move house and when he arrived he was complaining of chest pains and pins and needles in his left arm (we dismissed it as he was also a alcoholic and always had health problems and heart burn and indigestion) while we were moving house he even sat on the stairs looking sad and pain yet I did nothing to help him, if I had he would be alive now, the paramedics even said if we had got him help he would be alive now. I have this unbearable guilt that I should of saved my brother and I don’t know how to get out of it, I have tried doing things with friends and family but I just feel 50% happy that I’m spending time with people I care about but also 50% guilty that he’s missing out because of me. People tell me it’s not my fault but he was suffering from depression and I was always the one to help he but this time I didn’t.

Then just over a year ago we lost our dad to cancer which slowly took him over a matter of months the last 3 days of his life were spent in a hospital bed in a comma while we watched his life slowly drain away. And when we got home my partner wasn’t even home to comfort me and just kept telling me I should get professional help.

Then 2 months ago my partner left me because she decided that she is gay, which if true is fine and I accept that but it still hurts with everything else on top.

Dear Mikeybude42,

You have gone through a lot in the last 6 years. You sound like a very caring and loving person, with a big heart that wants to help people. You helped your ex-partner, her children, your sister, your brother, and your father. It is sad that after all you have done for others, you have been left on your own do deal with your losses and that even when you needed her the most, your ex partner was not there for you, but told you to get professional help.
From reading your words, what stands out to me is that you feel unbearable guilt about the death of your brother. If you read through the posts on this site you will see that guilt is something that many people mention. Often others point out that there really is nothing to feel guilty about, and I would like to say the same to you. There is no way of knowing (not even paramedics can know this for sure) that if you had taken your brother to A and E his life would have been saved. As an adult, he could make his own decisions, and he could have sought help himself even if you and your sister had dismissed his symptoms. He too may have thought it was just heartburn and indigestion. I think after all the help you had given him in the past, he would not want you to burden yourself with guilt for the rest of your life.
Having lost your dad to cancer must have been very hard for you and sister. A year is not long and the grief about him may have brought back the grief about your brother.
On top of all that, you now in a way are grieving the loss of your partner, even though she is still alive. You don’t sound resentful at all towards her, just want what is best for her, but it must still hurt a lot.
It is good that you have joined this online community. I hope that you will find support and comfort in reading others people’s posts and replies. If you continue to struggle and have no one to turn to, maybe you could consider bereavement counseling, either through Sue Ryder or your GP.

Hi @Mikeybude42,

So sorry to read your story, you really have had a hard time of it :cry: I am also new on here and have suffered many losses as you have. I don’t think that was right that a paramedic said that to you especially as you would have been in a bad way as it is. Guilt often comes with it but it’s a horrible feeling and leaves you wondering what if. The worst thing is nobody knows if the outcome could have been any different. My dad was suffering with pains so went to hospital, they thought it was his diabetes but he was actually having a heart attack. It sounds like you was there for your brother a lot and I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to feel guilty. I wish we could get hold of a magic wand and just make the pain stop, just remember you are not alone hun. Xx

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I think that guilt is a natural feeling for all of us- I certainly feel it. From what you have said you are caring and supportive. No one purposefully wishes harm on their loved ones, no one can see the future and what will happen. We just look back with hindsight and wish we did things differently. It can’t change what happened - it just ties us in knots. You sound like you are someone who has a lot to offer - hopefully in time you will realise that. Sending hugs