Lost my Brother

Hi all, I’m struggling really badly …I lost my beautiful brother Michael on the 20 th June 2020… Michael was told he was terminal last February due to c.o.p.d… and other health issues… I travelled to London from Glasgow to care for him, I had to return home after 5 weeks with him,as I had suspected COVID…I returned to him 4 weeks later and lived with him till he passed away ,his preference was to pass away at home, but he had a heart attack in my arms 7 days before he passed ,he asked paramedics to take him to hospital,to
Pass away ,he was taken to the royal free hospital,I also went and spent every single second with him till he passed, I myself suffered from mental and physical exhaustion, I witnessed some horrendous suffering etc… I just can’t seem to move forward at all,can’t sleep eat or be with others,since I returned from London I have hidden away from home in my caravan.I cry lots and feel so lost ,I,m suffering constant flashbacks and depression,I miss my darling brother so much we were very close, he only had me,no other sibling etc,is this normal to still feel so lost and alone ,I try to put a smile on my face when kids etc FaceTime me,I don’t want to seem like I,m looking for sympathy, but each day comes and goes, and I don’t feel any better ever x

Dear Babsy1,
Your brother was very blessed to have a sister who loved him so much. You were there for him until the end of his live and that must have been a great comfort to him. If you have loved some one so much, it is to be expected that the pain of the loss will be very deep, and if you have read stories from other people on this site you will have come across many who can understand this pain. In addition to losing your brother, you have also witnessed suffering and that is hard to get out of your mind. It will take time for those memories to go to the back of your mind and to be replaced by happier memories of him which no doubt you will have.
It is concerning that after 6 month (which is not long at all) you are experiencing feelings of deep depression, unable to do things that would actually help you to grieve: eat, sleep and ‘be’ with other people. Asking for help is not the same as ‘looking for sympathy’ and is not a sign of weakness, but a good step to take. I would suggest that you contact your GP, or sign up for online counseling, or phone a helpline to get the help you need and I think your brother would have wanted for you. There is information about Sue Ryder counseling at the top of the page. I hope you will find the strength to take up the support that is available to help you in this difficult time.

Hi Jo Thankyou from the bottom of my heart for answering too me, and understanding,my feelings, I will at some point go and see my gp.I still don’t even feel ready to sit face too face and say the things that are going through my mind, I have suffered lots of trauma in my life,and have chronic p.t.s.d.think the death of my brother ,has just took its toll on me ,all I can see just now is doom and gloom,my brother meant the world too me,I just cannot get over what he went through, he was the loveliest kindest wee gentleman,once again Jo thankyou,I will have a look to councelling,Take Care x