Lost my buddy boy. Im lost

It’s been a little over a year and a half since I lost my 21-year-old son to an overdose of fentanyl. People keep telling me it will get better but it keeps getting worse. I constantly blame myself. I should have done more. I divorced his mom when he was not even one years old and raised him ever since. Me and my boy have been through so much together and I just want him back. I’m blessed to have three other children with my current wife but I feel I’m letting them down because I can’t get back up. Does it ever get better? Part of me doesn’t even want it to get better. I feel that if I get better I’m letting my son down. I feel like I deserve to be down. The last contact I had with him we hugged and I told him I loved him and he was going to rehab. Next thing I know I got to knock on my door and his body was found under a bridge in Orlando. Ever since that knock Life does not feel real anymore. It all seems like a clouded bad dream. Can’t find any purpose in life other than my three children otherwise I wouldn’t even be here but everyday is torture.


I’m so sorry for the loss of your son, @Tylersdad - that is devastating. I just want to reassure you that you are not alone - sadly many of our members have experienced the loss of a child and will understand some of what you’re going through.

There’s a really supportive thread here where members who have lost their children as adults share their experiences. You might find it helpful to read.

I can that you’re in the US. If you ever want to talk to someone, day or night, Befrienders Worldwide can help you find local support.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support but I just wanted to share those links with you.

Take good care,

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I get it, I keep thinking I should’ve done more. If I’d made the nursing staff realise how bad my son was but they didn’t listen, if I’d insisted they get a doctor in, all things I should’ve done. But in the end I have to accept that I did what I could, I trusted the staff to keep an eye on my son just as they had the previous 21 days.