Hi I lost my dad 3 weeks ago today. We had the funeral on Friday the 8th Sept. My dad had pneumonia and was in hospital for over 3 weeks. He ended up with complications and very quickly passed away. He had suffered with various chest conditions for years before. I didn’t see my dad as much as I’d have liked because since 2013 I worked away a bit plus when I worked at home I did long hours. When I did meet up with him we had a good catch up and my dad always helped me whatever it was. I cannot get over him going and I feel so overwhelmed by it all. When I think about never seeing him again it takes my breath away and I get an intense panic. At the funeral my sister invited my ex partner which I wasn’t happy with. Also my ex wife turned up at the wake after an invite from my sister. My sister announced someone’s here to see you very loud when my new wife was sat with me. This obviously didn’t go down well. My sister and wife don’t get on and I’m really not happy with my sister. My wife wants me to go an explain to my mum about my sisters behaviour which I will do. I feel really torn as it’s my wife who I love and I should protect and stick up for. I don’t want to fall out with anyone of my family as well. Has anyone got any advice as to how to handle the situation. I feel if I wasn’t here then all this pain and feeling torn will go away.
Hi Jay, first of all I’m terribly sorry for you’re loss. Think of him being in a better place as it wouldn’t have been nice for him to still be in pain, thinking that way will give you a small bit of comfort knowing that he can finally rest. Also visit his grave whenever you can and have that time to mourn to talk to be sad and to take time out for yourself. Try not to carry everyone else’s feelings on your back as at Thai moment in time is too much and you will start to feel really down. What I can say is have a conversation with your sisters separately rather than to your mum. You could express your hurt and explain why this was worn of them and that it wasn’t the best thing to do because you do not want to create more sadness in this time and situation. Also talk to your wife and let her know that it is a painful time for you because although you are Sad that your sisters bringing your ex to the wake had hurt her you still have to take time to grieve because you live your wife and she loves you and that cannot change despite the ex being there. I think in this time you’re going to need everyone around you to help deal with this pain as I know it is extremely painful. Maybe even have some sort of dinner or small gathering with just your family and your wife to help bond everyone together. Also I would say that you need to have a heart to heart with both your sister and wife as you mentioned that they don’t get on and in this situation would be the time to build that relationship with your sister and wife. By doing that would help you a big deal as you won’t have the stress of worrying about the two not getting on. Really express that they should both try bit by but to get on during this time. Hope this helps. Stay strong you’ve made it this far you can do it. Time and love and support from your family is the only thing to help you through. Keep strong for yourself and for your dad. He wouldn’t want you feeling in pain. Take it step by step rather than day by day
Thank so much for your reply and advice. At this moment in time there is no way on earth my wife would entertain being anywhere near my sister or my mum. My mum tried to build bridges with my wife at the funeral but said all the wrong things and actually made things worse. My mum has no tact but is an amazing person and mum. The embarrassment and hurt my sister tried to put on my wife is at this moment unforgivable. My wife I forgot to mention is suffering with extreme anxiety and mood swings which we are under the doctor trying the best way forward on that. All this makes it impossible to get my wife to try and talk to my sister or my mum. Life before my dad’s passing was hard in respects to my wife’s mood swings and constant high anxiety that can be really hurtful to live with. She’s my wife and I will stand by her but it is extremely difficult. In regards to my grieving I will do my best to take it step by step and allow myself to mourn but with all the extra stress it makes it so much harder. I know my dad would tell me to look after my wife and sod the rest. He always told me as long as your happy that’s all that matters. I’m back in work tomorrow so I will see how I feel and get on.
Hi Jay, now that you’ve mentioned the situation with whag you’re wife is going through. Maybe the best thing at this moment in time is to take time away so as you live with your wife you can begin to take space from the situation with your family and wife not getting on but also at the same time to stay in contact with them. I think as it’s such a stressful time you should work on yourself and your wife because from what you’ve mentioned when you’re wife is in stressful situations her anxiety builds up. Take the time to work on the small things allow yourself to also have some space maybe a walk or something as of course you care and want to make sure you’re wife is OK you won’t be able to do so if you don’t take some me time out. She will feel better in time also by taking baby steps, making sure she tries to avoid situations that will make her stressed and anxious. She could even do something small maybe gardening for distraction and mind stimulation that may help with anxiety. So if she enjoys something it would be good for her to do that when she starts to feel anxious. It is a working progress so it’s something that will take time and a lot of strength and patience. Work together to get through, if you haven’t already voice how you feel gently and also tell her to voice how she feels so you can deal with it together so you deal with everything at the same time rather than having the weight of more than one sadness on your shoulders. Work I believe will help as of course it’s a a distraction however make sure it doesn’t consume you as you’ll begin to hold and bottle things up
Thanks again for some great advice. I will take on board everything you have said. Baby steps with everything,thank you.