Lost my dad 5 weeks ago suddenly

Losing a parent
#1

Hi I lost my dad nearly 5 weeks ago, he had a massive heart attack at home, very unexpectedly, its such a shock that he’s gone forever. I’m only 31…
My poor mum is 57 and a widow, it doesn’t seem fair. Why my dad?
I live 100 miles away from home ( husband is in the army) so I feel useless being far away. But she does have family in the same village and brilliant neighbours.
His funeral has been and gone, just waiting for his Ashes to come back now.
I have okay days, then I have a terrible day where I am teary all day, I have 2 young kids who keep me going but my 3 fear is my 3 year old won’t remember her grandad…
My husband has been supportive but its hard to describe loosing a parent, it’s a pain I can’t put my finger on. My mind is constantly thinking about the last time I heard him speak on the phone, the events of the day he died, and wandering if he was scared just before he died.
. I’m blaming everyone for what happened, especially the doctors because he went there with chest pains 2 days before, and didn’t investigate :persevere:…
My dad had a brilliant personality and I know 100% he would want me to crack on with my life and live each day and enjoy it, because he did. He had a zest for life.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m the only person in the world going through this, but I know I’m not.
Will be nice to speak to other people in my shoes.

Xxxx

#2

Hi Laura

I am a little further along the line then you - my mum died around 9 months ago…unexpectedly and suddenly and only 54. I’m a year younger than you.

Everything your feeling is “normal” I still feel exactly the same as you - I have good days, great days where I can get on with my life and then bad days where I can barely be bothered to go to work and cry as soon as I get home…there literally is no in between :see_no_evil: it’s still such early days for you, I imagine the shock has carried you this far and now the funeral has been and gone you are processing it and can’t get your head around it all. Just take each day as it comes, if you need to scream shout and let it all out - then do it. It might make you feel better, it might not but just go with how your feeling and let the grief rollercoaster take its course. It’s ok to be angry, I still get angry now - why her why so young why didn’t anyone stop it etc, it’s a natural feeling, especially when you were not expecting it. Eventually, over time the anger will hopefully settle down for you but at the minute, let it out…you’ve lost one of the people you love the most so you have every right to be angry.

I understand what you mean about the kids, my little boy is 10 and spent so much time with my mum but now never mentions her - unless I do first but kids are funny little things and cope with things in their own way - as long as you keep his memory alive then your kids will never forget him :kissing_heart:

You will (hopefully) find over the next couple of days that a few more people will comment on here, who each have their own unique story to tell but who all feel the exactly same as you. Keep posting on here any time you need to and hopefully it will bring some comfort you you xxxxxxxx

#3

Hi. Tasha
Quote. “Everything your feeling is normal. I still feel exactly the same as you” That’s so right!
It’s that ‘normality’ of grief that is so difficult to accept. ‘How can such pain be normal’? But it is normal in the circumstances. A major life trauma has happened. it’s the only way you can feel.
It’s not time to go in for a lot of platitudes. When is it ever. Suffice to say at the moment that you have come to the right place and are among friends who understand. come back to us when you want to unload. We are here for that purpose and whatever little comfort we can give we will willingly. Blessings.

#4

Hi laura

Be assured, there are plenty of us in the same boat on this site. Whatever you are feeling is normal. You are allowed to be angry, shocked and blame anything and everything. My mum died suddenly from a brain hemorrhage in June. I am bitter, angry and shocked 5 and a half months down the line.
I have little interest in anything and only make the effort for my partner and 12 year old daughter. I dont know how I have survived this far, but I have and so will you.
Cheryl x

#5

Hi guys thanks for your messages, I have just read through them. It nice and reassuring that I am not the only one going through this… I think with Christmas coming around the corner it’s just reminding me that he won’t be here this year. I’m just taking each day as it comes, trying to be festive for my kids… I can just imagine my dad up there telling me to enjoy Christmas. X

#6

Hi Laura

I lost my dad suddenly too, not quite 3 months ago and came across your post as I am having one of those ‘bad days’ that people on here talk about. I guess I was hoping it would make me feel better to know other people are feeling the same things as me. But it doesn’t, it just makes me sadder that so many people are carrying this pain and having to get through their daily lives anyway. I am exhausted from trying to support my mum, keeping things going for my kids and holding down my job when I feel like I could curl up and sob at any time. Which I mostly end up doing at night when everyone else is asleep. I know that we won’t always feel like this, and we will learn to live without him - like your dad, my dad was absolutely full of life and would have been horrified that we are all so upset, but I just can’t help it. I’m usually a really logical person, and I know that bawling my eyes out won’t bring him back but sometimes I am just overwhelmed with it. I am wondering whether I should see someone professionally about this so as not to lay it on my family, but from what I can tell from reading others’ experiences what I am feeling, as awful as it is, seems normal so I guess I just have to give it time. Just trying to focus on each day as it comes in the meantime.

#7

Hi @Laura88, I’m another one in this boat. Yours is another post which I read and nod my head in agreement as I go. Everyone has their own very personal experience and yet there is an awful lot of common ground with all the folk in these forums. Your experiences and emotions are totally normal considering what has happened to you and your dad. 5 weeks is a blink of an eye in time. I’m coming up to 14 weeks this week and it still feels like yesterday to me. I lost my mum very suddenly whilst she was on holiday sharing the same cottage with my family having a lovely time. I found my mum with breathing difficulties on the last morning of our holiday and despite my best efforts and the efforts of the medics we couldn’t save her . That was a truly awful day.
Whatever you are feeling now is normal, your emotions will all over the place and you will not feel in control of them. A lot of people here will know that feeling, I certainly do, so you are not alone going through this.
I have a 6 year old daughter and she loved her grandma and yet incredibly is just getting on with life. She knows whats happened but doesn’t dwell on it. Kids are fantastic and they keep you going. Hopefully she won’t forget and I’m thinking that if we keep talking about grandma and keep looking and video and photos then she’ll have some good memories to hold onto. That’s my plan anyway.
So welcome to the community and I hope you can manage to keep talking through your feelings both here and with family/friends. That’s what I’ve tried to do and I think it has helped me soften the sharp pain over time.
Shaun x

#8

Hi KateM and welcome to you also. The saying, ’ a problem shared’ isn’t quite true in these situations but by talking through your thoughts and feelings with other who really do understand can give some comfort in these horrible times. I’m sorry you have so much to deal with, life is horrible at times like this. The thing about bad days is so true. I can’t predict what my feelings will be like from one day to the next. Sometimes there’s a trigger or sometimes there is no warning and I just get whacked by the realisation that my mum isn’t coming back and that I’m never going to see or speak to her again. I don’t like those days because it seems like I’m dragged back to just after it happened again. It will take time, a lot of time. I’ve said before that I’m a very logical person but it doesn’t help me so much at times like this as emotions override any sense of understanding of what’s happened. We will survive this, I see it in other people, so it must be true but in the meantime we must let out our emotions and cry if needed, talk as much as possible and be kind to ourselves. Not everyone ‘gets’ what we are going through but you can be rest assured that the lovely people who frequent these forums do really get it and nobody here will tell you that your feelings are wrong. You’ll get a whole array of viewpoints from others here as the types of loss differ so much as does the time that has passed for the individuals.
Take care, Shaun x

#9

Hi Kate, I’m sorry to hear about your dad. It’s awful isn’t it, feels like I now live in a bubble, still doesn’t seem real that he’s gone.
And yeah when everyone is asleep I sob silently just lookimg at pics and videos on my phone from the summer when he was here with my kids at the seaside, loving life.
Seems very unfair. At the time he died I saw him at the Chapel of rest and I spoke to the lady who ran it at the hospital, she told me that they we’ve very busy with other families visiting deceased members of their families and it made me feel that other people are going through all of this just like me.
I think things just take time, I take comfort in the fact that he died quickly and hopefully without severe pain, my mum was with him too. I just cling on to that and think about the good times xx

#10

I forgot to say laura that my dad also died suddenly if a massive heart attack 21 years ago. I was 27 and he was only 53.
The grief does get better but then I had my mum. Now I’ve lost her too, the pain is unbelievable but I just have to get on with it x

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