I lost my father in hospital on Wednesday. The cause of death was “spontaneous GI bleed.” Apparently he just started bleeding internally and was too frail for the hospital to do anything about it, so they just left him to fade away, and I got to see his sense disappear over the course of a few visits.
And now he’s gone, and Mum went a long while ago, and so now the only family I have in the world are some cousins who live 3 hours away.
I just find myself sat staring into space regretting everything. I grew up the smart nerd kid who always thought he was doing the right thing and was better than all the jock types. Now thanks to that, I’m just alone. Half the support services I speak to ask me if there’s anyone else who can help and go oddly silent when I say “No.”
So many things I do I find myself thinking Dad would be happy to know about this or asking if he would approve, and then remembering that he won’t be and that it doesn’t matter, and it makes me feel like I’m floating in space, the kind of horrible freedom you get from being in an open void, and you can do anything but it doesn’t matter.
What makes it worse is that I have OCD and that has gone into overdrive. Without him, any mistake I make will have consequences for me alone with no protection.
I just don’t know how long I can go on like this. I have to tell myself that this isn’t something I can endure for a while and then he’ll be back, that it’s all over, and wonder how long I can even handle.
Hello @NerdError ,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Hi, be kind to yourself, this is very recent and raw for you. Losing a parent is devastating and huge, even more so if it’s your last remaining parent. There’s a lot to come to terms with and feeling alone without that unconditional love takes time to process. Grief involves many different emotions so what you’re experiencing is entirely understandable. This forum is very useful, you aren’t alone because everyone here has suffered loss and is trying their hardest to manage their grief. Take care xx
I’m sorry for your loss, it’s very very early days, don’t try and expect anything of yourself, just take each hour as it comes. You will still be in shock. My mum died just over a year ago and I still feel like I’m in shock. I still have my dad but no one else, and it’s a very lonely place to be. I am now trying hard to make connections but it’s tough. Practise reaching out on this forum like I am trying to do! Look after yourself in one of the most difficult times of you life xxx
NerdError: So sorry for your loss. It’s very recent and a million thoughts and emotions will go through your mind and body. If it helps: Cousins living far away, no other family to speak of, being asked that question (is there anyone…) and hearing them going silent… I’ve experienced it all. We’re not the wrong ones. We’re not alone. We’re who we are & live life the way we are meant to. There’s beauty in you even though you might not be able to see it now. I also relied on my mum for validation and still want to tell her things that would make her proud. I also have feelings of “I can’t go on like this”. It gets better. It’s a rollercoaster but I surely hope it does. You’re not alone
I am so sorry for your loss , don’t beat yourself up. You are doing your best. My Dad died 3 weeks ago, I have no idea who I will turn to for help, as well as I miss his friendship and support , but he had wonderful advice, could fix anything and was a great support.
Take care, i am here to talk , I feel really alone
@Laura8 You’re so right about Dads lol, they fix things & you go to them for advice. I miss that. They have a unique take on things. If something happened in my day that I know he’d find funny, I always told him. Still can’t accept that I can’t
@Cee there are so many things I want to tell my mother that would make her laugh. She was so humorous. Once she told me that she used to feel the same with her own late mother: she’d see sth and think “I can’t wait to tell my mum” then realised she couldn’t.
I also used to send my mum whatsapp messages about what happened and I still want to. I want to phone her. I feel the impulse to take pictures of things she’d love & WhatsApp them to her. Sometimes I think I’m still in denial after 18 months.
@ FedeShe sounds quite a lady!! It sucks doesn’t it, the realisation of loss. Knowing that this new normal is to stay & trying to accommodate it. Do you have any coping methods you can share because apart from distraction, I’m coming up empty. X
@Cee not sure but i do talk to her everyday, multiple times a day. Often in my mind, and when I’m home also aloud. I want to believe she can hear and see me. I don’t know if this is a coping strategy or just makes me outright crazy. She always said that if there was a way to get in touch with me she’d find it (neither of us was deeply religious but we loved each other to bits and we hoped). So sometimes I think I see little signs (a feather, a rose, her favorite bird…) Again, I might be going crazy. I hold on to hope but it is very hard, an a total rollercoaster. Sending you lots of love and strength
@fede Thankyou for sharing that. I have seen Butterflies & on my walk into town one week I saw a rusty tool on the pavement. Had to smile because Dad looked after nothing, especially his gadgets. Not found a full set of anything yet & I felt that was a sign lol. I’ll try the talking aloud thing. It might help. Warmest regards to you too!!