I lost my dad today.
It was very sudden and shocking, but lluckily he didn’t suffer.
I have a lot of support from my family and help with all of the terrible admin that comes with the loss of a loved one.
How do you get through all of this stuff after such a catastrophic loss?
I have been overwhelmed with phonecalls and messages of love and support and I am very grateful. I have to do a lot of the terrible tasks tomorrow but all I want to do is lie in bed and cry.
I’ve always been told the real grieving comes after the funeral but god, how can I even make it to the funeral? How can I even make all these decisions I’m supposed to make.
My thoughts are with everyone who has experienced this because it’s honestly the hardest thing I’ve had to do.
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I’m so sorry for your loss @HattyT and the shock and distress that comes with such a sudden loss. My Dad passed away after a sudden 12 day hospital stay for a kidney infection and pneumonia. Until he collapsed at home, we had no idea he was battling these infections. Although he was very old, he was in pretty good health up until then. When he passed away, we were all in shock and kind of went into auto pilot, as a family, with all that needed doing.
You mention that you have lots of support from your family and that will help you no end through the coming days and beyond.
For now, try and keep yourself busy with the immediate admin and get those horrible tasks out the way as quickly as you can. We did this and it was a big weight off our shoulders. We then concentrated on the funeral arrangements and the service. My Dad had taken out a funeral plan around 25 years before and this was so helpful when we went to the funeral directors, as part of his plan included his own wishes so we knew what hymns he wanted, amongst other things he’d detailed. Even how he’d written his plan made us smile as there was humour in his words. It was so comforting, even during the dark days of the initial loss. If you own Dad also did this, hopefully this will help you, but, if he didn’t, take some time as a family to think how best to honour and celebrate your Dad’s life. I was dreading my Dad’s funeral but it was beautiful because it was everything he’d have loved. We had his favourite music played, had a beautiful photo tribute shown, the service “programme”, for want of a better word, was so lovely and had all the photos in from the service. At the gathering afterwards it was lovely to catch up with family and friends and we all had our funny and endearing memories to share of my Dad. It was a day all about him and amongst the sadness was so much joy. That surprised me.
With your own Dad’s upcoming funeral, think about anything that will make the day more bearable. For us, my Mum didn’t want to drive directly behind the hearse so we agreed with the funeral director that my husband would drive our car behind the hearse and we would be in the limo behind his car. It made the 20 minute journey easier for us all not to have to look at Dad’s coffin all the time. For some people that might be important but for us it was too difficult.
Would it help you to visit him in the funeral home? My young adult daughter visited my Dad quite a few times (he was like a Dad to her) but I never wanted to go in. A week or so before his service she asked if I wanted to come in with her (she asked me everytime I took her there) and said she thought I’d always regret not seeing him if I didn’t. Anyway, I did and I’m so pleased I did. He looked so at peace and that kept me going through the service, knowing how he looked in his coffin. There was no mystery as in other funerals I’d been to. The day before the service we took down family photos, letters and flowers to the funeral home and placed them with my Dad and again, this is what I concentrated on during the service and seeing his coffin. It really helped me. I also asked the funeral director to take photos of the morning of the service and them moving him into the hearse at the funeral home and then pictures of the flowers arriving and being placed in the hearse, as well as him being brought into the chapel. I didn’t look at them for many months but, when I felt I could, I’m so pleased I asked for this to be done as they’re beautiful and show how well he was looked after and how kindly and respectfully they treated him. That has brought me lots of comfort and joins the dots of times when I wasn’t with him.
Do whatever works for you and your family. Everyone is there to help you celebrate your Dad as you want to.
Be gentle with yourself and if you need some “me” time and want to retreat and cry - do it. Do anything you need to do right now to cope with the shock of what’s happened.
Since my Dad passed in November 2023, there have been so many highs and lows but I can genuinely say, the grief journey isn’t all about being sad. We’ve celebrated my Dad’s life in so many ways - we talk about him so often, we laugh at the lovely times we had with him (he was a very funny man), we eat in his favourite restaurants, watch his favourite films, listen to his favourite music. It keeps him so relevant in our lives so that even though he’s not physically here any longer, he’s still with us in the memories he’s left us with.
I wish you a gentle day today and the days ahead of you
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