Lost my Dad to Covid-19 / family confrontation

My dad sadly passed away in February. He had caught the virus, and due to his health conditions he wasn’t strong enough to fight it. He was 59 years of age, due to be 60 in April. It was traumatic, shocking and my worst nightmare come true. It all happened so fast. I still can’t believe it.

It has been a whole month today since he passed.
I have felt very emotion possible.

As my mom and dad were still married but separated, it has been down to me as the eldest child to deal with funeral arrangements, and all the other stuff that comes along with it.

Although I have had support, it’s been a struggle as with the current lock down I can’t see my brothers, everything is done over the phone and I’ve had a lot of bad days trying to cope.

The funeral is the end of March, and will be 7 weeks after he passed.
I feel like I’m in limbo.

I’m trying to cope with my own feelings, my brothers, my dads family and his partner and my moms
Feelings. I’m trying to keep the peace, make sure everyone is happy with what I’m doing, and not cause any arguments.

My mom and dad were separated but she is his legal next of kin. So money wise etc it will all go to her but she has assured me it will be passed onto us 3 kids.
She hasn’t got involved with anything and has respected my dads partner of 5 years the whole way through. She’s not even coming to the funeral.

Today however, my mom visited my dad in the chapel of rest. I told my dads partner after it had happened and she just wasn’t happy. I understand why, but doesn’t everyone no matter what their past is have the right to say goodbye to someone? She doesn’t want to go herself but says she might now go tomorrow.

I feel for my mom, as she or her feelings haven’t been acknowledged, in any of this, but then I feel for my dads partner too.

My dads partner is ok but she is self centred, everything has been about her memories and her loss, she and her family were very close with my dad, I feel like he was with them more than us these past few years.
She’s said a few things that have hurt me and made me question things. I don’t know if she does it on purpose.

I’ve been put in an awkward position I hate confrontation, I hate arguing. And I hate feeling and looking like a bad person. It eats away at me.

I’m trying to stay strong and function. But I’m an anxious person at the best of times. I feel upset, like I can’t take a full breath and just anxious about everything. I’m questioning myself and my choices. A lot of old feelings are coming to the surface. I miss my dad terribly and all I want is to be able to talk to him.

I can’t wait for everything to be over, but I need to somehow get through the next 3 weeks.

I’m hurting but I’m having to step up and get things sorted. It’s extremely hard :disappointed_relieved::disappointed_relieved:

Hello, I feel so sorry for you because you have written such a loving, kind and very thoughtful post. You come across as a very caring and considerate person, putting everyone else first. You should be making your father very proud of you and the strength of your personality comes through in your writing. Yes you will feel anxious and fearful of doing the wrong thing because you are trying to satisfy everyone but just for once stop and think of yourself. You need time to let go of your own grief and enjoy your memories of your dad, time just to stop. Be careful and look after yourself over the coming weeks. Blessings to you. xx

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Hello Susie123
Thank you for your message and very kind words, it means a lot to me.
What you have said about focusing on my own grief, my mom and partner have said the same.
Every day I am busy planning or doing and I haven’t just stopped. After a horrendous day yesterday, last night I just sobbed. The anxiety in my chest was just so painful I felt like I was losing my dad all over again.
It’s so hard. I know everyone deals with losing a parent at some point, I just feel like he’s been ripped away from us. I’m angry at the world and the way things are. Everything from the past is resurfacing. I feel guilty that I didn’t do enough or spend enough time with him.

I’ve woke up today still anxious with puffy sore eyes. I have the day off work and just don’t feel like getting out of bed to be honest.

I wish the funeral was sooner so we could get it over with and start healing. Right now it’s all raw and painful and I just can’t accept that he’s gone.

Hi, yes what you are going through is grieving and it has its own timetable. I have hid under the bedcovers and ignored the door bell, it does help but it only temporary, that’s the big problem. It’s like a sore spot that keeps coming back and yes you do get some relief when the funeral is over but then there’s another day to get through but you will get through it. Take baby steps but most of all take care of yourself, your health is very important at this stressfully time. Sxx

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