Lost my Dad to Covid-19 - grief / guilt / complications

So this is my first post. Sorry it is a long one I just need to sort my thoughts and feelings.

On February 11, 2021 my dad passed away due to organ Failure from COVID-19.
He tested positive on Saturday and was taken into hospital on Sunday as he is oxygen was very low.
He began to deteriorate on Tuesday and was put on a ventilator. He was up and down and it could’ve gone either way but by by Thursday they couldn’t do any more for him and he sadly passed away Thursday afternoon. Luckily my brother and I got to see him early hours Thursday morning for about 40 minutes.

The whole thing has been traumatising. I feel angry and bitter and I’m just so very sad.

He’s stuck to the rules as best as he could. He didn’t work and he didn’t go to the shops and stayed in his bubble.

I feel like he’s been let down by the system. He was 59 years old with underlying health conditions as he had a huge heart attack 10 years ago and suffered with his health more so in the past three years but was never offered the vaccine.He even asked His doctor if he could get it as soon as possible but was told he just needed to wait for a letter.

My emotions have been all over the place. It has been five weeks since he passed away me as the eldest child have had to arrange funeral plans. My mum and dad split up around 9 years ago so she hasn’t been involved with planning things but has been supporting me in the background.

My dad‘s partner has been too depressed to even want to help. I feel a lot of pressure is on my shoulders to get things perfect. I am trying to make everyone happy with what I’m doing and I’m trying to protect my two younger brothers from worrying as they are already so upset.

Under the circumstances we can’t give him the sendoff he truly deserves but now he would be proud that we’ve done as best as we can.

I feel like once the funeral is over it’s going to hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course I am upset and have cried every day over the loss of my dad. But I am also trying to live a normal life by working from home planning the funeral and doing normal day-to-day things. I am worried that I’m not mourning in the right way. I don’t want to get into a dark place as I already suffer with anxiety and I’ve had depression in the past. I’m not sure if I’m just in complete denial. One minute I feel okay and and kind of normal but then when I start to think about things it’s like a punch to the gut. Is this normal?

My dad was a quiet person who never really spoke about his feelings and My mind wanders sometimes about how he really felt about me and my brothers. Negative things come into my mind about the past and it just makes me feel really guilty. I know I didn’t tell him I loved him as much as I should have and he didn’t say it to me either but I just hope he knew how much I thought of him.

As my mum and dad were separated and dad had been with his new partner for five years, it’s just been awkward. He had painted quite a bad picture of my mum to his current partner. It’s put me in a very awkward position because I love my mum so much and we are so very close. My mum met my dad in 1975 and I was still married till the day died. She has said she’s not coming to the funeral out of respect for his Current partner and family members she will send flowers and she went to see him in the chapel of rest to pay her respects and say goodbye. Which didn’t go down too well with my dad‘s partner. All in all they were married 37 years and had known eachother 46 years. I’m not sure if we can even mention my mum’s name in his eulogy because it will probably offend so many people. She had an affair and left my dad because she wasn’t happy but they only now with my dads side of the story, So Are naturally against my mum. I don’t want to upset his current partner but I don’t want my mom to be completely dismissed either she’s my mum and we had a happy childhood and were together so many years despite the affair and sad times, they were A big part of each other’s lives.

It’s all so complicated, and all kind of feels like a big mess and it’s stressing me out. My dad‘s current partner doesn’t really consider our feelings going as far as to say she and my dad should’ve been together from the start (they had a couple of months relationship back when they were 11 years of age) Which to me she’s basically saying my dad should’ve never married my mum and we should’ve never been born. It’s very hurtful but of course the type of person I am I’ve kind of just let Her say it. As I now she’s trying to make herself feel better. We never had much of a relationship with his current partner as They kind of did everything with her family and we were kind of separate from that so it makes me think after the funeral she probably won’t keep in touch with us much and we won’t with her so all of this kind of doesn’t matter anyway. It’s just hard my mum is great and yes she has made mistakes in the past don’t we all? But I just hate the thought of everyone being against her. She want in his life for 9 years but they still spoke now and again.

Maybe I’m just overthinking everything too much because I want to make everyone happy but I’m kind of just stuck in the middle of everything putting too much pressure on myself.

Should I just think about the here and now and consider his current partners feelings more? As she will be the one who is there on the day and I don’t want to make a feel comfortable. Hopefully my mum can understand. We all know how she feels and who she is as a person so does it really matter what anyone else thinks?

Sorry for rambling xx

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Hi it sounds like you have much to shoulder when you should be able to grieve. As for your situation do what you feel is right. If your mum attends it may cause the already high emotions to blow out of proportion. Perhaps suggest a memory area in her garden or yours that you can both go to and pay your respects as and when. The flowers you send bring them home and acknowledge everything there. As for the other women she has her own grief and you should try not to burden yourself with that. Just do what is right by your dad not everyone else.
I hope you find some middle ground in all of this.

2 Likes

Hello there thank you for taking the time to read my post and to message me. My mum isn’t going to the funeral. She is staying at home looking after the grandkids. She is however sending some flowers which I think is nice and is her right.

The time when I posted this emotions were running very high and I was in a bit of a bad place. I know I can’t please everyone but because all of the plans are on my shoulders I am just trying to keep the peace and make sure people are okay with what I’m doing. Luckily all of the plans are coming together nicely and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. I think the day will run smoothly. There’s just a lot of emotions from a lot of different people.

People need to realise it’s my dad and I have lost him. My feelings are valid to and I know that now. I am my own worst enemy and put too much pressure on myself. Thank you for your advice hope you’re well.

Raven Rose x

1 Like

Hi
It sounds like you have it more under controll now. Grief heightens emotions for sure as you know and once things start to calm it often falls into place.
Your right he is your dad and you have every right to have your wishes heard.
I hope it all goes to plan for all involved and your dad gets the send off he deserves.
Wishing you well for the day

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Hi I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad it is heartbreaking and I can totally relate to you and I am glad I have found someone that I can. My Dad had a major stroke last July and has never been home since. They said he had to go in a care home and the last time we saw him was October. We weren’t allowed to visit as it wasn’t safe however he then caught the virus in his home in December, went to hospital and died in January without us being able to see him. My mum has dementia so I also had to organise his funeral on my own and felt all of the doubts you have. I have hated having to try and sort everything on my own and cry most nights. I have still not returned to work and feel really withdrawn and have never been like this in my life before. I find it hard when anyone offers advice when I know they haven’t been through this but also know they mean well. You are brave even to share what you are going through so just know you always have somewhere to express what you are going through xxx

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Hello thank you for reading my post and for messaging me. Thank you. Oh God I am so sorry to hear about that it’s just awful. I think it makes it worse when a loved one has other illnesses and has to go through hardships and then it’s something like this virus that ends their life After everything else They have been through.
I’m sorry to hear that your mum has dementia as well I know that is a very hard thing to deal with.

Dealing with the funeral by yourself it’s so stressful and you feel like you have the weight of your the world on your shoulders with so many eyes on you you having to deal with your own grief as well as others. It’s a lot of pressure and can make the smallest of things seem so big.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of this it’s just so hard and everyone deals with things differently. I have thrown myself into work and tried to keep busy which has helped but it’s of a night time when things are quiet that’s when my mind goes to those dark places.

Have you Spoken to your doctor about how you feel or do you have someone you can trust to talk to? I can’t give you much advice as it is very early days for me but I have Found talking to people a huge help and I’ve also started journalling to write down my thoughts and feelings without the fear of judgement and I can be completely open and honest.

I know it’s hard to say any Hope right now with the world being the Way it is but I promise you if you hold on to that bit of hope things will start to get a little easier. Please write back I hope you’re okay.

Best wishes Raven Rose XXX

Thank you so much for replying as I don’t really have anywhere else to talk things through with. My work we’re going to offer counselling but when my Dad passed away they said it was just normal grief. After 2 months of just sitting on the sofa and blanking things out I have finally started back at work this week. I feel like I am being judged and although my friends only want to help I get annoyed when they tell me what will be good for me. I just think how do you know, when have you been in this situation and then I feel bad for thinking like that. The doctor has now put me on antidepressants which I never in my life thought I would ever be on and don’t want to be for a long time. So sorry to go on, I can’t open up to anyone else as I feel embarrassed. I hope you are ok x

Hi again I’m so sorry for the late reply I’ve been really busy clearing out my dad’s house.

What you have done it’s completely normal some people get up and go and keep busy to deal with the grief others like yourself going to a slump And just can’t do anything. Please try not to feel judged everyone is different and those who haven’t gone through it don’t understand.

How are you getting on at work?

How are you finding the antidepressants? I have been on them myself in the past and found that they did help However not everyone feels the same. I definitely think counselling or talking therapies are more effective is this something you would look into?

I think I will get some therapy once the dust has settled. It’s still quite raw and I still have stuff to sort out so I’m keeping busy I don’t think it’s quite hit me yet

Hope you’re doing okay
Best wishes

Raven Rose

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