So this is my first post. Sorry it is a long one I just need to sort my thoughts and feelings.
On February 11, 2021 my dad passed away due to organ Failure from COVID-19.
He tested positive on Saturday and was taken into hospital on Sunday as he is oxygen was very low.
He began to deteriorate on Tuesday and was put on a ventilator. He was up and down and it could’ve gone either way but by by Thursday they couldn’t do any more for him and he sadly passed away Thursday afternoon. Luckily my brother and I got to see him early hours Thursday morning for about 40 minutes.
The whole thing has been traumatising. I feel angry and bitter and I’m just so very sad.
He’s stuck to the rules as best as he could. He didn’t work and he didn’t go to the shops and stayed in his bubble.
I feel like he’s been let down by the system. He was 59 years old with underlying health conditions as he had a huge heart attack 10 years ago and suffered with his health more so in the past three years but was never offered the vaccine.He even asked His doctor if he could get it as soon as possible but was told he just needed to wait for a letter.
My emotions have been all over the place. It has been five weeks since he passed away me as the eldest child have had to arrange funeral plans. My mum and dad split up around 9 years ago so she hasn’t been involved with planning things but has been supporting me in the background.
My dad‘s partner has been too depressed to even want to help. I feel a lot of pressure is on my shoulders to get things perfect. I am trying to make everyone happy with what I’m doing and I’m trying to protect my two younger brothers from worrying as they are already so upset.
Under the circumstances we can’t give him the sendoff he truly deserves but now he would be proud that we’ve done as best as we can.
I feel like once the funeral is over it’s going to hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course I am upset and have cried every day over the loss of my dad. But I am also trying to live a normal life by working from home planning the funeral and doing normal day-to-day things. I am worried that I’m not mourning in the right way. I don’t want to get into a dark place as I already suffer with anxiety and I’ve had depression in the past. I’m not sure if I’m just in complete denial. One minute I feel okay and and kind of normal but then when I start to think about things it’s like a punch to the gut. Is this normal?
My dad was a quiet person who never really spoke about his feelings and My mind wanders sometimes about how he really felt about me and my brothers. Negative things come into my mind about the past and it just makes me feel really guilty. I know I didn’t tell him I loved him as much as I should have and he didn’t say it to me either but I just hope he knew how much I thought of him.
As my mum and dad were separated and dad had been with his new partner for five years, it’s just been awkward. He had painted quite a bad picture of my mum to his current partner. It’s put me in a very awkward position because I love my mum so much and we are so very close. My mum met my dad in 1975 and I was still married till the day died. She has said she’s not coming to the funeral out of respect for his Current partner and family members she will send flowers and she went to see him in the chapel of rest to pay her respects and say goodbye. Which didn’t go down too well with my dad‘s partner. All in all they were married 37 years and had known eachother 46 years. I’m not sure if we can even mention my mum’s name in his eulogy because it will probably offend so many people. She had an affair and left my dad because she wasn’t happy but they only now with my dads side of the story, So Are naturally against my mum. I don’t want to upset his current partner but I don’t want my mom to be completely dismissed either she’s my mum and we had a happy childhood and were together so many years despite the affair and sad times, they were A big part of each other’s lives.
It’s all so complicated, and all kind of feels like a big mess and it’s stressing me out. My dad‘s current partner doesn’t really consider our feelings going as far as to say she and my dad should’ve been together from the start (they had a couple of months relationship back when they were 11 years of age) Which to me she’s basically saying my dad should’ve never married my mum and we should’ve never been born. It’s very hurtful but of course the type of person I am I’ve kind of just let Her say it. As I now she’s trying to make herself feel better. We never had much of a relationship with his current partner as They kind of did everything with her family and we were kind of separate from that so it makes me think after the funeral she probably won’t keep in touch with us much and we won’t with her so all of this kind of doesn’t matter anyway. It’s just hard my mum is great and yes she has made mistakes in the past don’t we all? But I just hate the thought of everyone being against her. She want in his life for 9 years but they still spoke now and again.
Maybe I’m just overthinking everything too much because I want to make everyone happy but I’m kind of just stuck in the middle of everything putting too much pressure on myself.
Should I just think about the here and now and consider his current partners feelings more? As she will be the one who is there on the day and I don’t want to make a feel comfortable. Hopefully my mum can understand. We all know how she feels and who she is as a person so does it really matter what anyone else thinks?
Sorry for rambling xx