I have always been very close to my parents. Even as a teenager I would prefer to stay at home with them rather than being out with friends. I guess this was also due to the fact I am an only child- we have just always been a close knit family. I moved out at the age of 30 - and as a home bird, this was somewhat reluctantly I might add. During that time myself and mum started noticing changes with dads memory and slower way of thinking. As a side note- dad also suffered from other health issues since he was in his 40’s - such as spinal problems and diabetes. It was 5 years ago when dad was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia. We were just coming to terms with this when dad had a fall at home. He was admitted to hospital but it soon transpired that he had suffered from severe nerve damage to his spine and was paralysed from the waist down. He needed 24 hour care and so he had to be placed into a care home.
This alone felt like a death in a way. He would never return to our family home again and this was the start of our grief journey. Its true that with dementia you lose a bit of them every day and honestly it has been 5 years of non stop loss, worry, guilt and stress. Dad suffered from many infections, in and out of hospital on a constant basis- and during Easter holidays this year (2025) he was admitted with Sepsis. He survived the infection however he was never the same again and the toll on him was irreversible- he became weaker and more frail, and eventually stopped eating and could no longer communicate. He died on the 15th of August.
How I feel is numb. I am coping by pushing everything away because the only memory fresh in my mind is being at his bedside, transfixed by his breathing and not quite believing what I was seeing when it slowed and stopped. His face, gaunt and pale was not the round faced smiling man I have always loved. I feel haunted by this.
I am terrified of something happening to my mum. As a 42 year old with no children, it feel like my world is very small and indeed that life in a way is coming to an end. I feel like there’s nothing to look forward to in my life except for the loss of another beloved parent.
