Hello
My childhood with my father was good, until my teenage years when he became alcoholic. It was a really complicated period for like 3-4 years. I’m 21 now.
He has never been violent or anything towards me but he would verbally fight a lot with my mom and be well, drunk, a lot.
My mom divorced him in 2021 and I went to live with her. After this, I stopped texting him but I would text him back when he would ask for news. I saw him maybe three times before he passed away, the last time I saw him was probably 2 years ago, I don’t remember. I just didn’t want to have anything to do with him because I was mad and sad and traumatized and wanted my peace
Last time he texted me was on september, he wished me a good academic year and I simply said thank you. Last Wednesday, my sister told us he was in the hospital and it was serious, he died on Thursday. It was very violent, she warned us and the next day he was gone. I didn’t get to get ready mentality, I didn’t get to say goodbye, I didn’t get to say that I loved him and I don’t know if he died wondering if I still loved him .
I went to the funeral on Monday and It broke me. My brother and sister both made a speech about how good of a father he was and what he loved. I didn’t write any speech. My sister spoke about what he used to love and I realized that I had forgotten about it. Because I only remember the bad things. And I’m trying to think about my childhood but I just can’t, I’m stuck with the bad memories (my brother and sister are older and didn’t went through what I did) I couldn’t even go to his coffin to say goodbye, my sister helped me do it but I barely stayed a few seconds next to him
Now I don’t blame him, I blame his addiction. And I blame myself because he checked on me every couple months and said he missed us and loved us but I simply told him to have a great day or he would send me some tiktoks and I never answered. On one side, well I didn’t know he was dying, he never told us and I was just protecting myself because I suffered so much when I was a teen. But on the other side I feel so sad because I didn’t answer back. And now I’ll have to live with thzt guilt and it hurts so much.
My sister told me he loved me and often asked her how I was doing but it hurts me because he didn’t ask directly to me, I would have answered but he probably knew I wouldn’t say more than five words.
I can’t sleep and I have to pretend him alright. I have school and the world hasn’t stopped. I’m quite alright during the day because I’m with people or I keep myself busy but during the night I just cry. It’s actually 3 am and I’ve been sobbing for two hours.
I just wish I could go back and tell him I love him and say goodbye.
It might be silly but I keep hoping seing a sign he is okay and he knows I love him but I don’t see anything.
I have so many emotions, so many. I have to grief a father but also I have to grieve a father who hurt me even tho it wasn’t his fault and I have to grieve a father whom I was cold towards him and didn’t say I love you back.
I just can’t see myself bearing that pain for the rest of my life, and I know that pain will never ease.
