I lost my Dad in August 2016 very suddenly to a severe stroke. Its over a year on now and I go between good days and bad days, but the bad days are very very bad and I feel like I need to talk to people who have also gone through this.
I am an only child and I am really struggling with worrying constantly about my Mum. We live very close and are a really close family, I spoke to my Mum and Dad every day and saw them nearly every day. I have a 4 year old son who was my Dads world and his Grandad was his hero and I cannot come to terms with the unfairness of not only me losing my Dad at the age of 35 (he was only 65) and my son only having 3 years with his Grandad. I have gone through all the emotions over and over but when it hits me now its really bad. I cannot speak to my husband or my Mum because I don’t know where to start. My husband has been wonderful but he will never understand what I am going through and even though I have always been able to talk to my Mum, it was Dad who I always spoke to about the emotional stuff and I just really do not know what to say to her. I lock everything into a part of my brain and if I’m having a good day and Mum isn’t, I just cannot go there as its too painful. I just sit and watch her cry with honestly no idea what to say. What can I say? “Yes life is S**t now Mum, and it always will be”???
I have constant guilt. If my husband and I go out for a meal or go to a concert I just sit there thinking Mum will never be able to do this again with her husband, or think how Dad is missing everything. Mum babysits our son while we work or if we go out and I feel like we’re taking advantage of the fact she has a different life now, like what else is she going to do? Mum is so concerned about becoming a burden (she lost her Dad when he was 66 and has looked after my Grandma, who is the master of the guilt trip, ever since), that she often refuses to come for tea or to call for a coffee because “we are working and we’ve got enough on without her bothering us” and it breaks my heart. I don’t want this life without Dad! But then I feel horrible thinking that as I have my husband and son and I have to live my own life but the guilt and worry is consuming me.
I don’t feel I have anyone I can talk to who understands. I feel really angry towards my friends as after the funeral it was all back to normal and I think they’ve only asked me how I am one time. I know they don’t know what I’m going through and are not doing this intentionally but it makes me angry anyway.
I still cannot believe Dad has gone. We would talk about everything and anything and it kills me that I can’t speak to him. I can still hear his voice, smell him, remember every detail of how he walked, sat, laughed. Life is so unfair and he is missing so much I cannot stand it.
Is anyone else feeling this way?