Lost my Dad

Hi everyone,

I lost my Dad in August 2016 very suddenly to a severe stroke. Its over a year on now and I go between good days and bad days, but the bad days are very very bad and I feel like I need to talk to people who have also gone through this.

I am an only child and I am really struggling with worrying constantly about my Mum. We live very close and are a really close family, I spoke to my Mum and Dad every day and saw them nearly every day. I have a 4 year old son who was my Dads world and his Grandad was his hero and I cannot come to terms with the unfairness of not only me losing my Dad at the age of 35 (he was only 65) and my son only having 3 years with his Grandad. I have gone through all the emotions over and over but when it hits me now its really bad. I cannot speak to my husband or my Mum because I don’t know where to start. My husband has been wonderful but he will never understand what I am going through and even though I have always been able to talk to my Mum, it was Dad who I always spoke to about the emotional stuff and I just really do not know what to say to her. I lock everything into a part of my brain and if I’m having a good day and Mum isn’t, I just cannot go there as its too painful. I just sit and watch her cry with honestly no idea what to say. What can I say? “Yes life is S**t now Mum, and it always will be”???

I have constant guilt. If my husband and I go out for a meal or go to a concert I just sit there thinking Mum will never be able to do this again with her husband, or think how Dad is missing everything. Mum babysits our son while we work or if we go out and I feel like we’re taking advantage of the fact she has a different life now, like what else is she going to do? Mum is so concerned about becoming a burden (she lost her Dad when he was 66 and has looked after my Grandma, who is the master of the guilt trip, ever since), that she often refuses to come for tea or to call for a coffee because “we are working and we’ve got enough on without her bothering us” and it breaks my heart. I don’t want this life without Dad! But then I feel horrible thinking that as I have my husband and son and I have to live my own life but the guilt and worry is consuming me.

I don’t feel I have anyone I can talk to who understands. I feel really angry towards my friends as after the funeral it was all back to normal and I think they’ve only asked me how I am one time. I know they don’t know what I’m going through and are not doing this intentionally but it makes me angry anyway.

I still cannot believe Dad has gone. We would talk about everything and anything and it kills me that I can’t speak to him. I can still hear his voice, smell him, remember every detail of how he walked, sat, laughed. Life is so unfair and he is missing so much I cannot stand it.

Is anyone else feeling this way?

Michelle x

Hi michelle i was very touched at reading your post about losing your dad. Like you i have just lost my dad , 3 months ago. Since then i have felt lost. My father was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago and although we knew it was coming i dont feel as though i am coping too well.

The treatment and care my dad received from nhs was dispicable and his end of life care was horrendous. I am currently in middle of nhs investigations in to my dads care which is upsetting in itself.

Each day the pain of losing him hits me like a wave, and like yourself the guilt i feel at even enjoying the simplest of things is suffocating. My relationship with my husband has been affected as no matter how much i try i cant explain the pain to him. This leads to him getting frustrated as theres no quick fix.

Like your case my children were incredibly close to their grandad and it kills me to think he wont be with us as they are growing up. I feel as though all your relationships change, even with your mum. Its as though youre grieving but so is your mum so youre both afraid of upsetting each other so bottle a lot of it up.

I promised my dad i would always look after my mum and i feel im constantly beating myself up that im not doing enough for her.

Someone once said to me that the pain im feeling is the price i pay for having such a fantastic dad who loved me so much and me for him . I feel as though when my dad died he took a piece of me with him and im sure you feel the same.

Please dont feel alone in this, i think we both know how each others feeling xx

Gem x

Hi Michelle, and Preciousgem70, lost my father in January 2016, very unexpected, still going through the griefing process. I try and remember that my father would want me to be happy, although my family members, and I have been left with a void in our exsistence. Also, my Christian beliefs of death, are that death is a new beginning, not an end. However that said there was no changing the fact that a person that had been there my entire life was now absent, and there was nothing I could do to change that basic reality. The hardest part for me has been the loss of someone who knew me better then most, and who cared for me more then most. The loss of that special person I shared my life events, latest movies, politics, etc. with. There would be no more phone calls, no more visits. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I can relate to your feelings, and I’m sorry for your loss.

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Hi PreciousGem70 and UnoGeo,

Thank you so much for replying to my message, I’m sorry my response is so delayed but to be totally honest, I was having a better week and didn’t want to ‘open the box’ by digging into my feelings and replying as it sets me off on my bad times…I’m sorry I know that’s selfish as you were so kind and took the time to reply to me.

It is a comfort to know that I am not the only one feeling this way, although doesn’t make it easier as you will know yourselves.

As Christmas gets closer (this will be the 2nd one without Dad) I think this is harder than the first. The first Christmas went by in a fog and we were all in survival mode, to walk past a display of Christmas cards in a shop without breaking down was a massive achievement! This year it just feels so final and so so sad. Like now this is the norm and you have to get on with it!

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are your children and how are they coping? My son is 4 and I talked to him tonight before bed about Grandad (we were reading a story that Grandad liked) at first he just ignored me and talked about something else, and then when I asked again he said he couldn’t remember him and got so so upset, it broke my heart and now I feel horrible for bringing it up and upsetting him, but on the other hand it’s like I need to keep checking he remembers him as my Dad was his everything and I cannot bear the thought of him forgetting him. I forgot that it’s not just me and my Mum going through this and he is too and I’m now fretting over is he bottling everything up?

I am so so sorry for you both and your loss, sending lots of love to you, we must keep strong and get through it for our loved ones but sometimes that seems impossible doesn’t it

Michelle xxx

Hi Michelle
I was sorry to read your message and feel very strong that what you are going through is exactly how I am feeling at the moment. I lost my dad to Bladder Cancer in July 2017 he was just 74, so only 3 and a half months ago and the grief is still very raw.

I am not an only child but my brother lives in Athens in Greece so is not here to support us. My mum is finding the loneliness very difficult and like you I feel so guilty that I am not doing enough to support her and be there for her. I too feel bad if myself and my partner do anything on a weekend or go out in the evening as I feel I ought to be including her, but it’s difficult as she is 50 minutes drive away and obviously you cannot be with them all the time. She has made a great effort to find activities within the local community though which is filling some of the emptiness for her. Mum and dad had a campervan and went touring round France twice a year, selling that was so hard for all of us.

I cannot believe my dad isn’t here and obviously this first Christmas without him is going to be so hard. He was always the one joking around with the children (24 & 27) and making us all laugh. I found the table card with his name on the other day which reduced me to tears and I felt what’s even the point of doing Christmas.

Also, like you my friends were fantastic whilst he was in the hospice but as soon as the funeral was over, I feel like nobody is bothered. Their lives go back to normal, but mine, my mums and grandchildren are left with a massive void in our lives.

People say it gets easier in time, but I really don’t feel like I will ever be able to move on as I loved my dad so much, talked to him, confided in him and adored him.
I wish I could stop feeling so guilty, that I don’t do enough for mum now and that I didn’t do enough for dad when he was ill.

I truly hope that you find some peace Michelle. If all the forums are true, then I believe it will happen in time or that the good days will be more often and the bad days less.

Carolyn xx