I lost my dear dad three days before Xmas I was with him when he died. The last year has been traumatic with his health going downhill and I have spent hours and hours in a&e with him! The last time was traumatic he was very poorly and I was literally watching him die in front of my eyes yet it was still a massive shock when he passed. The last few days have just been a haze trying to look after my mum and being Christmas has made it even worse!I am just so exhausted. Am worried for my own mental health but feel selfish if I take time for myself 
even if I do I just cry or can’t sleep thinking about what I witnessed my poor dad going through! His wish was to die at home which we managed to make sure happened but for those of us left behind it feels so awful going into the room where he died! I feel my memories of him at the moment are of him gasping for breath I just can’t get it out of my head
Hello @Mary13,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
You might also want to look at: Losing a parent - coping with the death of a parent | Sue Ryder
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hi @Mary13, im so sorry for your loss. Ive realised that no matter how the end is for our loved ones we are all left with trauma or guilt and flash backs of those last images. From my experience as a paramedic and someone who looks after a lot of people who are end of life it is quite common to be gasping for breath, its called agonal breathing or air hunger, its upsetting to witness but its part of the body shutting down. Hopefully your dad will not have been suffering at this time, and the positve for him is you were able to respect his wishes and have him at home. Thats a massive thing to be able to do for him. You are still so raw, in time these traumatic memories will fade and you will be able to recall the good memories. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling as its all normal. Just be gentle on yourself