I just can’t come to terms with losing my hubby, best friend and soulmate. I am disabled and he was my main carer. My heart is breaking.
Yes, I know he was not a well person with incurable but controllable non-Hodgkins lymphoma and supposedly controlled heart failure in the early stages. He was not an early riser but that morning early in June I had shouted him to get up as we had a busy day ahead. He got in the shower and I heard a bang. I struggled upstairs and he had collapsed in the shower and I could see he wasn’t breathing. Dialled 999 and the lady kept me talking until the paramedics arrived. Meanwhile I was trying to get the shower door open but couldn’t because it folded inwards. I felt so useless, I couldn’t get to him to try and get him out or only switch the water off. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t do anything. The paramedics asked me if he had a DNR. They did manage to get his heart started again but told me it wasn’t looking good. Meanwhile I rang my morning carer to come to me for some support. I didn’t even get chance to say goodbye or give him a final kiss. He needed a post-mortem because death was not expected much to my dismay.
In my heart of hearts I knew I had lost him. I keep thinking what if? had I been able to start CPR would he have survived. The guilt is horrendous. I miss him so very much and am always wanting to sob but I can’t, something is stopping me.
I have lost a large amount of weight but I eat properly. I tried CRUSE but they weren’t much help as only on the phone. I have a counselling appointment, yet again only by phone, with an organisation my GP put me in touch with. I really feel that I need to see someone face to face. This organisation does do face to face but I don’t drive, can’t walk as far as the bus stop and they will not do a home visit.
I don’t know where to turn for help with coming to terms with losing him. I can’t turn to my family as they all think I am fine. A friend just tells me I am a strong person and will get over it. Life is such a struggle physically and mentally.
So sorry for the tirade but I need to vent somewhere.
Im so sorry that you are left feeling so many mixed emotions following the loss of your husband in such tragic circumstances. Finding the right support for you might take some trial and error. When I lost my hubby 4 months ago I found it really hard to find anything where I live.
Hopefully others on here will signpost you to somewhere soon so that you can get the support you need
Jen x
Hello Forlorn
I would just like to say Im sorry for your loss. I feel your pain . If you want to rant then rant if you want to cry you cry we will be here for you alway listening xxx
Sometimes the people that are closest to us dont understand our grief. Keep reach out we are here
Hi @Forlorn
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I too lost my 60 year old husband suddenly despite us thinking he was fit and well. No outward signs of any heart problems yet he died after a coronary embolus.
My husband did have CPR, carried out by a Dr. friend who had been playing football with him. Once the paramedics arrived they couldn’t restart his heart. I gather it is only successful in about 10% of cases. I’m not sure whether that will help but it shows that, even had you been able to do CPR for your husband, it may not have kept him alive.
A comment made by a friend has also helped as she said that however you are feeling at each moment is how you are meant to be feeling. There is no set path to grief; it takes many forms and many time spans. Be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much of yourself.
Sending love xxx
Thank you so much for the replies. I realise that I am not alone, others have experienced the same. On saying that I feel alone. My hubby and I had a life together but also separate lives, if you know what I mean. I always thought I would be able to cope if I was left on my own but in reality, that is not to be. The grief is awful, and I am finding it very difficult to carry on. To make matters worse, with my disability I am unable to do much so I have little to fill my time. He was always there for me. A more loving and caring husband I couldn’t have wished for. Tears are always very close, if only I could let them go.
@Forlorn
That extra difficulty with your disability is bound to make life without such a caring man harder.
I am a physio by profession and spent my working life with people of all ages with varying disabilities so I maybe understand a bit of that.
Tears may be a good thing when they do come. I get caught by music even when I’m not expecting it to bring on the tears. Maybe actually triggering them would be a good thing if you can think of something which is likely to. I’m no expert by any means but I do sometimes feel as if mine are building up at times and only having a good sob helps.
It is bound to take time to work out what you CAN do in your life. I’m sure you have many strengths when you begin to allow them out.
Sending love. xxx
Write a journal about your thoughts and feelings. Husband died in hospital but wish I had asked more questions about his treatment. Its called survivor’s guilt. You would still feel guilty if you had tried and failed.
Hello Forlorn,
Felt I had to reply because I felt I could really understand what you’re going through… I lost my lovely husband 7 months ago after a short illness so it was a shock & as in your case my husband was my carer because I’m disabled & my mobility is terrible. I have no family except 3 stepdaughters & I was with my Norm for over 35 years & he was my rock & my best friend. I also contacted Cruse but the nearest meeting place is 20 miles away & I can’t get there. I find it difficult to get in & out of some cars so lifts aren’t possible.The loneliness just gets unbearable sometimes doesn’t it & like you I don’t know where to turn… I go days when I don’t see anyone & thank goodness for good friends on the telephone even they all live miles away from me. I also do my grocery shopping online & get it delivered so I tend to comfort eat & watch rubbish tv for hours just to get through the day. At 72 I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry for feeling so sorry for myself because I know there are many in worse situations but like you I just need to let off steam
Take care of yourself.
Sending love - Jackie
Oh Jackie, I really feel for you. I can get into a car but it has to be the right height. Although I am not allowed to drive anymore, I did change my husband’s car for one I could get into easily so that my daughter could use it to run me about. Appointments are difficult because she works and lives a few miles away. I do have a mobility scooter that will get me to the village centre and the supermarket. My social life consists of going to the cafe in the square for a coffee and chat with folk that go there regularly.
I am unable to watch TV or anything that moves and am noise intolerant. I have little sense of balance and use a frame to mobilise. I have been like that for 18 years now.
As you say, my hubby was my rock too. He would do bits and bobs around the house even though I have a cleaner.
On top of that I had a hip replacement at the beginning of the year and he gave me so much personal help. My other hip needs replacing but I have deferred that as I won’t be able to manage much in the early days although I never pamper it.
Luckily I have a carer who comes each morning to help me shower and dress but I can’t put on her too much.
Have you ever thought about a mobility scooter, the right one for you could probably give you some sort of life.
Dear @Forlorn
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Ranting is ok, you are hurting badly at losing someone very precious to you. The guilt, anger etc… we have all been there, it’s normal stages in grief and yours sounds so very raw still.
All I would say is be kind and gentle to yourself. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, what helps you is the right way. All our experiences are unique because we are all unique individuals.
I had telephone counselling from mind organised by my GP and the counsellor was so helpful. I would recommend bereavement counselling to anyone who has lost a precious loved one.
Until then try to take it hour by hour if necessary, people on here understand and get it exactly so please do not feel you are alone, it’s been a God send to me.
I’ll keep you in my prayers also with a gentle hug,
John (and marian)
Thank you all for the support and suggestions. At last, I have found somewhere I can be frank. I am so used to answering folk who ask with “I am fine” as I keep my emotions inside me.
In just over a week I have my first counselling session, only by phone though. I will see how that goes but still feel I would be better off having a face to face session.
I’m using sue ryder text counselling which I’m honestly finding very good. It’s like have a booster shot every few days to keep you going on. I highly recommend it.
John (and marian) 
Thank you, I will keep that in mind in case I don’ find my appointment next week any good. In all honesty I feel as though face to face would be better for me but I am willing to try anything to help me come to terms with losing him. I still have flashbacks of seeing him collapsed in the shower and that seems to put me back to square one.
This book helped & is helping me a great deal. I am now rereading it as there is so much good I have found there.
Please just remember we are here for each other in the most painful club no one wants to join.
It’s not a sprint but a marathon where the winning line is our missing loved one waiting with open arms.
John (and marian)
Thank you, just ordered it. So grateful for any sort of help.
Sorry Marion, I should have mentioned MIND do ptsd counselling also.
I saw my wife have a major tonic seizure in front of me and I still see that in flashbacks.
Maybe worth mentioning that to your GP or counsellor.
I wish you as well as you can be during these painful times. I find it helps knowing others understand what I am going through and completely “get it” as well.
Kind regards, john (and marian)
Just an update.
Book has now arrived but I am yet to start trying to read it. Reading is difficult for me because of my short term memory loss. I can’t remember what I have just read so have to keep on going back.
Had the telephone call yesterday and it was just an assessment. She said it sounded as if there was some PTSD involved. She recommended face to face counselling so is going to see if she can get me in at the nearer small town because I will need to use taxis and they are very expensive now. £14 each way to where she is based and weekly it would add up to more than I could afford. Waiting for a call back in a couple of weeks.
Meanwhile, try as I may to drag myself up it is not working.