Lost my daughter to suicide

That is the sad truth, no one can know the pain we live through every day unless they have lost a child. That is why nothing and no one can help. Only here. I tried counselling and it was demeaning, he tried text book grieving coping mechanisms, I don’t want to cope with losing my child, I want my child. There is nothing text book about the grief we feel.

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Agreed, I looked into counselling but knew at some point I would ask them the question ‘have you lost a child’ if you haven’t how on earth could you begin to know how I feel and what I need, no disrespect to counsellors it just wasn’t for me. Talking on here makes me realise I’m not the only one going through this, I’m not alone with my feelings, emotions, anger, sadness, guilt, there are more of us out there and that in some way gives me some comfort, hard to explain, sorry.

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Totally agree, as sad as it is,
the fact there are others suffering and understanding helps enormously.
I have a friend who lost her only child 10years ago, she was there for me throughout my daughter’s illness, sometimes to the point where I felt she over stepped. Since my daughter died I see her rarely, I sometimes feel she was there in the hope my daughter would die, I don’t blame her because I would be devastated if there was a miracle cure found for my daughter’s illness. I can’t watch anything on TV that has a happy ending, fact or fiction. I want everyone in the world to feel my grief and understand my pain. I don’t want to be the only one suffering this loss. Am I an awful person? Totally. Do I care? No.

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@Kattbid i am truly sorry your daughter has died . This is quite obviously so traumatic for you and must be so difficult to understand. I hope that in time you are able to stop blaming yourself for what happened.
I am sorry this is an inadequate response to such a horror , I just wanted to offer my love and support to you ,
Julie xxx

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My daughter will be 29 forever! And it’s the hardest thing. I’ll never see her get married, I’m 50 this year and I will NOT be celebrating it. I’m sorry your partner ghosted you (how cruel!!) Ive found that NOTHING can hurt me anymore after my beautiful first born left. If my partner was to leave me it wouldnt hurt like I do now. Some of my family even argued with my youngest daughter on the day of the funeral, telling her to k*ll herself. They were cut off, and they will NEVER be iny life again. Life is not the same and never will be. I ache for my daughter. I wake up each day wishing I didn’t, and that will never change x

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My boy will always be 32, handsome, strong, firefighter. I’m like you, nothing will ever hurt this bad, I hear people every day complaining about things or they are ill or someone has died and all I think is I’ve lost my son, what could be worse than that, is that selfish ?

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I think the same thing. My husband is always moaning and all I’m thinking in my head is ‘I have lost my son! He is not my son’s father, he still has both his children. In fact I’ve become less tolerant of my husband full stop. When he flew out for my son’s funeral in California his first words were ‘you didn’t notice I bought new jumper and trousers’. I’m not the same woman that I was before I lost my son and I can see me leaving.

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@Lcc59 i am so sorry :disappointed: i losty husband 8yrs ago almost. He drowned which was hard enough but i moved on and met someone. 3yrs together and the perfect doting partner for all to see at funeral. Everyone kept saying how lucky i was!!! Hmmm ok ive lost my daughter & husband of 22yrs but ok. Mr perfect disappeared after funeral and didnt make contact for 11 weeks n then a text to say he couldn’t do this its over!!! They are the selfish ones not us
I was still making sure he was ok etc
This will def make or break relationships but maybe you could try some counselling? My partner leaving didnt even hurt. Nothing can hurt us more than the pain we carry every second of every day. 6 months in. Kara-leigh’s mum fe29 xxxx

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I totally get that. My partner is not my kids father. He has 2 boys and doesn’t even begin to know how I feel (I’m glad he doesn’t have to go through what I do everyday) he tried to support me, he does his best, BUT I am a changed person, he’s started to notice it too, I am destroyed by the loss of my daughter, I’m walking through life like I’m actually not present. I wake up and wish I hadn’t. The only reason I haven’t done anything is because I know the devastation it leaves behind and I couldn’t do that to my other two kids. It kills me to know I’m never going to see her face or hear her voice again and I’ll never get over it

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I’m so glad I joined this group, all my feelings are repeated in your stories and I find comfort knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way, I’m not crazy and it’s ok to be selfish about this, none of my friends or relatives have lost a child and I look at them with a numbness when they say someone has passed away… I don’t care… oh well…shit happens… I’m living a half life.

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I was told a few weeks ago that some one passed and I felt nothing. I feel nothing every day. I don’t think about the future anymore
I wake up l, I go through the motions…it’s a half life, and that’s ok, because how can I “live” without my daughter here. I’ve seen on here and SoBs lots of people’s messages and it’s like I’ve written them myself. As I’ve said before, I’m in an elite club I don’t want to be a member of

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I too am glad i found this. Im sick of ppl trying to compare the loss of their elderly ppl and then feel really guilty but i feel we are allowed to have that selfishness. This isnt the order of life, we shouldn’t be at our childrens funerals. I totally agree with you about the other kids. Sometimes i feel trapped in this hell called life but i also have 2 daughter’s and my daughter left my granddaughter that keep me going. I wake in a panic attack and basically wait for the day to end. Everyone seems to have moved on now. Its 6 months!!! Even my best friend of 24 yrs seems to have given up visiting. Ive one 18yr old still at home n i can go from fri to sun without seeing a soul. Its a very lonely place grief. I’ve already lost husband, sister, brother, dad and i thought i knew grief, this is completely different and i dont think anyone can imagine the pain, isolation, physical effects on top of mental. I dont even know how im still standing tbh. This post is all me, me, me and im not sorry, we deserve to put ourselves first, every single one of us deserves to be heard x

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This pain we feel is so overwhelming, every day I miss my son. He will be 35 forever, he’ll not get to live his best life with his wife and stepson. I would willingly give my life if there were any way to swap places, it feels so wrong that I’m here and he’s not. He’s been cheated of a future because a hospital didn’t look after him properly. He was my funny son, the one that could make everyone smile. I have to carry on for my other sons, they need me too and they miss their brother.

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I know the feeling…I feel nothing most of the time. My outlook on life has completely changed, in fact I have a hard outlook on everything. I only deal with the day, no point looking ahead, life has changed to much. This site is my lifeline

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Omg that is horrific :cry: :broken_heart: my mother walked imto my house on day of funeral didn’t even say hello. Not one text or call. I don’t know how ppl can be so cruel. Im so very sorry, you and ur daughter are same ages. I too imagine her wedding day. I am blessed with a granddaughter although her dad would prefer it if i disappeared and him n new wife could play happy families. Thankfully shes very much like her mum and wont be put in a box. Shes already asked to live with me. Ill just sit back for now as shes gonna resent him soon. Sending you love light and strength to keep going in your daughters name. Xxx

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@Sammy25 no of course that’s not selfish it’s a perfectly natural thing to think . Xxx

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Happy heavenly birthday to my boy today :blue_heart: 35 and I remember it like it was yesterday. My partner had to work away today and overnight to tomorrow and I was dreading today but I’ve kicked the hoover, banged my knee and kicked the blanket box, bought some herbal sleeping pills, shouted at the cat, screamed into a pillow, twice, cried and cried and eaten a full trifle. I’m exhausted and going to have a bath and bed. I wrote Happy birthday, all my love mum x in your birthday card and placed it with all your photo’s. Love you to the moon and back son, mum xx

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