Lost my daughter to suicide

I lost my daughter to suicide in October '23. The days and nights since then have been horrendous. I exist, I don’t live. She was 29 and was my firstborn, she was a mommy. I feel like the biggest failure as her mom. I should have known I should have seen a sign or something. I should have saved her. My heart is broken, I don’t know what to do anymore

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Hello kattbid, I’m sorry for your loss. The grief you must be enduring is so sad. I hope you can find some peace sharing your pain on this forum. There are many here who are grieving and by communicating we can help each other heal word by word. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you @Peterb for your kind words. I struggle everyday with this and I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. I hope you’ve received the same kind of response (whatever your circumstance) x

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I feel your pain I lost my son through drugs and still broken by it 10 months later. You will in time start to find some days easier but it takes time. I feel like crap today again. This site is a life line. I find writing a journal each day helps me. Take care, be kind to yourself and take the days minute by minute x

@MJG I thank you for your kind words. I have had a very bad couple of days, but I’m still trying to follow the advice I got from some lovely person on the SoBs site that said “they choose to live every day they wake up” I have to carry on for my other children/grandkids and that’s the only thing that keeps me opening my eyes and breathing. The guilt is unbearable and the grief is all consuming… But I continue, and the only reason I do that, is because I know the devastation of suicide. Otherwise I would not be here x

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Hi there, I’m new to this site, it has taken this long to talk about it to people outside family and friends. I too lost my son 26 months ago aged 32, he took his own life, I hate the Su… word. If it hadn’t been for my other son I wouldn’t be here today, my world changed that day and will never be the same again. I have good days and I have very dark days when my thoughts are all doom and gloom. I am riddled with guilt, I’m his mum and I failed to protect him. He was an amazing firefighter/paramedic in USA, son, brother and dad, but along with job came PTSD.
Days do get better and you will find a coping mechanism to get through the bad days.

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I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and can probably say I share your pain. I too lost a daughter to suicide, nearly 7 years ago now and life hasn’t been the same since.
I have been through such a lot of should haves, could haves, loads of alternative scenarios and guilt trips, which you seem to be doing. They don’t work. I have found that actually there was nothing that could have been done by me to alter what happened.
Your grief is still so raw at the moment but try and be gentle on yourself and show yourself some compassion, you need it, especially if you have grandchild/ren in your life. They need someone to be there for them and they for you.
Sending big hugs and love to you xxx

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I lost my 35 year old son, it will be 7 years in March x

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Sorry for your loss, no one should lose a child no matter what age, my son was 32, my first born. I still feel like this has happened to someone else and not me, like I’m watching someone else’s struggle not mine, hard to explain but at least on here you are talking to people who have actually been in your situation and know how you feel, I haven’t had counselling thought I’d start here first. x

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So sorry that you are here. My daughter was 29 and took her life in August 23. 6 months next week and now im riddled with severe anxiety constant panic attacks. Most of my family are dead, very sudden early deaths. My youngest is still at home but mentioned moving out by end of year. Completely pushed me over the edge. Sounds so selfish but everyone has someone. My 2 surviving girls have partner’s. My husband passed away 7 yrs ago. I met a new partner who ghosted after her funeral. 3 yrs together 11 wks no contact. Cruelest thing anyone could ever do. My anxiety is thru roof constantly. Im so scared of being alone. Ive been mum for 30 yrs im 48. They just dont seem to think i need support too. So on top of daughter’s life ending, partner leaves, dog died, 2 emergency surgeries. 1 on 20th dec, still nobody even thought to invite me for xmas dinner! This is by far the hardest loss ive had. Im so sorry you have to feel this too xxxx

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My daughter died in August 23 too, my marriage ended just before she was ill , my dog died and my mother died 6 weeks before my daughter. It’s totally shit isn’t it?
I can’t do anything anymore.
I can’t accept she’s gone, I can’t do any of the things we did together, what is the point of me? I am just a shell, flesh and skin covering sadness, despair and an ache so powerful it consumes me with anger, bitterness and resentment.
Life doesn’t go on, breathing does.

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I feel for every single one of you in the messages above. Our children should never feel that taking their own life is an option to any of their problems. i lived for my children. My family is now broken, there is just this huge gaping hole that will never be filled. Six months since my son chose to end his life age 20. Six months of misery, questions, sadness. Now we are left broken for the rest of our lives, doing what we can to survive each day, caring for our other kids, whilst carrying this sadness with us all the time. The grief we suffer is different to any other grief. Only people who have gone through their child taking their life truly understands. I hate when people ask how are your other children, well, they’re just hunky dory thanks… I just wish people wouldn’t speak to me. It is easier just saying Hi and strolling on.

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I know exactly how you feel I lost my daughter to suicide on 30/5/23 I don’t think the pain will ever stop,although I come across as coping really well Iv got a constant weight on my chest and I will never understand why she did it

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It never stops, it’s constantly there, I say to myself my son took his own life but it doesn’t seem real, I think of him first thing in the morning and last thing at night, throughout the day and night when I wake at 2am and try to stop myself thinking dark thoughts, I have found a “happier place” in my mind, I vision walking through a forest, crisp leaves crunching underfoot, sun streaming through the trees and bluebells scattered around, this temporarily helps me and trust me I use this a lot… I never thought this would happen to me, us, our family… :blue_heart:

Sammy25, I lost my son in March 2023 through drugs and still broken but I am getting there slowly. I like the vision you have and if that helps you then anything goes. I loose myself in exercise most days, writing my daily journal I find really helps. We will never get over our losses any of us, but when I get really sad, which is often I try and think would my son want me to be sad…answer always comes bank to no…easier said than done. I still can’t believe I won’t see him again. I’ve changed as a person so much, zero tolerance for niff naff things, removed friends from my life especially one as she was so negative. I prefer my own company…it’s easier I think as no one else understands the pain we carry with us.

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I have removed people too, and changed as a person, I will never be the same again, a numbness has set in, nothing shocks me anymore.

No you are so right nothing shocks me anymore. I had the biggest shock of my life, like everyone else on here. I have felt better even removing my best friend from my life. I realised her negativity wasn’t helping me and she was listening to gossip and trying to tell me it was right. Even when I told her she was wrong she blatantly said well that’s what I was told. This journey has given me a total different outlook on life and if people don’t like the way I am that’s there problem not mine. It may sound harsh but can’t and won’t change my outlook. This site is my lifeline, take care x

@Sammy25 @MJG like you i can’t be bothered with people talking crap like they know everything. Nothing shocks me either, a few things have happened around the house etc and i just think ‘whatever’ it will get fixed when i can be bothered. We make our own path to follow. I also got rid of a best friend. I have not told her. I have just not bothered with her. She didn’t come to the funeral, gave a feeble excuse, didn’t come to see me, and still hasn’t six months later, saying she was giving me time etc. No you couldn’t be bothered. If the shoe had been on the other foot i would have been down at her door with a card and flowers and some essentials to save her going out. My son died, it doesn’t matter how he died, the reaction from people should be the same regardless but because he took his own life i have been treated differently by some people. I just get on with my life with my partner, family and a couple of nice friends, i don’t need anyone else, so original best friend gone, we can’t get that back.

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My daughter didn’t take her own life but the reaction of others is appalling. Most ignore me. They drop their heads, cross the street, I’ve even seen one run back into her house.
I feel like they believe my grief is contagious. Don’t go near her you may catch her sorrow.
I walk in the world, some days I manage to put on make up but I also wear a cap or sunglasses, my shield of invisibility. The shield is for me because to them I’m already invisible.
Friends don’t reach out and family have been shocking in their absence. But like you all, I no longer care. I care about nothing as I have nothing to care for.

I’m so pleased others feel the way I do, nothing compares to losing a child of any age yet everyone has advice, until they’ve walked a day in my shoes their advice is irrelevant, I know that sounds harsh but it’s the way I feel, and I know friends and family are trying to help. Nothing in this world matters to me as much as my son I have lost and the one I have left, he is my world now and that worries me, all my eggs are in one basket now.

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