Lost my daughter

I lost my daughter 16/01/21 even though she had been seriously ill for 6 months it was unexpected. I have been staying with my son & wife since she went into hospital 7 mths ago and my daughters death has hit me badly she was 43yr old and we were very close . My son and his wife think I should be doing things differently to cope , and not be sad , I have been baking , taking my dog out doing my garden but because I sometimes sit quietly in the evening ( I do make conversation about tv programmes and my garden I’m changing) but he lost his temper when I said I’d arranged for the celebrate who is arranging the funeral to come to their house , she has been vaccinated and we would be social distancing, he said I should have asked first and also because the funeral cars were leaving from his house I should have asked if it was ok , it’s not the first time he’s lost his temper with me in the last 7 months I was so upset I walked out and came home so I’m grieving for my daughter and now my son won’t speak to me . I don’t know what to do

Hi Caroli,

I am so sorry, but families are so complex, I don’t know what to do either. All I know is that COVID makes things 1,000 times worse for all of us, if not much more than that.

Some people are terrified of catching COVID, others are nonchalant, because they are young and in good health, they think they’ll survive it… I have a degree in a medical science, and it is giving me a total headache, because friends of my age and older are desperate for the vaccine, whilst the husband of a younger good friend is defiantly against it.

All I can say is that your son must be upset too, but he’s expressing his anger in a different way. You’re his mum too, so perhaps he’s feeling a bit abandoned or something like that. I don’t know.

I know only that the loss of a child is the worst loss of all, whether is was expected or unexpected, for anyone to bear. The only certainty in life, as a doctor said, is that the death rate is 100%. But the natural order of things is that parents die first, and children die later.

You will find others here in the same predicament, and they will be able to help you more than I can. Perhaps you could consider Sue Ryder’s online bereavement service, which is free.

Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, your dog, your garden, and anything that gives you some solace.

With compassion, because I have no natural children, just an adopted son.

Christie xxx

He’s been very hard on you. People can behave badly when under stress. Not that it makes it right. You have suffered the worst possible loss. You do not need your son losing his temper and telling you what you can and can’t do. In your own space you might feel more at peace with your grieving. And you will also not have to tip toe around your son. And hopefully he will in time realise his actions. But for now you need to concentrate on yourself. Your son has his wife. I would send him a letter maybe just saying that you all need to be a family. But for now it’s easier if you each have your own space. But you are there for him and love him. But also you need to grieve

Thank you Christie , I will think about the counciling and just hope
Things improve with my son

Thank you jooles45
For your advice and yes I can grieve for my daughter in my own
Home and in my own time , I’m just so sad at the way my son has behaved when I needed him but I will cope because I can hear my daughter telling ,me “ come on mum you can do this “