Hello all, my first post here, This is very hard and emotional to write, i’ve never done anything like this before so please bear with me, thank you.
It’s been a difficult life (but I will always remember and appreciate that some others have it harder), I came from a broken home, was bullied at school, was almost homeless, struggled with gambling addiction and binge drinking, and had very difficult issues throughout my career (some of it was my fault, a lot of the time it wasn’t).
Then my amazing, beautiful fiance died suddenly, aged just 29, from heart failure. Her family rejected me and didn’t even mention me at her funeral. Mostly because I came from a “lower class” area than theirs and I had problems finding work whilst we were together. She was loved by everyone and a good soul. That was ten years ago and I haven’t been able to bring myself to form another relationship again.
Then my Stepdad died soon after. He brought me up for 23 years and was a strong disciplinarian, an alcoholic and could be physical at times. But underneath, he was a good soul with a big heart but he was troubled, and Ihe knew he was troubled.
My angel of a mother, my beautiful, incredible Mother was with me through all of this, The most incredible support who would have done anything for me. 6 months ago, she was in her 80’s, walking miles, going everywhere and socilaising…then tragically, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I fought to get her home, and I looked after her 24/7 until the end and she had everything she could possibly want during that time, I would have given anything to get her what she wanted.
And then she passed about a month ago. She was so grateful for me looking after her and was always praising me for getting a good job and cooking for her. We would go away together and we would go to pubs/restaurants and the like.
But I am consumed by regret, it’s literally eating me from the inside out. I wasn’t great to her at times, I was terrible with money (and still am), I could be intolerant and short-tempered as well as needlessly critical. My life has been so up and down that I sruggled to cope at times and had a lot of mood swings…she was always happy, always in a good mood and I brought her down at times…I deeply, deeply regret that…there was a time that she couldn’t go on holiday because she didn’t have enough money because I had been borrowing incessantly…she didn’t tell me because I would have crawled through hell and back to get her the money…so finding out was desperately hard. When I had money, I could be extremely generous, treating her to shopping, holidays, meals out etc. but I could have been so much better.
I’m completely alone in a house that has had multiple occupancy my entire life. I can live with that to a certain extent and I am blessed with amazing friends…But the pain of feeling that I could have been more, I could have done more…and the feeling of never being able to talk to her again or give her a cuddle is all-consuming. I’m constantly talking to her and praying/crying that she can send me a sign or appear to me. She promised she would appear to me but hasn’t…and now I fear there really is no afterlife, we might really be dust to dust…
I’m in my 40’s and lost a great many other people too and three to COVID. A lot of people say I am very emotionally strong considering what I have gone through but I feel like absolutely nothing at the moment. My Mum was my absolute life, my world, I loved her with every fibre of my being and I’m breaking down inside, wondering whether I told her that enough times.
I would be very grateful for some advice, thank you so much, sincerely and genuinely appreciated.