Lost my Father, my Fiance (aged 29) now lost Mother

Losing a parent
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Hello all, my first post here, This is very hard and emotional to write, i’ve never done anything like this before so please bear with me, thank you.

It’s been a difficult life (but I will always remember and appreciate that some others have it harder), I came from a broken home, was bullied at school, was almost homeless, struggled with gambling addiction and binge drinking, and had very difficult issues throughout my career (some of it was my fault, a lot of the time it wasn’t).

Then my amazing, beautiful fiance died suddenly, aged just 29, from heart failure. Her family rejected me and didn’t even mention me at her funeral. Mostly because I came from a “lower class” area than theirs and I had problems finding work whilst we were together. She was loved by everyone and a good soul. That was ten years ago and I haven’t been able to bring myself to form another relationship again.

Then my Stepdad died soon after. He brought me up for 23 years and was a strong disciplinarian, an alcoholic and could be physical at times. But underneath, he was a good soul with a big heart but he was troubled, and Ihe knew he was troubled.

My angel of a mother, my beautiful, incredible Mother was with me through all of this, The most incredible support who would have done anything for me. 6 months ago, she was in her 80’s, walking miles, going everywhere and socilaising…then tragically, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I fought to get her home, and I looked after her 24/7 until the end and she had everything she could possibly want during that time, I would have given anything to get her what she wanted.

And then she passed about a month ago. She was so grateful for me looking after her and was always praising me for getting a good job and cooking for her. We would go away together and we would go to pubs/restaurants and the like.

But I am consumed by regret, it’s literally eating me from the inside out. I wasn’t great to her at times, I was terrible with money (and still am), I could be intolerant and short-tempered as well as needlessly critical. My life has been so up and down that I sruggled to cope at times and had a lot of mood swings…she was always happy, always in a good mood and I brought her down at times…I deeply, deeply regret that…there was a time that she couldn’t go on holiday because she didn’t have enough money because I had been borrowing incessantly…she didn’t tell me because I would have crawled through hell and back to get her the money…so finding out was desperately hard. When I had money, I could be extremely generous, treating her to shopping, holidays, meals out etc. but I could have been so much better.

I’m completely alone in a house that has had multiple occupancy my entire life. I can live with that to a certain extent and I am blessed with amazing friends…But the pain of feeling that I could have been more, I could have done more…and the feeling of never being able to talk to her again or give her a cuddle is all-consuming. I’m constantly talking to her and praying/crying that she can send me a sign or appear to me. She promised she would appear to me but hasn’t…and now I fear there really is no afterlife, we might really be dust to dust…

I’m in my 40’s and lost a great many other people too and three to COVID. A lot of people say I am very emotionally strong considering what I have gone through but I feel like absolutely nothing at the moment. My Mum was my absolute life, my world, I loved her with every fibre of my being and I’m breaking down inside, wondering whether I told her that enough times.

I would be very grateful for some advice, thank you so much, sincerely and genuinely appreciated.

Kind regards,

James

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I am so sorry that you are going through this, advice is difficult because we all respond differently. Perhaps in a few days you could check out counselling so as to express your feelings and explore solutions that will ease to onwards.
Do not be hard on yourself, give your self time.

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@JamesP You have endured far too much in your life. You know more about grief and the grieving process that anyone here.
All I can say is, the past is gone forever, the present is this very minute, and the future is an open book that has yet to be written.
Have you ever thought about writing down everything that has happened to you? I can tell you write well (I work in publishing) and you might find yourself with a best seller. I have to say it could also ‘bomb’ - the trade is fickle and dependant on what’s fashionable at the moment and plenty of good publicity.
Of all the things you’ve done in your life, by far the greatest is caring for your mother and letting her die at home. That take courage, patience, skill and love.
I understand your regrets, which we all have - mine are endless and a source of great sorrow - but I am sure if your mother talked to you now, she would thank you and tell you how much she loves you.
I’m glad you’re here and a member of our gang of miserable mourners who somehow manage to help each other.
So welcome. Take very good care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and try to maintain hope that tomorrow will be a better day than today.

With love, Christie xxx

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You are not alone. I am single and lost without my mother and father who died a few years ago. At its worst, all I can say is that one day we will die too.

You are still young enough to carry on and create some sort of life and when you are 80, you will be glad that you did.

And, by the way: you should address your problems, like with money or with other things, so that you give yourself something to work on. We all need goals and challenges and facing practical things can help clear the path. No booze, exercise, church, saving, volunteer … all the good stuff will add, to you life. I started sewing pillows for heart patients! Why not! Or find someone you admire and try to emulate how they live their life. Time enough for a do-over.

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@Christie that is so kind, thank you so much for your lovely words and support, that truly means a great deal, thank you.

Funnily enough, I do write, I have two books that are half finished. It’s a real passion of mine and something I enjoy a thousand times more than my day job.

I sincerely appreciate what you said about caring for Mother. I would have done it for years if I had to and I would have done it with a smile on my face because that is far better than not having her here at all. It’s changed my opinion on people who suffer and have very little quality of life; I thought previously that it was probably kinder to let them go but not now…her not being here in any capacity is just something unfathomably painful.

Thank you, I have been through a great deal. Despite that, my outlook on line has been fairly bright but I feel losing my Mum has pushed me over the threshold of what I can take, the pain is immense. I hope I can bounce back for her sake…if I do, it will be because of enormously kind people like you with big hearts, thank you so much.

James

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Dear @JamesP,

Your are so very welcome, Please PM me if you would like help with your writing. I agree with everything you say, except for one thing - my husband died in very great pain because of a total failure in the provision of palliative pain. I watched him as he lay dying of acute heart failure. I held him in my arms as he finally died by cardiac arrest. It would have been good, I think, if his last 2 hours of pain and then agonising death could have been avoided.
As I said, you have suffered so much grief in your life already that the death off your mother pushed you into overload. No wonder you feel terrible.
With best wishes & hope for your future,
Christie xxx

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Dear James,

First and foremost, sorry for your recent loss. You have gone through so much over the years but you have shown great strength in dealing with it all.

I too lost my fiancé, two and a half years ago. It is such a complicated grief for me as he took his own life due to redeveloping mental health issues. The online community that I have found has been so supportive and kind. I do hope that you find the same, now dealing with another loss. You supported your mum in every way possible so please just be kind to yourself now. Try just to get through it one day at a time or even one hour. There is no time frame for all your compounded grief. One day things will seem a little brighter, just belive it. Hugs to you xxx

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@Shazza13 Thank you for taking the time to reply to me and for your amazing amount of kindness, thank you so much,

My heart goes out to you enormously concerning your fiance. Mine was only 29 years old at the time and we were so much in love. Her passing through heart failure was so unexpected and I have been single for 11 year since. My cousin also committed suicide and the ripple effect that it had on our family was, and is, immense.

It is so important to cleanse the mind and temporarily relieve yourself of all the trappings of, not only your life, but the life you experienced with your partner (temporarily at the very least). My fiance and I would have been married with children by now…it took me some time but I felt great comfort in getting away on my own…just jumping off at some random railway station or spending a few days away at some random holiday destination. its a beautiful thing because you don’t have to rely on anyone but yourself, you can just think and breathe,its not a solution but it is incredibly liberating…trust me on that,

Thank you so much again. You sound like an amazingly kind, intelligent lady and I sincerely hope you can find as much closure and peace as possible.

James

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Hi I think we all have regrets of what we did or didn’t do and some suffer more than others. You have to look ahead now because that will eat you up what’s done is done. Try and make some steps to build your self esteem by making positive changes - hope you start to feel better

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Hi James
A loss triggers a previous loss and multiple losses means you are in a constant state of grief bringing up all the emotions that goes with grieving and as these losses are all related to you, it’s easy for you to make the connection everything is your fault, hence the feelings of regret. None of this is anything to do with you as nobody knows when our time is up. What matters is you loved your fiance, stepdad and mum and they clearly loved you too. Your mum would want you to live your life the best way you can and wouldn’t want to see you upset. None of us are perfect and have all made mistakes but love forgives, so go easy on yourself. None of us can change the past or see in to the future so take one step at a time, day, by day and learn to love yourself and more importantly to forgive yourself because you are only human. Let the love they left behind nuture you. Take care

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Dear,

James,

So sorry for your loss,and all you have been through. Still struggling to come to terms with the loss of my Mum in september 2017,and my Dad in August 2019. Just feels like a nightmare i cannot wake up from,but this site helps to make you see that your not alone,or the only one going through something like bereavement. Wishing you a better year ahead,Lucy,xxx