Hello, I am writing to see if others have felt like this. I lost my fiancé of 18 months 4 weeks ago. It was unexpected he had a cardiac arrest and was in a coma for 3 weeks before he died. During his coma I was told he was brain dead but may go into residential care. All the 3 weeks I still expected him to wake up, he never did, I am not sure if I understood properly or just had hope. I was his fiance but he wasn’t quite divorced yet so his ex wife by law was next of kin so I was not able to take charge of what was happening to him. On his last day she gave me just 10 mins to be alone with him on his last day but I didn’t say goodbye because I thought he would still be there the next day but he died that night. His family told me by text. I also wasn’t invited to the funeral by the ex wife but I lit a candle for him on my own to give my respects.
I’m 44 no one around me has experienced this loss. I have applied for counselling but there is await. So I feel so alone. I can’t live in the flat we shared as it was in his name so I’m staying with an ex of mine who of course doesn’t want to here about it.
The thing is I seem to have mislaid my emotions, I miss him but I don’t feel sad or happy, I’m told I should be angry with the way I was treated but I can’t feel that either. I go through the motions each day but each day brings no joy, I do not want this life I want the one I had. I hopefully have a lot of life left but don’t know what to do with it. I hope he knows I was there at the end, I visited him each day, when the ex wasn’t there, and talked to him, hugged him, told him I loved him. Will my emotions return, I know I’m not cold but it’s like I still don’t believe it or want it to be true.