Hello, I am writing to see if others have felt like this. I lost my fiancé of 18 months 4 weeks ago. It was unexpected he had a cardiac arrest and was in a coma for 3 weeks before he died. During his coma I was told he was brain dead but may go into residential care. All the 3 weeks I still expected him to wake up, he never did, I am not sure if I understood properly or just had hope. I was his fiance but he wasn’t quite divorced yet so his ex wife by law was next of kin so I was not able to take charge of what was happening to him. On his last day she gave me just 10 mins to be alone with him on his last day but I didn’t say goodbye because I thought he would still be there the next day but he died that night. His family told me by text. I also wasn’t invited to the funeral by the ex wife but I lit a candle for him on my own to give my respects.
I’m 44 no one around me has experienced this loss. I have applied for counselling but there is await. So I feel so alone. I can’t live in the flat we shared as it was in his name so I’m staying with an ex of mine who of course doesn’t want to here about it.
The thing is I seem to have mislaid my emotions, I miss him but I don’t feel sad or happy, I’m told I should be angry with the way I was treated but I can’t feel that either. I go through the motions each day but each day brings no joy, I do not want this life I want the one I had. I hopefully have a lot of life left but don’t know what to do with it. I hope he knows I was there at the end, I visited him each day, when the ex wasn’t there, and talked to him, hugged him, told him I loved him. Will my emotions return, I know I’m not cold but it’s like I still don’t believe it or want it to be true.
hi Rosie
Everyone reacts differently , Not sure theres any rights or wrongs ,especially with emotions.Sorry for your loss.I myself was devastated when my partner of 28 years passed .And it was 10 months ago it feels as bad as ever.as regards bereavement counselling, its usually offered after a few months or so.And you situation heighlights the laws and its flaws.Still married or not if you were living as man and wife,why shouldn’t the person closest be able have control of arranging a funeral etc.Iknow in terms of length of relationship yours was in its earlier stages,hopefully you will get much need help and open up to someone and release the emotions,then again the way you are dealing with the loss might be just how you are.nothing wrong with that.sorry im no real help really.
regards
ian
You were some help Ian, I get the feeling that it hit may hit me like a tidal wave at some point. I’m going to the flat we shared tomorrow to clear it, maybe then the loss will be brought home more as at the moment I have nothing to remind me of him.
The love you have for them doesn’t seem to die when they do. I don’t think it ever will.
Thank you
glad ive helped a little,good luck at the flat you shared.we had a house we lived in and a flat Jayne used to stop in when working in Milton Keynes.probably because of how far away from our home in Cheshire,i wasn’t questioned or stopped from arranging to go and empty the things of Jaynes and mine from the flat.Just make sure you take everything you can carry ,you can always let things go once you decide what youed really like to keep.
regards
ian
Thank you, I’m going to, then sort through it in my own time. The coffee table he made, I don’t need it but I would like to think he’s happy I’m using it. His ex wants to give his things to charity but I’m going to take what I can before she does. Memories are valuable.
Hi Rosie.
1st off my condolences to you, its never easy to loose someone especially the person you were planning your life with. I lost my fiancee about 19months ago.
Family are strange things, they will suddenly close ranks when the shit hits the fan and then open up, my fiancee family weren’t as bad as his sound but I did have to make my presence felt, it wasn’t personal, it was just the way the family was.
I’d love to say it gets easier, in truth it will take a long long time for you have now joined a particular club that no one wants to be in and I find that being a grieving fiance is possibly different then say a grieving husband because we never got to live the life we planned.
One thing I will say is that you have to do what’s right for you and if that means going against the family then so be it. I listen to her family and took their wishes onboard but I did my own thing for no one owns a person and everyone’s grief is different.
If you want to message me feel free
It is a loss of what could have been. I have to now get myself a new home and I just miss the thought we should have been doing this together.
The family have improved mainly I think because I didn’t run away when things got bad. I stuck by him till the end, I wouldn’t have done anything else but I guess they weren’t sure. It’s just a shame they didn’t do this when needed most.
It’s lonely and the memories hurt. I can’t think I will ever meet anyone who appreciated my weirdness, humour more than him.
I will get through this but it’s the hardest thing I think anyone has to go through. It helps to know I’m not alone in the grief on this site.