Lost my fiancé, such a complicated grief.

[Shazza13]

Two and a half years ago my world collapsed when my long term partner/fiancé passed away suddenly due to struggling with long term depression.

Coming to terms with his decision, to leave this world and his pain behind, has been immensely difficult. For months I was in complete shock and was signed off work. To compound the situation, I was no longer able to stay in the home that we shared as it was too traumatic to be there. Not only had I lost the love of my life, I had lost my home and then had to rehome our beloved cat. To make matters worse, our cat died suddenly 6 months later. The grief I felt at the time was unbareable but finding support through a local charity helped me get through those early months. I found people who understood complicated grief and they proved my lifeline. When Covid hit, it compounded everything again as I found my self living alone for the first time in 17 years and constantly blamed myself and kept asking the questions why?? I had more time to think about what had happened and seemed to fall into a situational depression. Being able to return to work and reconnecting with my support network has helped and days are a little brighter. Christmas has been tough to get through as my partner’s birthday was Christmas day. The day has now passed and I look to the new year, with different ways to keep his memory alive and to continue to do the things that we both loved doing.
Thank you for reading my long post.
Sharon xxx

[Kim5]

So sorry for your loss it’s very hard I’m 9 months in lost my husband to cancer. Don’t know how we get through it especially with lockdown after lockdown it’s a struggle take care x

[Christie]

Hi @Shazza13

Congratulations for managing to get thru’ 30 months of what is the most difficult bereavement that anyone can have (barring the loss of a child, perhaps). I hope you asked the team who were supposed to be helping him what happened???

COVID has been difficult for all of us. I lost my husband in September. The first lockdown was blissfully happy, the second one is a nightmare. People who do these things invariably feel that they are utterly useless and the world and everyone in it would be a better place without them. If only they knew the devastation they leave in their wake…

Christmas must have been sheer hell for you. But, as you say, it is another hurdle you have managed to scramble over, even if both the hurdle and you collapsed.

It’s heartening to know that you have re-connected with your support network. So I wish you all the very best for 2021. Things can only get better, as somebody - Wham? - sang. You have been so very brave, you deserve some really good things to come to you.

Christie xxx

[Shazza13]

Dear @Christie,

Thank you so much for your wonderful, kind words. My heart goes out to you too as your loss is so recent.
As you have said, the devistation that is left behind is immense but some how those of us who are left behind manage to go on… goodness how, I don’t know. Basic survival I guess, which is completely opposite to what Matthew was thinking/feeling. It was a relapse after being under a NHS trust and a return to the GP for help as he knew he was struggling again. For a long time my anger was directed at the GP for not listening to me. I questioned the medication its self and had it made him worse?? He had also refused more help and did not want another hospital stay.

For months, all the questions tortured me but I’ve resigned to the fact that there will never be a difinitive answer. I’m now trying my best to rebuild a life of some sorts but so reluctant to let others in, as I fear more loss and pain. Its just so tough and a lonely road to travel.

Sharon xxx