I was with my fiancée for 12 years ( since I was 18 he was 22). We had our ups and downs but we had finally in our 30’s gotten it together. We were engaged this year and planning an elopement wedding in December during our favourite time of the year ( Christmas). We lived together and enjoyed each other’s company, we were already a married couple. He was my rock, my life line, my best friend & my world. I realized soon after we had finally figured it out and wanted to start our next steps. My fiancée had a drinking problem for a few years and I thought it was under control in more recent years, however I am now being told by the grief counselor that he was a substance issue. He was working and functioning but he couldn’t not just have 1 drink or if he did it was excessive. On June 20th we went out for drinks for a birthday, he had way too much to drink and my friend kept enticing him to keep drinking more. I was the DD and was becoming extremely frustrated with the fact of how much everyone was drinking. My fiancée ( Kase) invited everyone back to our house which was frustrating but I just decided I’m not going to argue I want to go home. He was taking care of one of his friends who was also intoxicated. My fiancée went down the stairs to get him a shirt and slipped and fell. He ended up bleeding from his head and he was rushed immediately to ER. The next 3 days were the worst days of my life. First day he was unconscious but still able to breathe, overnight at ICU he progressively got worse. The following day they said they think he is brain dead as he is unresponsive. On the third day they declared him with brain death, which for them means he is dead. I had 3 days to digest this. It has been like I’m in a nightmare and I can’t wake up from it. I actually pinched myself because I couldn’t believe it was real. We ended up agreeing for him to be an organ donor and he ended up saving 7 peoples lives. It was remarkable. However at the cost of losing my love of my life. We were starting our lives now and I feel like I’ve been robbed. Mornings are the worst because I wake up and for a split second I think it was a nightmare. It’s only been 2 weeks but these have been the longest 2 weeks of my life. I go from anger to sadness immediately. Any advice would be so helpful because I don’t know anyone who has gone through this and I just feel so alone and helpless.
Hi Tash,
It is very sad to read about what has happened in your life. You were with him your entire adult life, and were in the midst of settling down for the future, when this tragic event happened, and now all your plans are in tatters.
Grief varies greatly from person to person, and no one knows how you will be coping in a few months. Some people are able to recover quite well from such devastating events, and others are not, and are in pain for years, even a lifetime.
You might start to feel isolated after a few months, when a lot of people in your life now expect you to be over the worst and starting your new life, and your grief might even get worse. This is quite common. What might be a good idea is to book yourself an appointment with Cruse or Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Service, because there is a waiting list, and so if you book an appointment now, you might get seen in a few months when you might be at your worst.
In the meantime, please keep posting here and you will find people who will always listen to you talk about your grief.
Dear Tash,
I am so sorry that you are suffering this heart ache and grief, it is truly horrific what happened to your beloved Kase. I wish that I could offer you words of comfort, it is so recent that you started with this grief and it is all consuming, I know this for a fact. It will be 12 months next month since I felt that my world had fallen apart, all I can suggest is that you continue to post your thoughts and your heart break, here on this forum. I am an old lady, 81 next month, I was very lucky that I had 59 years with my husband, I loved him very much.
I am so glad that you have joined this group of people, they are absolutely wonderful, full of compassion and understanding, All of us are bereaved and are here to support each other,
Blessings,
MaryL.
Hi Tash, I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your fiancee at such a young age, and in such a shocking way. It is extremely early days for you and it is understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed and your emotions are all over the place. The advice we often see shared is to be kind to yourself and try to take things day by day or even hour by hour if necessary.
I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and I hope that it helps even a tiny bit to be able to talk to others who understand some of what you are going through. Although many of the users on this site are older than you, there are some others who have lost partners at a young age. For example, @Nuran also lost her husband in his 30s.
The BEAD (Bereaved Through Alcohol and Drugs) website also has some support and information you might find helpful.
Thank you Priscilla. I really appreciate the support, advice and the kind words! I’m feeling just absolutely so alone and lost right now. This is all become so much and I just am trying to take it day by day. Losing my life partner of 12 years is such a hard pill to swallow. I go through moments where I wish roles were reversed so that he could feel the pain and I passed. The pain esp the agonizing pain is absolutely unbearable.
Thank you so much Mary, I know I will have a long hard journey ahead. It’s hard for those who haven’t experienced this kind of loss to feel this pain and sadness I’m currently feeling. Everyone who hasn’t gone through this just can’t really say anything to ease my mind in a sense. I really appreciate all the support already. Thank you so much
Tash
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I lost my husband on 1st June completely out of the blue to a massive heart attack I’m 49 he was just 52. I have had fantastic support from the people on these forums keep posting if you need to talk. I would also recommend WAY https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/.
They are a support group for anyone who has experienced the loss of a partner before their 51st birthday they have been a real lifeline for me.
Take care
Jennie xxxx
wow this is just terrible for you …my goodness the horrific pain you must be feeling. i jndetstand because im having traumatic time too ive lost my husband of 35 years and we met in childhood but married years later he had a brain bleed and slowly died over a few weeks was aweful deteriorated and they said he took turn for worst and became brain dead …its been a total nightmare for me …my life is over …i dont know how im gonna live on . this community is helping though love and thanks to you allxx