I’ve never posted on here but reading some people’s comments has been really helpful.
I’m Matt, 26 and mostly known as being very positive. In June of this year my grandad (previously perfect health) had a heart attack. My parents were ok holiday so I needed up at the hospital that nights. His wife, my grandma has late dementia so we have to look after her too. Unfortunately grandad’s health didn’t come back and over the course of the next four months he suffered multiple infections, sepsis, strokes and passed away in October. I was there the whole way and would often visit the hospital 4-5 times a week. He made it home with careers for a month and I would look after him, with my mum, inbetween their visits. I was heavily involved in his care in his final few months.
During this time, my grandma unfortunately had to go into a care home as she was not safe at home and we couldn’t look after her ( we tried our best but it broke us). She also suffered some half issues during this time including sepsis so it has been a wild ride of losing a grandparent physically and loosing another one mentally.
It’s only starting to hit me and over the last few weeks I’m replaying everything in my head. I was there when my grandad passed which I’m very thankful for but he unfortunately didn’t have a peaceful time in his final few days and it was painful to see. I wake up in the night panicking over dreams of him taking his last breath.
It’s really affecting me and I’ve been diagnosed with depression and it’s heightened anxiety, something I suffered with before he took ill. I’m currently on propranolol for the anxiety and worried I’ll eventually need to go on antidepressants (I’m very health/side affect conscious so I’m looking to avoid this).
I’ve lost all confidence, given up running, ruining the relationships I have and I find it really hard to open up so those closest to me think I’m fine/dealing with it great. My grandma with dementia has forgotten his death so we always get asked “what is he doing?” And it’s harder every time to lie.
I just don’t know where to turn or what to do. I’m not sleeping and it’s just getting worse and worse and I’m worried it will end me aswell. This is the first time I’ve lost someone close to me so it’s my first time going through grief.
Sorry for such a long message, I hope you’re okay too x