Lost my hero

On 1st Sept I was getting ready to go back to work for a new term at school and had that phonecall just as I was about to leave. My dad, my hero had died during the night.
He had 2nd stage dementia, had just moved into a care home and was isolating due to covid.
He lived in Spain and although I had spoken to him practically every week, over the past year that got less and less as he had a tendency to pull his phone line out. I hadn’t physically seen my dad in 7 years due to various reasons.
Due to covid and rules in Spain, he was cremated at 9am the next day. I lit a candle, sat looking at his pics and listened to some of his music he used to play on our various summer trips to Spain. After my little private moment saying goodbye, I felt strangely at peace.
On the Thursday, I went back to work not knowing how I felt. The following week was me working then coming home and having various conversations with his power of attorney, then relaying the information back to my brothers. The following Thursday, I got into work feeling tired and out of sorts and lasted an hour before I cried. I ended up coming home and spent the majority of the next 4 days crying, feeling worn out, sad and lost. The last couple of days have been strange as, although I am sad and feel lost, I haven’t cried but feel anxious and empty. Today I have woke up and feel empty. I feel like I have had a weird fuzzy head ever since he passed kind of like a headache but a dull one. Part of me feels like now I am not crying I should be over it and back to normal, but then little things make me tearful. I am getting anxious over small things and don’t feel like doing anything.
Just wanted to talk to people as I feel like I need to get it off my chest. I feel as though if I speak to my brothers about it, I am making them feel sad. My other half keeps on asking if I am ok but I’m getting frustrated at the constant asking even though I know he is doing it as he cares about me.

Hi @Pbod77, sorry for your loss.
These are difficult times, don’t think just because there are no tears your are effectively over it & everything should go back to normal. Grief is different to everyone, as I’m learning. These past couple of weeks I haven’t cried as much but I still feel the loss & still can’t quite believe it’s happened. There are days were you feel lost, but with good support we can get through these.

You mentioned your brothers, I’ve found with mine he doesn’t like to talk how he feels but I know he has moments were he has to spend time on his own with his thoughts. Could you perhaps talk to them how your feeling as it sounds like you are also the one sorting everything out.

Take care x

Thanks @Ham76. I haven’t experienced loss like this before. My mom passed away over 15 years ago and I cant remember it feeling this painful.
I have passed some of the responsibilities onto my brothers as got to the stage where I felt like I couldn’t cope. I think that’s when I felt like I fell apart.
I guess my head is trying to make sense of everything. I am focusing on myself right now and taking it one day at a time. I didn’t think it would affect me in such a big way.

Take care

I’m not too sure we ever think it will effect it was it does. Good to hear you’ve passed things on & I hope it helps you in terms of looking out for yourself and feeling less stressed with it all x