Lost my husband 3 weeks ago

I was only with him for 3 short years but we lived a life time in those years. We found each other in our 40s, he took my children on and lived together, holidayed together and we were inseperable, had shared hobbies and we worked so well as a team. He was my soul mate.

He had cancer but was not diagnosed until 3 weeks before he died after a short 4 month illness where he rapidly declined. He was so fit and active, never smoke or drank and yet he died of metastasic colon cancer with metastis in his liver lungs and kidneys.

That last week was awful, we married in hospital Chapel and that was absolutely beautiful, the hospital went above and beyond make our day special, i work in the same place and a lot of my colleagues were there standing outside too with tears and smiles. But when me and Andy saw each other we both cried and cried hugging each other at the alter in joy and heartbreak.
He was so ill and in a wheelchair and on a drip
He moved into a hospice 6 days later and then passed on the 8th July.

I feel so awful without him, I also feel as if I shouldn’t be grieving for him so deeply because I only had 3 years with him. My mother said to me I’d be alright in a couple of weeks as its not like i was with him decades like she was with my dad.

So I’ve stopped trying to grieve as much in front of others, maybe she’s right and thats what people think but I am in bits. I miss him so much. My kids miss him too. He was only 50 and im 44. I feel robbed of a lifetime of memories with him, our future together, all mapped out

Sorry for rambling I feel pretty low today

2 Likes

The length of a relationship means nothing, absolutely nothing.

What does matter is how close you were.

You can be married for 50 years but not be very close.

You should be very proud of yourself that you were there for him in his hour of need and his life ended knowing true committed love.

Of course your devastated, you loved him.

I remember reading a quote “the depth of your grieve is the depth of your love”.

6 Likes

Dear ghostmouse44

I am so so sorry for your loss it’s the most shocking thing to go through losing your life partner .

It doesn’t matter if it was 3 years or 30 years you guys loved each other snd it was real . What a lovely thing to do getting married in the chapel it sounds really beautiful. Please don’t listen to other people’s option of what you should be doing you need to grieve for your husband and the life you were robbed of . There’s no time limit on any of it snd everyone is different. I’ve never heard of anyone getting over it in 2 weeks . Just take it hour by hour or less whatever you need to do .
Please take care of yourself and keep posting on here everyone is going through the sane thing
Sending you hugs

1 Like

I didn’t leave his side the week before he died. I never went home at night, the hospital gave us a side room and I spent every night with him on 2 chairs pushed together, our wedding night I spent helping him wash and toilet and cuddling each other. He was so scared but I was there for him until the very end and I’ll never forget it.
I’m so empty, I have my 4 beautiful children and my granddaughter around me.

My 3 girls are 18 14 11 and live with me And my son comes to visit but they are grieving too, they loved him too. He was a lovely kind and hardworking man. I knew him a few years prior to us going out together.

I just don’t how ill ever return to work. I could potentially have to work on the very ward where he was and walk past the Chapel every day. I really don’t think I can do it.

1 Like

Dear ghostmous344

Push aside thoughts of work at present that can wait. You have lost the love of your life and stood strong for him throughout. Regardless of the time you are together it is the strength and depth of that love that matters. Ignore others comments and viewpoints - including your mother’s - all that matters is how you feel.

I understand your feelings of being robbed of future memories and future. I have no answers to be honest. I was due to retire at Xmas only for my husband to be killed in a RTA in the September. But please just take your time and also speak with your employer when you are ready.

Take care of yourself and your children. Thinking of you.

I feel for you and How true I re met Tony and we was together for 1 year but 1 year in COVID life was like 4 years in normal
Life , I met him first when I was 14 we was together 3 months, then again at 60 both sfter 2 failed marriages we idolized each other and made plans and then he was taken from me by a heart attack, our love was so deep I’ve never known love like it ,
He sent me the song in my life by the Beatles and the Elgin’s heaven must have sent you the night before he died xx

2 Likes

i feel your pain i lossed my husband for 5day we got married at home he was in bed to ill to get up we had been together for34 years before hand but it dose not matter how long you have been together if you love some one it still love your was still very young love so it may be harder to come to terms with because you have so much to look forward to you think what would he say to you richard would have said to me life is for living so do it for us both

1 Like

Oh my lord I feel your.pain our stories are so simular, baby steps take one day at a time and baby steps but please don’t hide your grief and its your grief not anyone elses so only you can experience it any way you like and you can feel the way you need to feel.
Grief and tears are not.message in time scales. I posted some great booked which I found this evening and if u want to message me direct please do.
Di

1 Like

Thankyou

We are all hurting and feeling so lost xx

it is so hard like i said to the other lady i found to picture of richard on his side of the bed and a long pillow at lease you can hug the pillow and cry and scream

1 Like

Thankyou I’m not sure how to direct message

it dose not matter how long you are together it is still love it is hard sometime has you are still in ture love /young love you take all the time you need as it will only come bareable when you can except he has gone

It’s been 4 months since I lost my wife of 38 years. I find it more unbearable each day. I still wake up expecting her to be in bed next to me. It’s a shock every morning when she’s not there.
How do you get to the stage of processing it. It’s only when I accept it’s happened and she’s not coming back that I can start to move forward. Its 4 months ago but it still seems like yesterday.
People don’t realise what we’re all going through. I know friends think I should be dealing with it by now. They haven’t a clue. I didn’t have a clue these feelings existed.
Thanks care everyone, I hope tomorrow’s a better day.

1 Like

My heart goes out to you. I lost my partner of 19 years in late July. Sandra was diagnosed with MDS after feeling chronic fatigue for a couple of months.
Everything was going so well until the awful phone call saying that she was short of breath and had been transferred to ICU in an induced coma.
Sandra never came round and passed away in my arms nine days later.
The haematology consultant told me that he had only ever seen this type of case four times previously in twenty six years…in short he had no answer as to how Sandra went from zero to a million miles an hour in the blink of an eye; I had only spoken to her by phone a couple of hours previously.

Since that day I have been asking questions to myself…Why? What happened? Should I have agreed with Sandra when she suggested that she rings the ward to refuse treatment? Then there’s Covid… would things have been different if I had been able to see regularly?

I know that there’s no real answer to these but it’s part of the grieving process to beat myself up.
As for you questioning yourself for grieving so deeply because you’d “only” been together for three years; what difference does that make? You loved each other, you shared your home, you shared your happy times and no doubt you had the occasional falling out; but that’s just the ups and downs of life!

Please don’t stop grieving in front of others. I talk about Sandra all of the time. It wasn’t until her funeral service that I realised how well loved and respected that she was. I don’t like to refer to Sandra in the past tense so I refer to her as if she’s still by my side.

Last night I found the letter for Sandra’s admission to hospital and it brought on the biggest meltdown since her funeral.
Once again the fear of loneliness, fear, confusion and anger…the anger of feeling robbed of our future together, the anger that Covid played it’s part in robbing us of precious time together and the guilt of “feeling sorry for myself”.

You mention that you got married in hospital…this was especially poignant for me as I’d asked Sandra to marry me over speaker phone whilst she was deeply unconscious in ICU.
Whilst we never achieved our wedding I am so happy that that you had such a wonderful day and fulfilled your dreams of marrying the man that you where so proud of.

Wishing you well. X

3 Likes
Back to top