Lost my husband of 23 years last week

[RaEun]

Hi Everyone

I am new here

I lost my husband of 23 years last week.

I feel lost, numb and empty.

I cant stop crying

I cant think well, there are so many things to sort.

I cant cope

[Brandon1]

Dear RaEun I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I hope you have support from friends and family. These early days are very hard to get through, it’s really a matter of looking after yourself eating and drinking while trying to get through each hour. Take whatever help you are offered. If you are desperate and can’t see away through it’s important to call for help using emergency numbers. This site is a great help to me as everyone understands the pain of a bereavement. When my wife died on Christmas day I was devastated the pain was unbearable but bit by bit it does get better.
Thinking of you and sending hugs

Wishing you all the best Tom

[JoJo15]

@RaEun I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner 3wks ago & all I can do is cry too. You’ve lost your best friend, so let yourself grieve any way you need to. I hope you’ve got a lot of support around you and help with everything that needs to be done

[Norma1]

Hi I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s normal to feel confused and overwhelmed following a bereavement especially that of a partner. I hope you have good family or friend support. If you do have people don’t be afraid to ask them to help you with funeral arrangements, registration of the death etc. keep a note book and write down telephone numbers, dates and other important notes. There’s a woman who still posts on the site , she said she kept a tray in the kitchen and placed keys, glasses, wallet and anything else important so it didn’t get lost. Speaking from experience it’s a good idea. I couldn’t find anything.

It’s almost a year now since my partner died suddenly and in the early months my memory was terrible, I couldn’t remember conversations, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate and was overwhelmed by everything. The brain fog began lifting by month three but I still get overwhelmed easily and try to avoid stressors.

It takes a long time too work through grief and it’s a rocky path you’re on. I wish I could say that it gets better, unfortunately it just gets more manageable. Take care.

[Jeanclaire]

Dear raeun

I’m so sorry for your loss

I lost my husband 2 months ago and I know how your feeling it’s the most devastating loss, i never thought it would get easier but it does, I’m just starting to come to terms with it and it’s early day’s for me but if you need to go and see your gp they will be able to help you or just to put your feelings on here is very comforting i think it saved me from going down into despair, everyone here supports each other they are a wonderful group of people in different stages of grief. But please just keep going it really does get better, we do learn to live with it and cherish our memories

Sending you hugs jean​

[Anita_66]

Dear @RaEun

I am so sorry for your loss. You must be in unbearable pain!!
I lost my husband of 35 yrs 7 months ago and the first couple of months were the most difficult horrible time in my life. Please try to eat something every day, drink plenty of water, if you are not sleeping you might want go see your GP so they can give you something to help you.

As your brain allows you, try to write down what you have to do and try – if you can – to do ONE thing per day. And eventually things will start getting sorted.

If you need advice on practical things am sure people here will be able to give good suggestions.

This forum has been a life saver for me, there are lots of nice people who understand. I cannot promise you that the grief and pain will lift anytime soon, they haven’t at least for me, but the horrible torture of the first few months has eased aand slowly I started having moments of calm in my day. I hope you can soon start having those moments of peace in the midts of this intense unbearable pain.

Am sending you a big hug

[Tray2]

@RaEun I’m so sorry to hear this. . You are among people who absolutely understand . I hope that you have support in real life, but you’ll definitely receive it on here too

[Victoria59]

I’m so sorry for your loss xx

I lost my mam in June. I lived with her almost all my life and cared for her for many years due to physical disability and then illness. The gap she left when she passed has been awful for me. I still cry every day and still can’t cope with going out and talking to people. I limit my outside time and try to spend most of it at home where I feel safer. Memories of my mam are in every room in the house and that is a comfort to me.
You do feel lost, numb and empty, especially at the start when everyone is asking you to organise things. I’m an only child and my dad passed many years ago, so less than two days after I lost my mam I was organising the funeral, having to advise certain places that she’d passed and getting together all the paperwork etc I was be asked for. It was a nightmare and all I wanted to do was sit down and grieve losing her.
You will cope, because you have to. I had to make sure that I honoured my mam by making sure her goodbye was loving and respectful, but I’m finding a few months down the line that it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. I’m not sleeping well, I can’t think straight, I feel depressed and generally unwell. From what I’ve read hear, it’s all part of the process. Your GP is a good place to start if you feel you need help or someone to talk to.
The best advice I can give you is to be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. I was taking it one hour at a time to start with. Just do what you feel you need to to get through each day.

[Zani]

Hi RaEun. I’m sorry for your loss, its been almost a month since i lost my wife and i still feel like i’m living in a tradegy. I too feel overwhelmed, and the hardest part, the funeral has now passed. I’m crying less than i was but still a lot. It will help you enormously if you have family or friends to visit and help out. I know how bad this time is. Tell us more if you wish.

[RaEun]

Thank you everyone for your advises and support

My late husband was in hospital for 9 days. For that 9 days I was with him 20 hours a day. I slept on the recliner chair and checked him every hour. I only needed to go home to check on my pets.

Out of this 9 days, the 7 days were pure mental torture to me. I am a nurse and seen him suffered in pain despite of the pain killers, I felt so helpless that I cant manage my own husband. Thankfully the ward nurses heed my requests to do top up pain relief. He died on Tuesday 15/9/26 at 4 am and I was there

I received the call from the medical examiner kn 17/9 and made the appointment with the registrar 22/9 to get the medical certificate and green form. Another appointment with the funeral director 23/9, completed the paperwork and gave the green form.

Now im waiting for the cremation- no schedule date yet but I was told within 2 weeks

My sleep is very much interrupted and I wake up every morning with a picture of my late husbands suffering in pain- i call it the days of mental torture in hell

my GP gave me something to sleep yesterday.

I have so many things to do still but I have planned to do small things weekly for now

I am currently on sick leave and not ready to see any hospital for now. Time will tell

I will try to start a mini routine tomorrow and see if it works

[Tray2]

Sending love

[Brandon1]

Dear RaEun I am sorry to hear your suffering I think it can help to change the image that comes to your mind for one that makes you smile. It may take time some people need a physical photo but bit by bit you will be able to stop those mental pictures from controlling you. I think we all have these images to a certain extent but for those who have suffered with great pain it’s worse. I hope you find the strength you need to get through these very difficult days
Thinking of you and sending hugs

Wishing you all the best Tom

[Zani]

My heart goes out to you. Its a tragic time. My wife died a month ago and it still hurts like crazy. My advice would be to try to draw in as many people as you can, they will be a source of comfort and help.

[gemswinc]

@RaEun So sorry you are going through this. It is a blessing that you were with your husband when he passed, and you did everything you could. Still, very traumatic for you, and I am glad the gp is helping.

Mornings are the worst, most here suffer from anxious mornings, improving in the afternoon. I think your plan of little by little and finding a routine is wise.

This forum has been a lifesaver for me. I lost my husband 9 years ago, I regret I wasn’t with him when he died. I am here now, because my boyfriend died in may..

I wish you peace! Rest well Cindy

[RaEun]

Hi

I tried to do a mini routine yesterday but felt too tired and exhausted, instead slept until 12 midday

I tried to do my household chores yesterday afternoon but I was too slow, cant finish anything.

I have been crying and this emptiness is so painful

I did put a photo of my husband by my bedside, hopefully this will help with my traumatic hospital experience.

Today, I will try to finish my household chores.

I booked a Thai massage tomorrow and a hair cut on tuesday so I can get out of my house

I have been listening to music -chinese music so that I cant understand a single word of it. This will help me not to cry.

I have been eating but it seems the food is tasteless, even the fruits are tasteless

My sleep is so disturbed, I wake up every 2 hours despite of a sleeping tablet

Im taking one day at a time

I am scared but I will try to be brave

Thank you for your support. I find your advises very helpful

[Brandon1]

Dear RaEun you are doing really well to get through the day and try to do things. If you can’t manage much at least you have tried. The idea of a massage sounds good I hope it releases some of the tension and maybe allows you to sleep better. Trying to change the images of the last days with a happier image of your loved one will take time but one day you’ll realise it’s not the first thing that comes to mind and eventually it will become a more distant memory.
Thinking of you and sending hugs

Wishing you all the best Tom

[Duk45]

So sorry to hear of your loss I lost my beloved 2years and 8 months ago I know what your going through please look after yourself and I hope you have friends and family to help you through it. I know it’s hard and the pain of grief is unbearable at times I still cry a lot of times and I miss my beloved so much . Take care.

[gemswinc]

@RaEun Hi! I totally understand about the music, Chinese is an interesting thought!

Household chores are not emergent though keeping yourself and your living space in some order, I think is important

A massage is a great idea, I have thought to do that, but recently have not.

I also wake up, I call it medieval sleep, first sleep and second sleep. As long as you eventually get enough sleep, you should be OK. I have a prescription too & use History for Sleep on YouTube as do others here.

There is nothing much to do about the emptiness, except to eventually build something in its place, not easy.

I hope you are resting peacefully and sending strength for tomorrow! Cindy

[RaEun]

I survived today

Still got a lot of unfinished household chores, started decluttering kitchen items that are excess to my requirements.

Incleaned my kitchen cupboards, did the laundry as it was sunny

Had a Thai massage which helped a bit

Got home, fell asleep for 3 hours as feeling too tired

Woke up with silence in my house, found it painful with no one to talk to about how my day was

My dogs gave me some comfort, although I can sense they were not their normal boisterous wolves. But my furry pets hive me comfort.

I am not that religious but I sensed my husband visited last night around 1 am, as I can smell him and his perfume in the bedroom, hallway and sitting room. I did talk to him, maybe my imagination but the perfume smell was strong and I can smell his scent. Perhaps he was checking on me. I will light a candle this Sunday for him.

Tonight, I am cooking veggies, not too exciting

I will need to google how to check the gas meter. I dont normally deal with this but google might help

Thank you all

I am taking one day at a time

Too difficult I am crying just writing this.

[gemswinc]

@RaEun You are doing really well, I am impressed!

It does help to tell your day here, I know it helps me, as there is no one else to tell!

I am glad you felt your husband’s presence. He is still nearby.

And yes, Google and Youtube offer great advice for the perplexed!

I got tires for my car today, walked, shopped, went for coffee and started cleaning my yard from the storm.

I hope you are having a peaceful rest!
Cindy