It all started with a mole on his back in 2016, this was removed but metastasised to his brain, lungs, liver, spleen and bones. It was so far gone that there was no treatment and he was given a couple of months. As it was he died on March 6 less than 2 weeks after his prognosis.
In those 2 weeks he lost his ability to speak and walk and he started to have seizures. It didn’t affect his thought process, he knew what was going on he just couldn’t say anything.
For his sake I’m glad he died quickly as he would have hated what he became but for me it was too quick, I didn’t get a chance to come to terms with the fact that I was going to lose him.
He died 2 days after our 50th wedding anniversary, I think he held on so he could be with me for that. We were married when I was 18 and he was 21 and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve cleaned the house until I’m absolutely worn out but I still can’t rest. I feel like one of those hamsters running on a wheel and getting nowhere.
I have little support as my family live far away and we never had many friends. Does it ever get any better?
Hello Ashtrees. I’m sorry, it’s heart-breaking isn’t it. I lost my Husband in 2016 to a heart issue. A day after my 51st birthday. How do you make sense of what doesn’t make sense at all. It’s still hard because as time goes on you tend to have to live with the pain silently as people assume we are managing much better. I understand what you mean about not knowing what to do with yourself, it’s not a nice feeling at all is it. All we can do is just “be” and hope at some point we see some peace through the turmoil. Keep going as best you can. Tina.
Hello!
I am so very sorry that you have lost your husband but perhaps posting on this site and reading other posts will help you just a little because we all understand here.
You ask if it will ever get better? I am the same age as you and lost my soulmate in June 2016 after twenty years of complete togetherness. I am not sure if I feel “better” but I have somehow survived all the battering which grief throws at us and I am in a calmer place now. That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss Barry with every fibre of my being, I still have moments when the tears won’t stop and there isn’t a second when I don’t think about him but, instead of being physically next to me, he resides inside my heart and head! Life has changed and I am learning to be alone (my family live in London and I seldom see them) although, like you, my dogs are my comfort. I try not to think about the future but just to live each day as it unfolds. It is not what I would ever have chosen but it is as it is and in spite of all the pain and turmoil I am so very grateful that Barry and I met and shared our lives.
Unfortunately, you are in the very early stages of living without your husband and
there are no easy answers; perhaps the new online bereavement counselling service offered here might be a first step for you.
I wish I could be more positive but there are no easy answers and each of us copes in our own unique way…I believe that we somehow grow into our new existence and that life takes us with it almost in spite of ourselves so please don’t give up.
Take care xx
Hi,
Thanks for the words of encouragement, I’m at the guilty stage at the moment thinking whether I could have done more to make him comfortable before he died. I had no home help and I know I did my best for him but I just keep thinking whether I could have done more!!
Dave died peacefully at home and hat plays through my head day and night, just watching him die although I know he would have been happy that I was by his side at the end.
Anyway, another day to get through is facing me.
Hi,
Thank you for your words what you say is so true, it is what it is. I know that Dave would not want me to be this grief stricken but I also know if it was the other way round and I had gone first he would be exactly the same.
We were together for so long we knew what each other was thinking and could virtually finish each other’s sentences. I think it’s the quiet that’s the worst as Dave was a real chatterbox. I have tried the radio but it just gets on my nerves.
Yes my dogs are a comfort, they seem to know I’m unhappy and are forever snuggling up to me, they lick my face when I cry. Funny thing is they still “look” for Dave.
I do take consolation in the fact that Dave died at home with me which is exactly where he wanted to be at the end. I had to fight tooth and nail to get him out of hospital but I managed it and we were together when he went.
As you say each us us has our own coping strategy and I’m looking for mine but it may take a while.
Thanks
Linda
I understand completely about the “guilty” stage as the same thoughts are with me also, even now. I tried counselling but the sessions were cancelled as the counsellor didn’t think I was in a fit enough state to carry on. Its
enough to grieve without the second-guessing monster taking up residence in your heart and mind. It’s such a hard place to be in, I know. If truth be told, I expect many more feel the same. The undeniable fact is that you were together at the very, very sad time and as you rightfully say, he would have been happy about that. It’s a bit of comfort in a terribly distressing situation. You are left with no painful regrets on that front. Weekends seem extra hard, at least for me. My Husband was 71 and had always been fit, young at heart and appreciative of life. I hope today is kind on us both. Sending you compassionate thoughts.
Hi,
I’m not sure that for me at least, the weekend is any worse than any other day of the week. My Dave was 72 when he died and, like your lovely husband he was very appreciative of the life we had together. He liked nothing better than us taking our dogs out for a walk or for a day at the seaside.
I still talk to him sometimes in my head and sometimes out loud, it relieves the pressure in my heart which I think is going to burst sometimes.
Neither of us really have anything to feel guilty about, my head does tell me this. I did everything in my power to make Dave’s journey as painless and easy as possible and I’m sure you did the same for your husband. Hopefully time will ease the feeling.
Good wishes to you