Lost my husband of thirty years

I would like to say Hello to anyone reading this and to share my experiences with you. I am grieving so deeply for the loss of my husband of thirty years, 10 weeks ago.

I am not sure how I should be feeling at this moment in time but the loneliness I am experiencing without him is like nothing I have ever felt. Every so often I have an overwhelming feeling of the reality of losing him. it comes in waves and I say to myself " oh my god, he’s dead, my husband is dead".

I just can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life without him as he was my life. I feel there is nothing else.

I am 64 years old and in good health so what I should be doing now is confusing to me. I gave up work to care for my husband as he was very ill for three years. I have no close friends as it was always myself and Ian. I do however have family, but I am unable to share my grief with them.

For me the future looks very grim without my beloved husband by my side.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Carole.

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Hello Carole,

Yes, I feel exactly this way. I lost my partner of 47 years 16 weeks ago. He died suddenly and unexpectedly.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shock of that night.
The loneliness is unbearable nobody to share a piece of news, a joke, chAt to,cool a meal for.
I’m 65 we were just starting out first year of retirement together, we just wanted to do the ordinary everyday things without rushing about.

I get overwhelmed by what’s happened and still can’t believe it.Although I had my own hobbies
He was the centre of my life and like you my whole future without him looks so grim, we had what we wanted. There is nothing I want now without him.

Friends and family aren’t always helpful at times like this, they mean well but often say things that aren’t helpful and upset me.
I’m going to a counsellor it helps some people but not others and you need to find one you feel comfortable with, you can say whatever you like to them.
Take time to grieve for Ian, don’t rush into any big decisions.
Yes, I feel like you do, I can’t and don’t want to imagine a future without him.

I wish I could help more but I never thought I’d be left alone at 65 and I’m struggling like you.
Take care of yourself.J x

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hello carole
I know exactly how you are feeling I lost my wife 7 weeks ago today unexpected she literally died in my arms
I feel my heart has been ripped out we were married 25 years and been together 30yrs
if I keep busy I get thru the day but soon as I stop I cannot control my feelings and sob my heart out
last Thursday it hit home I said to myself im never going to see linda again that crippled me

it is going to be harder on Tuesday as it would of been her birthday and also our silver wedding anniversary

life is so cruel I hope you do manage to feel a bit better in the time ahead as do I
its no fun if this is how we are going to feel forever hope it is helping chatting to people
if you are like me I can talk to strangers better than family
take care
charlie

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I feel very much the same I’m afraid. My husband of 30 years died in front of me last year suddenly , unexpectedly. I am disabled and we had always believed I would “go” first and discussed that event but not him. Now I feel that maybe me being ill had put too much of a strain on him over the years. I too feel my heart has been ripped from my chest. I can’t open my eyes in a morning knowing he won’t be there. I resent having to have carers now to do intimate things that we shared. I know I will never leave my house again or cuddle another person or take a holiday or love anyone because no one could be like him. I wouldn’t want to. The tiniest thing makes me cry floods of tears even now. I am helpless as well as lost. I have lost the half of me that gave me life.

Dear Ollie
My heart goes out to you, I am sure your lovely husband was only to happy and wanted to care for you .
My partner died suddenly and like you I’m absolutely distraught at never seeing him or being held by him again or as you say loving anyone again. My other half is missing and people just don’t understand that.
Its the little things I miss so much, sharing a piece of news, a joke, a problem.
I hope you find some comfort from this site as I do.
Lots of love to you. J x

Oh I know the pain, heartache and feeling of never ending loss and loneliness. We have lost our other half, half of us has gone and the world outside our front door doesn’t know or even care, we don’t dress in black or carry a banner saying we are in morning, I am sure it would help, instead we have to put a brave face on it and pretend to carry on. It’s very hard and the road seems never ending. There’s a poem about sea and grief, saying how at the start the sea overwhelms you but as time goes on you learn to walk back up the beach before the tide catches you, it’s that learning process we have to master so we can look to the future. It’s hard but I hope one day to I can walk back up the beach ever time. They say life is for living but only being half a person seems to say only half of me will be living, one day it will be more but I don’t expect it will be all of me. Everyone on this site feels the same which helps, we know we are not the only one. Things do get better, little by little, some days you don’t think so.
S

I too am 64 years old.my husband passed last November of cancer…feel lost and miss him

I too am 64 and my husband of 43 years died in March. He had been diagnosed with cancer nine months previous. We have been together since we were 17. I am totally lost. I miss him so much. The loneliness is unending, even if I’m surrounded by people, I’m lonely. How do we go on in the world on our own? I wish I knew the answer. When I do manage to get some sleep the first thing I think of when I wake up is how long will it be until I can go back to bed.
I feel safe and secure in the house and have no desire to venture out. I have the option of returning to work, but, I’m not able to cope with anything. Some days I cry from morning to night. I know my husband would not want me to be like this, but I can’t seem to move forward.
This site is brilliant that I can talk to others in the same position as me. Only someone going through this really understands. People do try to help but sometimes say the wrong thing. People who made promises to me at my husband’s wake have never fulfilled those promises. I go to his grave every evening, my only outing each day. I talk to him constantly. I hope we all can have some comfort and some hope for our future.

Hello Penny
When you have been with someone as long as you have you whole life disappears when they go.
My partner of 47 years died suddenly and like you i feel completely lost. Family have been kind but they have no idea of how alone I feel. A lot of things they say just upset me.
I can’t move forward because I had all I ever wanted and there is nothing I want now without him.
Talking to your husband is a lovely thing and very omforting.
I find some peace doing our favourite walks but some of them I can’t bear to go to.
Like you i haven’t seen or heard from most people since the service.
Take as much time as you need to grieve for your lovely husband.

Take care, Jx

Hello, everyone. All of your comments relate to me. My husband died just over a year ago. We had been married for 66 years so you can imagine how I must be feeling, and I sympathize with you all as I know what it is like. Friends and family have moved on, and I feel totally alone with my grief. I look forward to bedtime so that, for a few hours I can escape from the dreadful loneliness and heartache. I wish there was some magical cure but there isn’t, and we must go on making the most of what is left of lives. Our loved ones wouldn’t want us to be this unhappy but how do we do that?

Eileen xxx

Hello Carol I also lost my husband seven weeks ago I feel just as you do the loneliness is unbearable I am so so sad and I feel like my life has ended I go to bed every night and hope that I don’t wake up in the morning I just want to be with him it was so sudden he went to work all week we had sat together went to bed Saturday night I got up quite early on Sunday morning went up to the toilet a couple of hours later I just thought he was having a bit of a lay in went into the bedroom and he had passed away that is when my life ended

Dear Ann,
I am so sorry what a terrible shock, and you must still be in shock.
My partner died suddenly 17 weeks ago within 4 hours of leaving home.
I feel the same as you, I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up , like you i just want to be with him again.
I find being alone and having nobody to share a joke with, chat to, cook for just unbearable after 47 years together.
I find doing some of our favourite walks with our dog brings a little peace. Is there anything like that you used to share? It may make you feel closer to your husband.
Such sad times for so many of us.I hope you find some comfort. Jx

CaroleC

I am so sorry for your loss, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. No one can tell a person how to cope we all have our own way, I got Barrie’s old briefcase and filled it full of momentums of him. I then compiled a scrapbook with photos of our time together and all the memories we had. Barrie wouldn’t have wanted me to be unhappy but we are and nothing will alleviate that so we ride the storm with its highs and lows and eventually we hope the lows become less and the black tunnel doesn’t seem so long. The sadness is so overwhelming I know but take each minute as they come and most of all take care of yourself.

Lots of love and hugs

Chrissy

Hi Chrissy,

Thank you for your reply. There is so much grief and sadness amongst us all I feel I just want to comfort each and every one of you. I am so sorry for your loss.

I keep Ian’s ashes in my lounge along with several photos and little lights. It helps to see him every moment but I am unable to go to bed and leave this shrine I have created so I now sleep on the sofa downstairs.

Ian most definitely would not want me to be unhappy either, if it wasn’t for my dog, an eight year old cocker spaniel, this difficult time would be unimaginable. When I cry he jumps up to lick my tears he is so adorable. Its hard getting upset in front of him as I know it distresses him.

I wish you all the vey best for your future and hope like me you will learn to laugh again. Take care of yourself.

Carole. xx

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