One would have thought so. It’s just crazy that we have to fight all the time. Good luck with your fight.
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Thank you x
I am a nurse as well. Retired now though. There’s no reason you should have to go through all this. It’s ridiculous. Grieving is hard enough. The pain and agony of losing your beloved husband it’s hard enough. Where is the compassion where is the willingness to help you go through this. I’m so so sorry for your loss I lost my beloved husband in August so I understand how devastating it can be.
I am so sorry for your loss.
It is so hard.
I don’t think I am able to process and grieve properly - I have it going through my head the last conversation with the Drs blaming me and the rapid deterioration from that conversation on the Thursday to him passing on the Saturday.
I feel they have taken him from me, stolen precious time we could have had together.
I hurt so much
Oh Kel2, my heart aches for you. Everything is so raw and fresh now. DO NOT let anyone blame you. You have to know you did the very best you could. When my husband was going thru his decline with Alzheimer’s, I often thought that the people caring for him, and others in memory care have never gone thru anything like this with their beloved spouse. Oh sure I heard my grandmother went thru this or an aunt or friend. I wanted to scream. This is our precious husbands. Very very different from grandmothers, aunts and some distant friend with the disease. What is the saying “walk a mile in my shoes”—-bet they never have.
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Thank you Karetired,
I think I know I’m not to blame - but my head and heart keep jumping between knowing that and feeling guilty at the possibility it was. The what if’s. I don’t know how to come away from that, I want him back so much.
I will be making a complaint to the hospital to ensure no other family receives the same treatment.
I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been through?
And is still very raw for you too.
There are too many people who are quick to judge and also give their pennyworth on how you should grieve and what you should do. As you have said, until they have walked in your shoes.
I have already had people tell me I need to go out, meet ‘new’ people (meaning someone else) because I am still ‘young’ (45)
My world has just fallen apart. I don’t say anything now, no point.
People are trying to support you in any way they can, but only you know how you want to grieve. And you will grieve in your own way. Theres no text book on how you do this. But know that you are not alone. Have you thought about counselling? I know its still raw for you as it is for me. Im going to see my husband today. I need to speak to him. I need to say bah humbug to him.
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I really do appreciate everyone trying to support me the best way they can, and I probably am being hard in them - it just feels like they’re trying to get me to ‘move on’ way too soon. I haven’t even been able to grieve yet.
I did start counselling, my last 2 appointments were cancelled - has been rearranged for the 1st Monday in the new year.
I’m still waiting to collect my husband’s ashes, I will be keeping him home with me and the boys (really hoping I can have him home before Christmas) - I do talk to him, I have a “L’Arpie” of him in his work uniform (a L’Arpie is a hand knitted toy Peterson custom made from photos) - I have him sit next to me so I can talk to him.
I do feel I need the counselling, it is only 6 sessions through the funeral directors. Hopefully that will be enough x
Kel2. I joined this site a few days ago and I am so touched by the many feelings people have shared. I feel it is a safe place for all of us, no judging, no you should do this or that. I have had relatives tell me to stay strong, you can do this. Do what? I am not the same person anymore, and neither are you. My husband brought me strength, he was my safe place to fall. All that is gone. But coming on this site has brought me some comfort, knowing I can chat with people that truly understand, that aren’t afraid to bear their feelings. Helps me to know I am not going crazy.
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If not go to your gp and they should set something up. Ive been to see andy and my friend lola. Had a chat with them and shed quite a few tears. I told him all the news snd said bah humbug to him. Lola is gaving a pint of bitter with him in the great pub in the sky. I feel better but of course very sad.
Kel2. There is no moving on, we will journey forward, but I have learned grief will be my constant companion. I am just praying the sharp edges of the pain will eventually dull. I joined a grief group and again the comfort comes from being with people that understand, who have lost someone they loved more than life itself. Our families, friends want us to “move on” because it is hard for them to see us suffer. I haven’t and don’t intend on changing how I am grieving for anyone. I don’t need anyone to “fix” what I am going thru. I need to find my own way. It is an agonizing journey. I am still struggling with the reality that he is really gone. With the holidays here, everything is intensified. I quickly throw Christmas cards away. How about a heartfelt note instead, back to the saying “walk a mile in my shoes”.
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Karetired,
I 100% agree, people need to understand there is no ‘quick fix’ and everyone is different in how they grieve. It is also different when you have lost the one person who was your world.
Usually I enjoy the Christmas holidays, this year I really don’t care. Christmas card are sitting on the side.
I think people around me are a bit more harsh as they are used to me being the strong one and not showing emotion (only my Baldy saw my vulnerable side) … They are now seeing I am broken - they can’t deal with that, so they assume to tell me to move on is acceptable.
To be fair - his mum has been great. I really feel for her, she is such a string woman. She has lost her husband and this is her second son she has had to grieve for - no mother needs to go through that. I thought she would blame me for his passing, blame me and our ducks - but she hasn’t. I spoke with her last night (lives 3hours away) she completely understands how I am feeling, she said she knows how much I love him and thanked me for loving him, for looking after him. She said that knowing he was loved and looked after by me is helping her, she is grateful that he found happiness (he had been married before me) She doesn’t blame me at all. She completely understood my lows and why I haven’t been able to talk much. Such a shame she is so far away, but I can talk to her and she knows I will when I’m able to, she is not judging me.
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Kel2: something I have found is that some friendships and even relatives have gone cold meaning that when my husband first passed away flowers were coming knocks at the door friends wanting to help family sending messages calling and now a lot of that has just stopped. Part of it is I think people just don’t know what to say. I understand their lives are not rooted in my grief.
I’m so glad that your mother-in-law is supportive of you. My in-laws and my mother and father are gone now. But I adored my in-laws. There were times they were more like parents to me than my own parents. This phenomenon of people backing away after a while from what I’ve read it’s not unusual. Sure doesn’t help those of us that are grieving. But the kind words that your mother-in-law shared with you it’s a good way to support you and love you. Saying I read that I think it’s so true is: grief is the courage to keep moving forward when you feel like life has ended”. Our lives as we knew it have ended. It’s trying to figure out what the new life looks like. And I’m no closer to doing that than the day my beloved husband died.
Karetired
After just 2 years of grieving I think I’m moving forward then today my son took away my husband’s computer etc, which was obsolete and I found myself sobbing my heart out, even though I asked him to do it. I was apologising to Paul for wiping him out. I have been unable to sort out any of his private possessions and I
can’t see a time when I will.
I found my best friend has drifted away but I have made several new friends, most of whom are widows and therefore understand where I coming from.
Love and hugs to everyone facing this Christmas with trepidation.
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Karetired,. Your husband’s name was Paul? … Mine too! Except I never called him that. Lol!
If ever I called him Paul he would say he was in deep trouble with me.
Surprisingly, his mum I used to find a bit difficult at times (telling me what I should be doing etc) … But she has really come through for me in more ways than I can imagine! I can’t honestly thank her enough at the moment.
I am a daddy’s girl, it will be his 2nd year anniversary 9th Jan - so I have that as well. I am on good terms with mum, but it’s not the same.
As you say, I found friends were ‘there’ when they first heard the news. But once you have the service - nothing? … guessing it’s assumed everything is ok, get on.
My oldest friend (43 years) never came to the service, she messaged the day after saying sorry didn’t come hope you’re ok. I replied saying I was struggling, if I didn’t have the boys or fighting the hospital who knows (not something I would ever admit usually) - I know she read it that day, she replied today - hope you can talk to someone? … makes you wonder really… But also brings to the front those that are actually there for you. I have had more concern from a couple I only met at his funeral (travelled from Scotland) as my husband made such an impact on their lives before I met him! (We had 14years together)
Carol9: I am only 4 1/2 mos. into what seems like an impossible grieving journey. I have a dear friend that got rid of her husbands things immediately after he passed away. I honor her for doing what was best for her, but I am not even in the “thinking” process of sorting thru his things. I have another friend who lost her husband 12 yrs ago and she has been very honest with me. She recognizes that everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way, but she said don’t look for grief to completely go away, but you will find a place for it to rest. She said there are times she cries and always misses her husband. My oh my what an agonizing journey.
Karen
Kel2: no my husbands name was Pat. A combination of a good Irish and German guy. I think I mentioned we were married 52 years, together for 57, since we were 17 yrs old. Married at 22 yrs of age. So we spent our adult life together. We never had children, and I don’t have any family where we live. But the few close friends I have have been a God sent. Your husband sounds like a very special person. Every day is an emotional challenge.
Karetired
I too met my husband when we were 16, together for 57 years. 54 married. It’s impossible to think I could get over his loss in two years. I know I will never be over it until I join him but I do hope life will start to get more bearable. My children are very good and caring but they have their own lives to lead and they do include me in their lives but I can’t live my life through them.
Best wishes Carol