Dear Chris
When you were talking about things going wrong , I’ve never known so many problems since my husband has gone . Cars breaking down and doing weird things electrically. Boiler playing up and radiators needing fixing and a burst water mains and all the ball valves in the loos needing replacing . The air con breaking down . I really have never known so much stuff to need fixing or replacing this past year . Even in work too . People crashing into our car wash . You name it , it’s happened . It’s like my husband broke down and then all types of machinery did too . It’s so weird.
I think it’s all to do with energy in some strange way.
Anyway losing your credit card and mobile is very upsetting and would make me go into a big panic so you did well to deal with that . We are on a steep learning curve because there is no one much to turn to when things go wrong so you have to bite the bullet and try to sort them out yourself . But I reckon after going through the biggest challenge of our lives , the loss of our husbands , we are not going to let other pesky problems defeat us . I have dealt with so much practical and financial stuff this past year every day I wake up and think what hoop have I got to jump through next ?
It’s very wearing but I suppose that’s life . Grit our teeth and get on with it .
I’m scared of mice and rats . It’s the tails I don’t like . I don’t mind hamsters though funnily enough …because they don’t have tails ! I don’t know what I would make of having dead mice presented to me ! Urgh !
I do find it comforting going to the church but as I prefer to sit on the grass I haven’t been able to go so much recently because of the weather . I suppose I could put my waterproofs on but the weather is strange because it is still quite warm even though it’s raining a lot . I don’t talk much when I get there because I am always talking to my husband in my mind all day every day . I just like to sit there in the peace and quiet and think about stuff . Whatever comes into my mind .
I am very tired after the events of the past year . I still get a shock every time I specifically stop and think about my husband and how he is dead . It still feels completely wrong mainly because it was totally out of the blue and unexpected. If I get any sort of twinges when I’m on my own I have to make an effort not to panic because it can make me scared that I’m going to drop dead like my husband and although I don’t much like this life without him I know a lot of people depend on me and would struggle without me so I need to keep going for them as much as myself . There is no joy though any more . No anticipation. No excitement. No contentment. Everything just feels so different even though lots of it is the same stuff as I was doing before although there’s so much more of it. Come to think of it I’m a bit like a hamster on a wheel , working really hard to stay in the same place ! And there is no reward at the end of it because being with my husband was always the best bit of my life .
Anyway I must be getting nocturnal.,more hamster analogy!
Hope you get some sleep
There is a music festival locally this weekend …which me and the children were supposed to go to but I can’t see that happening with all this rain and wind
Hi Brenda,
I haven’t been posting anything recently, but I saw your message about getting a dog. Simon and I have always had dogs, quite a few in the thirty years we were together. After our last dog passed away in January 2018, I said I couldn’t go through the heartache anymore, but he persuaded me to have one. We got two rescue dogs from our local rescue centre. Baxter is a beagle cross from Spain and Cassie is from the uk. Baxter was a street dog and yes it can be a bit of a challenge as he is frightened of so many things, Hoover, spray bottles, hosepipe to name a few. But he is the most loving dog and loves all the cuddles he gets. He and Cassie love each other and play together all the time. They are keeping me going, making me smile when they do stupid things. Simon only had eight months with them before he passed away in November but I’m so glad he persuaded me to have them. Sorry for butting in.
Take care love Janet xx
Hi Pat, it was good to read your reply and I admire you being able to look after two allotments as well as your garden. I have quite a small garden which is enough to keep me busy. I hope in time the pain will ease the memories you have of your Brian sitting in the garden so that you can once again enjoy sitting out there thinking of him. It is so hard and another reminder of what we have lost…
My rabbits are in a large aviary type wooden run inside their room so I can walk in and it is easier to clean than a hutch and run which my previous rabbit lived in. Most rabbits like to chew cables and wires as they think they are tree roots, as in a burrow, so they tidy up! If you wanted them to have free range in your house you need to barrier some things off. I used to let my other rabbit out in the lounge where we used to live and she chewed the wall behind the curtains and the curtains. My two don’t seem interested in leaving their room and actually stayed in one night when I accidentally left their door open! If you want outside rabbits you should have two together as they are social animals and would be lonely on their own. One is ok if you keep it as a house rabbit maybe as long as your dogs accept it. Rescue centres are good places to get bonded pairs.You should not leave a rabbit in an area without overhead cover as they are prey animals so can be attacked in an open run. Some people have sheds with a large wire run attached as it keeps them dry and safe. I suggest you look at various websites on rabbit care as there are several. The best site I have found is Rabbit Welfare Association & Fund (RWAF.co.uk) sorry I am not computer literate enough to paste a link! I sometimes email them for advice and they are very helpful. All rabbits are different in their habits. Mine are Rexes so have no guard hairs resulting in very soft velvety fur.They will lay on the floor being stroked for ages until my arm nearly drops off. I only pick them up for health checks and over the four years I have had them they have bonded with me more. You have to let them do things in their own time. Anyway I mustn’t go on but I will be interested to hear how you get on.
I thought about getting a dog when I lost David but think the rabbits are easier for me as I go to visit my daughter quite a lot and she has two cats so not good for a dog.
Enjoy your lovely dogs,what breed are they?
Thinking of you & sending hugs Viv x
Maryjane - how I wished to say anything to help - it sounds awful what you are going through - but remember there are always ways to come out of a situation but you can see it yet.
Have you consider moving? Also just don’t answer your phone after a certain time - get a whistle and when you get the horrible phone calls just blow the whistle
Love
Sadie xx
Hi Pam
I am also trying to make sense of love fe without Jack - I also don’t remember life without him . I am trying to find value in my life …
Sadie xx
Hi Janet,
Thank you for your words I was starting to panic a bit about rehoming from abroad and will hope I land lucky ,he is a 3 year old as I did not want a puppy as you have to think ahead.
Our dog Brodie was a rescue from local rescue at 2years and John loved him so much but took ill and landed in a care home so I have had him 24/7 with me he was a very loving dog not a day with any bother for nearly 11 years so very much missed ,and as I said there seems to be not any dogs local who need a home so that is why I thought of abroad to give one a good home as it is so lonely as you know without my husband and now my dog,so hope all goes well and you are coping it is so hard but you have your loving dogs and that does help with the pain of losing your husband so take care.
Brenda
xx
I really empathise with the feeling that things are against me all the time. Small things that require complicated phone calls are daunting and I tend to put them off. Your attitude of not being defeated has galvanised me into action and today I’ve tackled Saga Insurance and my repeat prescription, which seems to have got lost in the system.
That horrible split second when the reality of what has happened becomes fact, is devastating. Like you, I feel nothing will ever give me pleasure; it can’t , it’s not possible.
I scattered Paul’s ashes in several different places on our favourite walks, so this gives me the push to walk there and feel the place. I was so pleased to find that they were still visible after 12 months, I haven’t told anyone where they are.
You’ve done so well to keep the business going, when I’m sure that sometimes the effort must have been enormous.
I really empathise with the feeling that things are against me all the time. Small things that require complicated phone calls are daunting and I tend to put them off. Your attitude of not being defeated has galvanised me into action and today I’ve tackled Saga Insurance and my repeat prescription, which seems to have got lost in the system.
That horrible split second when the reality of what has happened becomes fact, is devastating. Like you, I feel nothing will ever give me pleasure; it can’t , it’s not possible.
I scattered Paul’s ashes in several different places on our favourite walks, so this gives me the push to walk there and feel the place. I was so pleased to find that they were still visible after 12 months, I haven’t told anyone where they are.
You’ve done so well to keep the business going, when I’m sure that sometimes the effort must have been enormous.
Thanks for the info, I will find out as much as I can about rabbits. I have never wanted them as I didn’t want to keep them in a hutch and have always preferred the love and companionship of dogs. My dogs are rescue dogs and after keeping dogs most of my life I said ‘no more’ when my last beloved little friend died. Beepa came out of a dog pound awaiting her fate, I couldn’t resist. I arrived just in time and have never regretted it, so much love she gives me. No idea what her breed is. No information about her. We called her Beepa because it was mine and Brian’s initials. Bugsy came to me as a foster dog and ended up staying. He’s a little terrier and such a character. I call him Bugsy the Bugger but everyone loves him, so friendly. I have never had problems with any of my dogs meeting up with cats and used to own cats with three dogs years ago. I think cats are much more lethal than the dogs anyway. You might get some swearing from the cats to start with but they settle down. Never thought it to be a problem. There is nothing better than a dog to be a companion. They give a sense of purpose. Walking, feeding, grooming. Mine give me a look if I don’t get them out or feed them on time. They keep me focused and make me feel loved. I’m sure other dog owners will confirm this.
Best of luck
Pat
Hi Janet, I am so pleased you get so much pleasure from Baxter and Cassie, I would encourage any bereaving person to get a dog (or two), there is no other animal that does so much for the human race. My two ‘children’ keep me going and I also laugh at their antics. I walk and chat with people every day because of them. I applaud you for persevering with Baxter, these animals from abroad can be a challenge and as a former dog trainer it breaks my heart to see how some of them just don’t get trained properly and are just not happy, balanced dogs. My Beepa came out of a Pound and I suspect she might have come from abroad and there was challenges. I still can’t clip her claws and have to muzzle her and hold her down. A vet can’t get near her although she is the most affectionate and loving dog you could wish for and craves affection from everyone that will give it to her. She loves men and I wonder if she belonged to a man once. She also wouldn’t walk on grass when she first came to us but had no fear of heavy traffic or towns, hence a former city dog I suspect. She is now well trained and a delight to be out with. Bugsy is a cheeky chappie and loves everybody but believe it or not I still have people pick their dogs up when he goes to introduce himself to them. There’s not a nasty bone in him so their actions make me so angry. Both my dogs now work with troubled rescue dogs. I am so proud of them.
Brian also passed in November and I suspect now he was pushing hard for me to have another dog after my last one died. I had owned dogs all my life but swore that I would have no more, it had become too hard to accept their loss as I got older
I too am so pleased now that he gently persuaded me to have more. My life would be so empty now without them.
All the best Pat xxx
Hi Branda so pleased your going for another dog. Where I live we also have problems getting a rescue dog. We do have an RSPCA kennels but they rarely have anything and a couple of small rescue centres. We have to travel to the mainland otherwise and most of these centres want you to visit two or three times which isn’t possible for us. We do however have dogs coming from Ireland and abroad. Some of the rescue centres are making it too hard for people to get British dogs. It certainly will help with the pain of your loss and I wish you all the best with your new best friend.
Pat
I really enjoyed reading your story about your dogs and love how you came up with Beepa’s name. It is wonderful that they are rescue dogs as you have made such a difference to their lives. I grew up with dogs and one mongrel had three litters of six puppies each time. I’m afraid my dad used to let her off the lead in the forest too much! I used to smuggle the pups into bed with me and always wanted to keep one but understandably my parents couldn’t afford two dogs. I was scared of cats until my daughter had her kitten but am not all that keen on them if I am honest. As time goes by and I feel stronger I may consider a dog but I can’t deal with anything extra just now. I do love my rabbits who give me a reason to get out of bed each morning and are funny little characters to watch. Whatever the pet I think it is good to have something that gives you unconditional love.
Take care Viv
I haven’t been on this website for a while, as it makes me cry at all the sorrow people are going through. But decided to take a look today, I see new people have joined in conversations and people from my ‘era’ are still posting. I don’t reply but feel empathy with everyone here. I had to reply to you Sheila, you write as you feel, I had to laugh at your on line purchases, I’ve done the same, it makes you feel good, I still want to look good for myself, and for my David to be proud of me that I haven’t been sloppy in my appearance. Good on you. X
Hi Pat it is just the same here there is hardly any dogs available in the area and as you say they want you to visit two or three times which is not possible seems strange,but will be honest having doubts about one from abroad as I was speaking to someone who has done so while I was out walking with my friends with their dogs as I still do this a lot he has Dana and he says he has had problems with trying to groom and dry her and she is not very loving,we have noticed that as my dog used to love people making a fuss of him and used to run over to the golfers on the course as they all knew him and the other dogs so it has put a doubt in my mind as I am older and am thinking will I be able to give this poor animal the care and attention it will need,so don’t know what to do,wish John was here get so fed up .,more problems.
Take care
Brenda
tHello Brenda
Every little thing seems to become a problem these days but don’t give up on the idea of another dog. See if it’s possible to have a dog on trial for a couple of weeks and does it matter if there is a slight problem along the way. It will give you something else to focus on. My Beepa didn’t like having a harness/coat put on her and hated being groomed or her feet touched. I used to sing silly songs to her. I made them up as I went along but it did seem to quieten her and of course she had a reward for good behaviour (bribery). Now it’s her party piece to let me touch her feet and her ‘give me five’ is spot on. There are numerous rescue dogs from abroad around here and they are adorable. Just make sure that a dog doesn’t have any major problems that you can’t cope with. Usually they are in foster homes so any troubles will have been detected before you take one on. Tell the organisation you obtain a dog from about your worries and if they are responsible they will help you. Please don’t be put off I’m certain you won’t regret it. You will adore your new friend when you go for walks and cuddle up together.
Best of luck Pat xxxx
Hi Pat,
Thanks for the advice will see what happens will let you know when I eventually get another dog,will enjoy having a bit of company so lonely without John and Brodie.
Take care
Brenda
x
Hi there Sheila, I can’t help but say how different we all are, yet share the same heartbreak. I have now little interest in buying clothes, etc haven’t bothered really since I retired. When I worked of course it was smart clothes, makeup etc but after retiring I just didn’t live a,life that warranted makeup and smart clothes unless I go out. However don’t really feel I have let myself go as I have always exercised (walked, running, cycling, gym) and eaten a healthy diet and not overweight.
My life now revolves around my allotment and walking so do get dirty, even covered in mud on occasions. Today while out on a walk early this morning I got soaked, not once but twice and must have looked like a drowned rat (no mac). Then I went onto the allotment and was digging up spuds, pruning back tree’s/bushes and gathering up fallen branches and buckets of windfall apples that the wind had blown down. So no call for makeup, more like shorts, and trainers. I have always been an outdoors person so led a sort of double life. Clothes changing dramatically from work, going out, to my homelife. I had a stable of horses before.
In your time of grief I think it’s commendable that you and others still take an interest in your appearance. I of course do take an interest but my clothes buying is usually from a shop like Mountain Warehouse for waterproof gear, sports gear, that suit my lifestyle.
You made me laugh imagining your Apple watch waking you up in the night, must have been a shock for you.
Sheila I know exactly where you are coming from. When I work on the allotments and go across to Brian’s plot I am working for him. Looking round to make sure that everything is how he would like it. You dress and makeup for Peter and it gives you a reason to bother. You are pleasing him. Carry on, we are all searching for that something that gives us motivation to get through each day.
Love
Pat