Lost My Husband

I lost my husband seven weeks ago, we had been married for 43 years and have been together since we were 17. I can’t cope at all. I don’t want to get up in the morning, not that I sleep anyhow. I don’t eat much, I have just no interest in anything. How do I get myself out of this dark place I’m in? I just want to die and be with my husband again. I miss all the special moments we had together, just simple things, liking holding hands, having a quick cuddle and knowing he was always there for me, it’s so lonely now.

Hi Penny

So sorry to hear that you have lost your husband. 7 weeks is a very short time and the grief will still be so raw. All of the things you are describing are how it is for everyone when they lose their life partner. No one tells you how hard it will be. After all that time of being together you had grown into a ‘team’ being able to anticipate each other’s wants and needs. Suddenly you are cast adrift and you don’t know who you are anymore. My husband died unexpectedly in October and I am still trying to figure out how I carry on. At the moment I still take it one day at a time.

Just know that everyone on this site understands and you can say whatever you feel.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Yvonne

I’m so, so sorry Penny. I completely understand how you are feeling: that longing to die and be with them - wherever they are - is what I have felt too, and people don’t want to hear it: they think we are about to kill ourselves, but wanting to be dead, and wanting to kill ourselves are not the same thing.

I lost my partner last summer (August 2017) just 36 days after he was diagnosed with brain cancer. We were together 28 years. Life feels empty and pointless now; I have no idea what I am here for or what I’m supposed to do. How are we supposed to carry on? I just don’t know.

Sending you strength and courage; just one breath at a time - it’s all we can do.

I lost my lifelong partner of 47 years just 6 weeks ago and I feel exactly as you describe.
The only reason I get out of bed is to let the dog out- he’s lovely but he’s so upset and insecure, always looking for my partner that he is no comfort to me. I keep trying to do my best for the because my partner loved him so much.
You’re right it is the simple everyday day things that you miss so much, my whole life disappeared when he died and I feel completely alone.
It’s little comfort to know others are suffering in the same way.
I’m trying bereavement counselling- I know it can’t change what’s happened but I have nobody else I can talk to about him. take care and keep using this site. x

Penny I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. The lady I met and fell in love with on 2nd November 1965 died on 12th March 2018. We were married for 47yrs. So I know exactly how you feel as I feel it too. My only wish is to be with my darling Chrissie just as yours is to be with your husband. I also have trouble eating and have dropped 3 stone in weight. First time a GP has told me to put weight on!
I have no clever ideas how we get through this. Maybe see the GP for a sedative? But then who wants to be on drugs? Though I have a mild dose now to help me manage.
Yes it is the empty chair, no one beside you in bed, the shared laugh and joke, the hugs, the silly small things you talk about, the deciding together on things whether just shopping or bigger matters. All now gone and very, very lonely.
There are some good folk on this site Penny who can personally relate to how you feel, so you are not alone at least on here.
My very best wishes for you Penny, so sorry I have no bright and clever ideas. But I am struggling myself. People say take one day at a time. Some times it is 30mins at a time as that is all I can manage.
Please try to take care of yourself and keep posting, I have found that helps.
Yours with deepest sympathy/empathy,
Blizzard

Blizzard thank you so much for your reply. It is much appreciated. I felt that I was losing my mind. I sit looking at the tv but not actually watching it. It really is a comfort to know that I am not alone and that all these feelings are normal. It is practically impossible to explain it to anyone who hasn’t experienced this themselves. My husband used to always say to me, if I was upset about anything, that “This too shall pass”. He was usually right too.
I can only imagine what you are going through but I do empathise with you. It’s very hard when people tell you to pull yourself together or tell you it will get easier every day. These things make me quite angry, though I never say that. Life has taken on a new meaning for me. At the minute it is just existing and trying to get through each day, each hour and sometimes each minute. The memories are everywhere around. Why did I take them all for granted??
It is so difficult when the family want to help but they too are grieving and have their own families to take care of. Today, for instance, I saw an elderly couple walking hand in hand and my first thought was why should they be so happy, but then I thought I really hope you enjoy all these precious times together. I was jealous of them. Oh what we would both give to have our partners here now.
Thanks again for replying to me and yes I will keep posting. Maybe time will help eventually but I have my doubts right now.
Take care of yourself.
Penny

Yvonne I have been told that I was “lucky” that I had time with my husband before his death ( I don’t feel lucky). I can’t begin to imagine what you had to go through with your husband’s unexpected death. I think death whether it is sudden or expected leaves the partner totally at a loss. We were a pair, just like yourselves we’re and we never thought of one of us being left behind. Nothing and no one can fill the gap. We both have to try to continue as best we can.
Thank you for posting.

Penny, I wish I could say things get better. But for me they have not. My impression is people who have gone on a few years with the grief of bereavement learn how to handle it most times, but it is still there. To say pull yourself together in our circumstances, however well meant, is heartless and must come from those who have not had such a loss. I do not shed tears easily yet I have many, many times for my sweet Chrissie. Nothing I can do, it just happens.
Yes, I too have looked at elderly couples and thought “why are you alive and my darling Chrissie is not?” But then realize I should be glad for them that they have happiness now, for they still have to come what you and I suffer Penny.
I find life meaning less, hopeless, pointless without my Chrissie as I am sure you do without your partner. We did everything together from the smallest decision what to by in the shops to the biggest ones. Each day we had a laugh as she had a great sense of humour. I do not find anything funny now.
But you are doing right Penny. Take it day by day, moment by moment if need be. Post on here as folk here are going through the same and understand. They have helped me with their replies. No instant solution but it helps to talk or write about these things.
My best wishes to you Penny,
Blizzard

Hi penny10
I am truly sorry about your loss of you loving husband .
It is so raw for you just now you will still be in shock please believe me everything you are feeling is normal as we have all been there we think about the ifs the buts if only .
Everyday is a struggle you don’t sleep you don’t eat you walk about as if you have led boots on your feet people talk to you but it’s just white noise.
It is the small things that hit so hard I’m 5 months down this road and I take everyday at a time I cry when I want to but the heartbreak is so overwhelming I married my husband when I was 16 we were together for 36 years there isn’t a day I don’t want him with me please take sending a hug .
Lily

Thank you for posting. We are both at the beginning of a journey that I had never really considered. The feeling is unbelievable. I seem to have no interest in anything. It is so hard to keep going on but we have to face whatever this life has in store for us. I am just so confused and at the minute don’t know who to turn to. I have so many unanswered questions. I have been told I should wait at least six months before going to a bereavement counsellor.
I just would like a day to go past when I didn’t cry. The loneliness is unbearable. I don’t need to tell you that. I wish I could offer you some comfort but we are not alone on this journey.

I have a different situation. I am experiencing a living bereavement that never ends because the person didn’t die. They cut me off. Unlike a death, where the bereaved do eventually recover and learn to live again, I keep going through the grief because the person comes back and goes again. Hard as this has been it has taught me how to handle the death of a relationship because although the person is still alive, the relationship has died. I’ve found that by going through the normal grieving period, about 2 years, you do learn to embrace life again so although it’s a raw, cruel experience for you now, it does change. That lifeline of hope does arrive. It’s just getting through the now that’s tricky. I am so sorry for those of you that have lost a loved one. The pain is agonizing, I know. But it does transform us and we do come out the other side. Just hang in there. X

Nina,

I sympathise with your situation it must be very sad for you to be cut off like this.
It would be said if my relationship had died but I could come to terms with it. When my partner died my whole way of life and our plans for the future died with him. I can’t see myself ever coming to terms with that. J

Ditto with J. Once a lifelong partner has died (In my case together over 50yr) there is absolute zero chance of the situation improving. For over 50yr everything we did was done together. To be cut off from someone you love is sad and hard to deal with. But at least you know they are still alive and there is that million to one chance that you will see them again. I will never see my darling Chrissie again until I depart this life.
I do hope your situation improves Nina.

I don’t think my situation will change, it’s gone on for many years sadly. It’s taken me until now to release my grief and this has led to a bereavement of sorts. There is a new model for bereavement now. Originally it was thought that grief existed as a bubble within us and over time it shrank as life finally took on a new normal, whatever that may be. But now it’s been decided that grief never shrinks or ebbs away. Instead our lives grow and embrace a new kind of future around it. My heart goes out to you after losing your loved ones after so many years together. It’s not a case of recovering, I can’t imagine you would ever feel able to. But it’s more how to survive and exist in the present we have now. This much I do understand and I know it’s very hard for many. There are no sugar coated platitudes and I think when they are offered, they sound hollow and meaningless. One thing I would say is friends help and if you are part of a Church, just rocking up for Sunday service at least gets you amongst others and you do get a cup of tea. It helps if nothing else, just feeling a connection to something. xx

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