My husband of 54 years passed away in December 2018 and each day is a struggle to carry on. The pain is there whatever I am doing, I join in with family celebrations but there is someone missing and when I go home he’s not there to share things with. His illness came like a bolt out the blue and within 6 months he had passed away, he was always so healthy and his death has left a huge void in our lives. I see other couples doing things together and I’m envious and ask myself why my husband. His things are still around the house and I can’t bear to move them, he’s shoes are in the hall and his coat still hangs on the hook in the kitchen and I smell them everyday but I’m afraid his smell will eventually disappear and I’ll have nothing to cling to. Everyone tells me it will get easier but I can’t imagine it will my life is so empty without him.
I’m so sorry to hear that your husband passed away in December 2018. It sounds like your husband’s illness was very sudden, which must have been difficult for you to cope with. Everything you’ve said in your message is echoed by others in this community - particularly the envy, the feeling of something missing, and the fear that his smell will disappear - so you’re not alone here.
We have a couple of articles on our website about bereavement that may be of some use to you, either now or in the future: https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/someone-close-to-me-has-died/advice-and-support/how-can-i-cope-with-bereavement and https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/someone-close-to-me-has-died/advice-and-support/how-long-does-grief-last.
Take care of yourself and keep posting here for as long as helps.
Eleanor