Hi Guys, have been lurking on here since the passing of my Wife Jo on the 9th October 2022.
She was 51 years old and we were married for 16 years. Jo died from primary lung cancer although the poor thing had also had tumors removed from her wrist and brain throughout her ilness. The whole nightmare began in April 2021. She remained at work for as long as she could and did her very best to carry on running the house and looking after me and the kids. I regret the things I didn’t and did do / say and didn’t say and also regret the feelings and thoughts I had while she was poorly - I was very selfish at times. Have being doing my best trying to remember the happy times and trying to cope with the very negative and upsetting intrusive thoughts. Jo loved me more than anyone else could. Have quit work for a few months as I wasn’t coping - needed time to adjust to this new unwanted life that I now have. Recently, I have noticed that I have had more bad days than good and I have spoken to a Cruse counciller on 2 occasions and have found them very good. Everything seems very surreal and I am in total disbelief that she is never coming back. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone close. Anyway, stay strong guys and do whatever you want that feels right to you. God Bless. Darren x
@eastwood1875
I am so very sorry to read about your lovely Jo. She sounds like she was a lovely, strong lady.
I lost my husband in October, he was fit and healthy, became ill and died with a rare form of cancer . It is the hardest thing in the world watching the person you love more than anything suffer and know you are unable to do anything.
I have found great comfort on here and even though I don’t always post, I read a lot of other peoples stories.
When I first lost my Ron, the feelings overwhelmed me. I thought there was something wrong with me as I couldn’t cope or function, Then I found this forum, realised I was perfectly normal and that others were just like me.
I do hope you continue to get comfort from the lovely people on here,
Sending love and hugs xx
Im so sorry to hear about your loss. I too have hovered reading posts but not posted. I lost my darling husband in November very suddenly and unexpecttedly, he was 62. Its a tough debilitately road we travel that noone or nothing prepares you for. I found reading about grief helps a little and i read a book called The Grieving Brain which explains why we expect to see them and why we cant believe they are gone when clearly we do know. Reading books about other peoples experiences also helps as it gives a bit of hope that we wont always feel so devastated , that we can live fulfilling lives in time but that equally we will always carry our loved ones and our grief , with us. Like you i too feel like I am going backwards and feel more bad days with awful yearning than better ones. I think for me the shock is wearing off and the reality setting in. I do hope you have good people to sit along side you at this awful time
@Marysue - I am so sorry that your husband has died - this is so hard. You are so early on in grief and your loss was sudden - both of these things make life super had. You have come along way already and while there is a way to go yet before things even out and feel easier, they will do. It will be ok. I am so glad that you posted. All of us on here get it completely and we look out for each other as we go. You are not alone, my friend - you have loads of us right there with you x
@Vancouver well said
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Ive decided the pain of loss of a spouse is the worlds best kept secret. Only those that have been through it know how devastating it is. I had no idea ! It is conforting to read other peoples experiences and know that what you are experiencing is a normal response to grief. My heart goes out to all those suffering.
Hi Marysue
My husband too died suddenly and the shock and disbelief takes a while to subside. When he first died I still waited for him to come home lunchtime and got two mugs out for our tea together. It’s so hard to process isn’t it ? It’ll be two years next month and although it seems an ages since he was with us that awful night when he had a heart attack in bed beside me seems like yesterday. You’re so right in saying that unless you have experienced the loss of a partner people have no idea how much it hurts…
It doesn’t get easier but you do learn to live alongside your grief . We’re all in this together we must try to stay strong.
Georgina
Hi … my husband passed in december 2022 … im at that stage now where i still cant believe it either 
i havent moved his clothes or anything … its all as it was ! I dont want him to have gone and we were married for 35 years and i loved him so much and its not fair ! And im really mad still that hes gone and left me ! Specialist said it had been there at least a year his cancer - why didnt he tell me something was wrong - he must’ve had some symptoms - i knew something was wrong but didnt know what ? Why didnt he speak to me about it ? I dont get any of it i think he was hiding it from me but his brother said maybe he was scared ? I cant ask him now can i i wish i could 
Deb5, Jo was similar. Although we knew there was something wrong noone told us how serious everything was. Her cancer was so complicated, even the experts were scratching their heads. Jo and I spoke very little about her cancer and other than a couple of very informal chats about the ‘what if’ there was no dialogue about what to do in the worst case scenario. I didn’t attend every consultation and as far as I know we were never told or asked for a prognosis. On several occasions I did ask her to ask for one but she never would - other than one time. I rang her her from work one day to ask how her consultation went that day and she was a bit off with me and thanked me in a sarcastic way for asking for a prognosis. The consultant told her she would be lucky to see Christmas (this was the August before the October she died). I felt so guilty but I had to know. I found it difficult to look after the house, cook, clean and attend to Jo - as I did very little before her illness. Our stepson (who still lives me) did very little to help although he is 27 - that used to bug me big time! I kind of took that out on Jo and would often huff and puff while I pushed the hoover around. I said before that I had quit work and I’ve been off for about month - sometimes it helps other times it makes things worse. I’m gonna give myself another month or so and start looking then. I will also speak with my stepson about him helping round the house more and maybe paying some rent! I have decorated a couple of rooms but haven’t relly changed anything. I kind of want to keep hold of how things were before to retain her ‘presence’. After I’ve done some painting or tidied the garden (the things that Jo would have had to nag me to do) upset me as I want her to see what I have done . I think I’m still stuck in denial. I have had several dates since she passed as I just needed the physical side as some company and at the moment it’s just not working. After the initial intimacy it just makes me feel more empty and miss her more. I worry about the future as I can’t visualize a new proper relationship with someone else as it won’t be her. I have so many regrets and so much guilt - it’s selfish really as I’m the one that’s still here. She was so very brave, complained so very little about what was happening to her and even as I’m typing this it’s feels like I’m waiting for a text from her or a call to pick her up from the hospital. I really dislike this new life, feel very lost and everything feels pretty pointless. Thanks for the repies guys. Hearing your stories really helps. Makes me realise that I’m not alone. Darren
Has she only passed in october2022 ? Cos if so i think you done brilliant at doing stuff … i hardly done anything … i fpund it hard to put one foot in front of the other tbh … i actually dunno how ive survived this … im glad its helped what i said and im do damn cross with those drs for giving us hope and then in the end they just left him to die … the useles NHS … the care is crap !
Hi Den5,
Thats correct. She passed away on 9the October 2022.
Thank-you for your praise 
Did youhave to endure Christmas without your hubby?
Darren
Yep … it was awful x
Oh bless you Deb. I found it horrific too.
x
@eastwood1875 & @Marysue
Firstly welcome to the forum we all wish we weren’t on but I hope that the reading you have both done prior to posting has shown you that this is a supportive place for those of us grieving the loss of our parters.
Your losses are very recent and I’m not surprised the disbelief is still a factor. As you seem to be finding also, the grief following the initial shock is beginning to set in and seems worse. Again, totally normal - in fact as I have said in other posts- anything is normal as there is no pattern to grief. We can read about it and share things with each other but none of us can predict what it will be like for any of us tomorrow, next week, next month.
For me 11 months after the sudden, shocking loss of my fit, strong and apparently healthy 60 year old husband I still have grief ambushes and bad days but there are certainly better days too and I am making a life with some enjoyment in it. It’s not the life I want but I will not let grief win and I’m determined to make my Richard proud of what his stubborn wife can do. Today I’ve been weeding a flower bed and tidying the greenhouse ready for planting. The grief ambush came as I sat on a bench looking at our beautiful view and read a wall plaque a friend sent me about my tears turning to smiles as I imagine him sitting beside me and it worked in the totally opposite way!
Be kind to yourselves and don’t try to rush things. We need time to think about and cry for our lost love but we also need distraction from the grief at times too. Getting the balance is a work in progress for me but @Mike75 has a very good way and gives himself time out during the day to think about his wife. We could learn from that I believe.
Love to you both and all suffering this loss
Karen xxx
@eastwood1875 and @Marysue I am so sorry you have lost your loved ones. For all of us here it is the worst experience of our lives. I will be 5 months along this unwanted journey on Thursday. At first I was overwhelmed and in terrible physical as well as emotional pain and grief had taken full control. But I started to read posts on this forum which made sense to me, especially ones from Karen, Vancouver and others and I eventually joined. Once I accepted I had lost the love of my life for 50 years I recognised that grief had become part of my life like hunger, thirst, sleep, etc. and not something I could hide from by distractions or denial, so I started making time for it as I do for the other needs.
The time outs may include crying, shouting, even quiet reflection of happy memories, as my emotions dictate. Todays was a mixture of tears and quiet reflection. This allows me to sometimes set the agenda for my grieving and release it so that it does not build up and completely drain me. It also allows me to do other things that I must do without guilt, including caring for my new grandson and my son and his wife who live with me now. It does not eliminate the ambush that is always waiting in a dark place.
I agree with @KarenF when she says we need to bring some balance back into our lives and this technique works for me and has made me less stressed.
I’ve said elsewhere that as we are all different this may actually only work for me and we all have to find our own way but learning from each other and supporting each other is a first step.
Thinking of you xx
I agree its good to be podituve but funno about you … my tears jusr cone ! Whether i want them toor not ? Its good yo have distractions but also i think we need to let our grief out too … the sadness because it is a loss losing person you loved most in the whole world … and the person who probably cared for u the most too …
@Deb5 I understand the tears coming whether you want them or not and I can still be ambushed. I think having such a big task with the baby means I’d be too busy and try and stop grief from coming out so I can keep going, so I have to give grief it’s time or it’ll just build up and break me down like it did in the first months. The sadness never goes away and is awful and is multiplied every time I feel happy with my grandson, as my wife is not here and she would have been overjoyed with him. We all travel in our own way on this journey and find our own solutions to keeping going day to day. Like I said, this works for me and maybe only me. I hope you find a path that helps you through. Love and support xx
Yeh a distraction is good … but i been distracted by my puppy for last month but still feel i need to grieve for my husband … but like you say whatever works best for you