I lost my wife very suddenly at the beginning of December 2021 just over a month ago. We were sat at opposite ends of the kitchen table and she was on the telephone to a friend. For some reason I looked up and saw her head had dropped onto her left shoulder. I jumped up and ran to her instinctively knowing something was very wrong. I cuddled her asking her to wake up. Apart from a couple of grunts I got no response. I rang 999 and she suddenly stopped breathing. I was told to get her on the floor and begin cpr which I did.
I think I got her breathing again momentarily but she stopped and I began cpr again. I had training at work many years ago but don’t know whether I did it correctly. The paramedics arrived quickly used a defribulator intubated her and gave adrenalin all to no effect and she was pronounced dead on our kitchen floor. She was 66 years old. It turned out it was her heart which had previously not been diagnosed.
I keep seeing her in trouble her clothes cut off to facilitate medical help. I feel guilty not saving her life.
My wife was disabled due to Multiple Sclerosis first appearing age 25 but not diagnosed until she was 45. I could not imagine having a family in case I worsened her health. She worked all her life until retirement aged 49 due to the MS. At 57 she was diagnosed with Cancer having to undergo 5.5 hours of surgery. She was a fighter and termed it a ‘blip’.
Her MS deteriorated during Covid due to lack of exercise. She cared for herself as much as I did for her. She was very independent and bordered on stubborn at times refusing to consider a wheelchair stick or any other aid. I loved her dearly but sometimes got frustrated and lost my temper saying things I regret including using inappropriate foul language.
I regret so many things. I am bereft without her in my life. I cannot see a future without her. I fear the loneliness. She was my best friend, my rock, my confidant and the glue that held me together. She was my life and without her all I see is black.