Lost my lovely wife

I lost my wife very suddenly at the beginning of December 2021 just over a month ago. We were sat at opposite ends of the kitchen table and she was on the telephone to a friend. For some reason I looked up and saw her head had dropped onto her left shoulder. I jumped up and ran to her instinctively knowing something was very wrong. I cuddled her asking her to wake up. Apart from a couple of grunts I got no response. I rang 999 and she suddenly stopped breathing. I was told to get her on the floor and begin cpr which I did.

I think I got her breathing again momentarily but she stopped and I began cpr again. I had training at work many years ago but don’t know whether I did it correctly. The paramedics arrived quickly used a defribulator intubated her and gave adrenalin all to no effect and she was pronounced dead on our kitchen floor. She was 66 years old. It turned out it was her heart which had previously not been diagnosed.

I keep seeing her in trouble her clothes cut off to facilitate medical help. I feel guilty not saving her life.

My wife was disabled due to Multiple Sclerosis first appearing age 25 but not diagnosed until she was 45. I could not imagine having a family in case I worsened her health. She worked all her life until retirement aged 49 due to the MS. At 57 she was diagnosed with Cancer having to undergo 5.5 hours of surgery. She was a fighter and termed it a ‘blip’.

Her MS deteriorated during Covid due to lack of exercise. She cared for herself as much as I did for her. She was very independent and bordered on stubborn at times refusing to consider a wheelchair stick or any other aid. I loved her dearly but sometimes got frustrated and lost my temper saying things I regret including using inappropriate foul language.

I regret so many things. I am bereft without her in my life. I cannot see a future without her. I fear the loneliness. She was my best friend, my rock, my confidant and the glue that held me together. She was my life and without her all I see is black.

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Hi, I feel your loss and your pain as will many on this site. When our soulmate goes we are in a very dark place but there will be a tiny chink of light and we must hold on to it. You did your very best and looked after her so many years, we all can say things that later we wished we had not said but I am sure she would have ignored it and got on with other things. Please read others post and post again letting us know how are doing and if counselling may help we are always here for you. Take care and look after yourself because you sound vulnerable at present. S xx

You’ve had such a dreadful shock but you’ve done so well looking after her like you did.
Unfortunately it was her time to go when she did. We all think we could have done something or said something differently.
Your wife will have known how much you loved and cared for her. She truly will.
Also, don’t worry about getting frustrated with her, caring is an immense job. Please cut yourself some slack, don’t beat yourself up.
Your grief will take all your strength to get through, but get through you will. Just try to get through tonight, then tomorrow. Baby steps, moving forward little by little.
You need to take care of yourself.
We all understand how difficult it is losing your darling spouse. It’s very early days for you yet. It will get slightly easier in time

Thank you both for your words of encouragement. It means so much from people who have experienced such an event. It’s 05.30 and I have been awake for some time. I’m ready for the day - more of the same. I constantly break down it takes nothing and yes I am feeling sorry for myself. I can lock the other traumatic events I have witnessed away - the occasionally come back but what I witnessed when I lost June will haunt me forever. Now the tears start again. It’s a never ending nightmare that I just want to end.
My elderly Mother (92) has been here since it happened and announced yesterday she has done all she can for me and will be going home to live on her own. I cannot blame her and don’t want to cause her any health issues - another worry. So much to do probate, headstone, charity donations, letters and a seriously defective new build home we moved into 3.5 years ago. Only the good neighbours keep me here or razing it to the ground. I’m angry at how the developers have dismissed our problems and have gone legal having spent £70K on it so far. One way or another I will beat them as although I cannot prove a link between the death of my wife and their actions they have contributed to it. We don’t have usable downstairs w.c’s so my wife had to climb the stairs to go upstairs. Multiple blockages and three floods of raw sewage inside the house stopped us from using the downstairs toilets.
Everything is piling up all I can see is black day in day out. Sorry for my very depressing post.

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I hope you have support in your fight with the developers…
Do you think maybe someone to talk to in person, to help you put all your jobs/problems in perspective may help?
As Susie said, counselling is available on here. That way you may not feel so alone and it may help you see through all the blackness.
Don’t apologise for how you feel. We do understand

Thank you JaneyS for your support. I have an expensive Barrister looking into the matter. We have had a number of investigations carried out and await a final report cost £14K and still they want more. I’m determined to win whatever it costs and if I’m not here then those left behind will have to sort it out to achieve a saleable property (yes it’s that bad).
I have a Brother who has said he will oversee what’s going on as the Barrister can be difficult. I’m at the end of my tether having provided endless evidence time after time to him. I cannot start again with another legal team. All this on top of how I am not dealing with the grief of my June. It’s a never ending nightmare. I am sorry for venting my head is in turmoil and so hate waking up.

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Don’t apologise. Keep venting, it will help!
Take care. Wishing you strength

I had another bad day yesterday. Whoever I speak to just say how sorry they are to hear June’s story. I spoke to a local councillor on the phone and disclosed my full story but it didn’t help me at all. The summary of the advice was not to do anything in haste. I disclosed I had actively looked at ending my misery.

I’m supposed to go to hospital for a dental biopsy on Thursday. I don’t know whether I will bother. The only thing is June my wife wrote a note on the envelope with the appointment date and time on. Is this an omen a sign a request for me to attend now she is no longer here?

I’m considering asking to speak to my GP to see if they will give me something to improve my mood short term. I don’t want to be more of a zombie than I am now. I have no interest in looking after myself. No appetite. I force myself to eat and the cupboards are getting low. I cancelled my supermarket delivery yesterday. I have no fresh vegetables left. I don’t have either the knowledge or the will to cook something from scratch. I have lost 2 stones in less than 5 weeks. I can afford to lose the weight. The house will be empty apart from me from this morning when I return my Mother home. More depressing than ever. All I have left are a photo and memories some good some horrific.

June would hate to think of you going through such turmoil. Please go to your dental biopsy.
Please also reach out to your GP
Please speak to the Samaritans when you no longer wish to go on. Life is so hard without our beloved partners, but go on we must.
There is lots of grief counselling available on here. I know it’s only speaking to someone but talking is good, it gets things out of your system.
Please don’t think you’re alone, there are always people who will help.
Please also make sure that you eat. You need the strength to carry on.
There are so many of us on our own without precious loved ones. It’s very hard to come to terms with.
Can you reach out to your brother more? He would hate to think of you in such pain.
Please try and remember the good times that June and you had together. Sometimes they make us sad, but sometimes they make us smile too which is a step in the right direction.
It’s very early days for you in your grief.
Please try and look after yourself for June’s sake.
Take care and reach out for help today.

JaneyS - Thank you for your support. I did what you suggested. I had the dental biopsy as I knew in my heart June would want me to go. June had written the date on the front of the appointment envelope. I also contacted the Doctor and was prescribed antidepressants. I took one - they take 14 days to get into your system. I was in pain from the biopsy and read the information sheet for the tablets. I was not happy with all the possible side effects so decided they are not for me. At that point my dental pain disappeared. It was as though June had arranged it as I know she would have been set against the idea. My only consolation is that June is not having to go through all the pain and grief I am going through considering her chronic disabilities. I hope June is in Heaven with the rest of her family pain free with all the other Angels.

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I hope that for our darling loved ones too

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Hi
sorry to hear such a sad story as yours i los my husband 2 months ago and would have been married 54 years next month he was ill for a long time and like you i also lost my temper and said some terrible things but its all in the process of trying to look after them and being tired and exagusted
and some people can be very ignorant to the situation you are going through because they have never gone through it themselves
i am sure everything looks so bleak at the moment with all whats going onin your life just dont try and do too much too soon you will just wear yourself out everything will work out in time and i am sure your lovely june will be watching over you
if you cant be bothered to cook fo yourself consider having a food delivery like farm fresh or some other company where meals are already prepared and you just have to warm them up but you must eat and keep your stregnth up to be able to carry on in her memmory

take care and good luck

pat

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Thank you Pat for your kinds words and encouragement. I will try. So quiet and lonely without my constant companion and Love of my life. I’m just pleased she has not had to go through this on top of all her other problems if you know what I mean. Take care and stay safe. Tony

Hi Tony
yes i do know you mean
luckily enough for me i have a lovely greyhound and she keeps me going
but do know what you mean about being quiet and lonely

pat

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Hi Shiney999. It’s good you’ve found this place as it does help to have someone to ‘get it out to’ even if no one reads but they will you get it out of your system which is what you need to do right now. Bless you for everything you say and are feeling and everyone on here is here because they miss and can’t believe what has happened to them it’s something to do with the 7 stages of grief.

  • Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
  • Pain and guilt. …
  • Anger and bargaining. …
  • Depression. …
  • The upward turn. …
  • Reconstruction and working through. …
  • Acceptance and hope.

I don’t think there is any time limit on any of those stages and sometimes if like me, you will jump backwards in amongst them and feel you are losing the battle. However, you aren’t, you are moving through them, which is all we can do. It must be the hardest thing in life we ever have to face losing someone we love and knowing our lives have changed forever. Grief takes time and there’s no way of jump starting it into the next stage, it will just come and go and come and go. However, if you can try and think of it as it was her time to go and nothing you could have done would have made much difference and don’t be too hard on yourself as you did your best at the time not knowing what was about to occur. In time we remember them without the heartache or at least the heartache doesn’t hurt like a knife and big black cloud.

None of us are privy to what lies ahead and maybe that’s just as well but try your hardest not to beat yourself up as she wouldn’t have wanted that, she would have wanted you to remember her with a smile in your heart not all the pain. The future unravels at it’s own time and in it’s own way, don’t hurry it and be kind to yourself as she would have been if she were there. Big big hugs and know you are not alone everyone here knows just how you’re feeling. RedPoppy hugs.

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Thank you.
I thought I was doing okay but just had a major melt down for no apparent reason. I’m trying to get through this taking as few prescribed meds as I can. I have had none so far today relying on taking a sleeping tablet at night. I read the support on here which helps immensely and hopefully confirms I’m not having a serious mental breakdown. The loneliness is killing me. I don’t want to go out. The condolence cards and letters have now stopped after 5 weeks as have the telephone calls. I do have an excellent neighbour who has visited often and brought me food. I’m truly on my own now though and it’s hurting.

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I know Shiney999 it does really hurt but I guess we kind of get used to it with time. I couldn’t even bear to put my cards up and almost stopped talking to everyone telling them I just wanted to be on my own. I guess we all deal with things differently. I just didn’t want to hear all the old platitudes with tears in my eyes. Trouble is those platitudes is all we’ve got really. You are most definitely not having a mental breakdown. What you’re feeling is all normal stuff and something I like to think is get through the next hour and try not to go too far ahead with my thinking as it’s too much to cope with. So - next hour how can I keep busy, meditate, read, relax and then the next hour how to get through that. I got myself some puzzles and get stuck into those helps me at times. If you like reading try Anita Moorjani who almost died and tells of this and the next life so eloquently. Again it might help. RedPoppy :slight_smile:

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Hi Tony
glad to hear you have a good neighbour that is making sure you eat whenever you feel lonely why not come on here and read a few messages and even answer some of them there are many topics you can read and maybe can help you see that theres plenty of people like you and many of us too perhaps you could find a hobby to do to keep you mind ticking over
take care and keep posting to let us all know how you are doing

pat

Thank you Pat.
I will try doing as you suggest. I’m not going out at present much at all. I never ventured far when June was here in case she needed me. I just don’t have any wish to meet people at present. I only use the phone when it’s absolutely necessary. Visitors are very few. I don’t think they know what to say or do when they can see me upset. I’m just trying to sleep as well as I can when I can and keeping warm in a cold house. Tony

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