Found out my Mam died today on what would have been her 67th birthday.
Her work called me to say she’d rang in sick on Wednesday with headaches and feeling unsteady, but hadn’t heard from her since and were worried. She didn’t say anything to me or my brother which was just like her, never one to cause a fuss. We both texted her this morning to wish her Happy Birthday, but hadn’t heard from her and assumed she was at work.
I was off work myself so went to her house and let myself in to check she was okay and found her, I don’t think I’ll ever get over that. Having spent a few hours with the Police and Paramedics, there are no obvious causes, so we’ll have to see what the coroner says - she didn’t have any health conditions and it’s all come completely out of the blue, but it looks like she probably died yesterday. We last spoke on Monday when I was promising her some more fridge magnets from a trip abroad I was due to go on tomorrow; I forgot the last time I went away.
Not sure why I’m writing this really, just feeling a bit overwhelmed and trying to process what’s happened I guess. It doesn’t feel real right now and I’m bouncing between sobbing and completely numb. We lost my Dad a long time ago when I was in my early twenties - I’d almost forgotten what it feels like.
Anyway, if anyone has any wise words on how to cope with the next few week’s or can take some comfort in knowing they’re not alone in their own grief, I’ll be checking back in from time-to-time.
I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your Mam that brings you here. How devastating for you on her 67th Birthday.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Hi,
After receiving your message I read your post and we are very similar, my mum was 68 and I always brought her fridge magnets when I went away! I totally undestand the pain and numbness and rawness of what you are going through. If you need someone to speak to thats not immediately involved im here. X
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply @Rachjoco , it really does help. Likewise if you ever need a friendly ear, I think I’ll on here a bit over the coming months. X.
So a few more days have passed since my Mam died on Friday. Trying to keep as close to my normal routine as possible in terms of eating and exercise, but have noticed around a 10bpm increase in my resting heart rate (yes, I’m a FitBit bore). I guess it’ll come back down again in time, but just shows you the impact that grieving has on your body.
Expecting to hear from the coroner tomorrow at which point I’m hoping we’ll at least know what happened and can get going with some of the horrible admin tasks that come with someone dying. I have her phone and saw she got a text this morning saying she’s eligible for a free NHS health check and to get one booked; the world can be an ironic place at times.
Met some funeral directors yesterday and meeting with the one we’ve chosen again this afternoon to go through the details. I’ll also need to go back to my Mam’s house for the first time since last week to get some paperwork, I’m not looking forward to that at all.
We’re going to ask someone like the Salvation Army to help with clearing my Mam’s house. She never specifically said that’s what she wanted, but I think that’s what she did for my Nana and she’s one of the few people I know who regularly left anything in the charity bags we all get through the door. I already know I’m going to really struggle going through her stuff, but do want to keep a few things like her jewelry and gifts we gave her to remember her by. Also thinking about picking a few of her clothes for a memory quilt.
Anyway, sorry for the long post, just trying to organise my thoughts. As ever, advice from anyone who’s gone through all of this always welcome.
So I heard from the coroner today, my Mam died from a perforated gastric ulcer. She must’ve had the ulcer for a while and either not known or not said anything. She was a private person when it came to things like her health and never wanted to worry anyone.
I know it’s part of the grieving process, but it’s torture thinking about what would have happened if I’d just called whilst there was still time to save her, if she’d called for help herself , the pain she must’ve been in or how frightened she must’ve been. I just miss her and the fact I’ll never get to see her again really hurts.
Best wishes to all of you who are struggling with your own losses and keep talking.