Lost my Mam

I lost my Mam in April very suddenly to a heart attack, I only moved back to the area a year previously after 17 years away. 3 months on I still don’t know how I should feel, I haven’t really cried or feel I’ve grieved properly or even what that should feel like. My kids are 3 and 6 and I feel annoyed that she left them at such a young age, they loved her so much and she was there one day and gone the next. I was close to my Mam and I now think I should be the strong one for my Dad and Sister, as they have always lived close by. What am I doing wrong here to feel like this?

Hi Jobberz,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your mam. Everyone is different and grief doesn’t follow a set pattern, so try not to worry too much about what it ‘should’ be like.

The important thing is not to bottle up your emotions when they do happen. There is no need for any of you to be the strong one - it is good if you can all share your feelings and memories of your mam together.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and I hope it helps a bit to share things here. You may find it helpful to read and reply to some other conversations to see what other people’s experiences were. For example:

Sally66 has just joined the site yesterday. She’s lost her mum and is also worried about supporting her dad: Coping with the loss of my mum

Here is an older post from Paul, who was also concerned about not grieving properly, and received some really helpful replies from the community: Difficulty grieving

If there is anything I can help with, or you have any questions about the site, just let me know.

Community Manager

Hi, thanks for the links to other posts.
I have still been feeling a bit lost as to how I should be feeling, I guess as I was away from my Mam for 17 years and only saw her 1-2 times a year hasn’t given me any sense of detachment as I rarely saw her, but I did speak to her every week at least twice, so its missing speaking to her I think??
My Dad is ok, my sister lives round the corner from him and the neighbours have been great, providing a few meals for him. So I haven’t been too worried about him, my Sister though is struggling, visiting mediums for a chance to contact her etc…I am never sure how to handle that!
Aware this post doesn’t make much sense to people, but it strangely helps me get stuff of my chest, I’m not sure who I could go to with it in “real life”.

Hi Jobberz
So sorry to hear about your mum, it all sound very difficult for you at the moment.
Do not try to push away how you feel. I have had two very traumatic bereavements in the past 14 months losing my mum and my son, and if I had not had help I do not know what I would have done. I have been having counselling for the death of my son and have found it invaluable to talk through my feelings. Grief shows itself in many ways, despair, anger, denial and so on.
Grief is different for everyone, there are no rules of how to think, feel and act, I am just trying to live day to day, I am unable to think about tomorrow.
Ask for help if you feel you need it. Your doctor should be able to help by referring you to a counsellor for a few weeks if you just need to talk.
Do not pretend you are alright if you are not, if someone asks how you are, be honest. I hope that you can take comfort from this site, there are so many of us in grief, we need to share and talk.
Take care