I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything. I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiancé loved each other as well. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, everything, and I didn’t mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time (a few months ago) and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she begged me not to take her just let her rest. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was lying in bed trying to get comfortable. I told her I would be back at 3pm and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30pm. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER, or if I had not dozed off, I could have helped her and she would still be here. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home" to be with our Lord and family, I know she didn’t want to leave me and I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. I have no idea how to shake this feeling. We talked every morning before I went to work, sometimes around lunch, and I went upstairs to see her every afternoon when I got home, and then talked 1 or 2 times after that at night. My mom was my routine and although a squeezed a couple things for myself in here and there she was my life. I can’t even stand being in my home because of not hearing her footsteps upstairs anymore. The silence is deafening. I walk upstairs and my brain can’t even process her not being there. Of course sometimes I had thoughts of what it would be like when she was gone and I would no longer have the responsibility, and now I feel guilty for having those thoughts and would give everything to have her back. I did everything for her and feel like I completely failed her in the end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
hello daryle, i’m sorry for your loss. from your description you did so much for your mum and more than most. stop overthinking, you can’t control everything. your mum knows you did all you could. we’ve all had shortcomings when it comes to relationships with our parents. despite this, guilt often becomes a way to cope with the intense pain of our mums passing. it’s part of grieving; we all go through it if we outlive our parents. give yourself the time and grace to heal and find your footing in a new way. my heart goes out to you.
Hi
I still feel guilt because like you i became my mums carer and somewhere along the way i lost sight that i was still her daughter. I regret this so much cause i did and do love her so much but caring became a burden at times and im sure she knew how i felt. I feel bad saying that and beat myself up now she has gone, only 4 weeks now, but i would give the world to have her here now. I took care of her, my brothers were useless and did nothing so its them im angry with too. Before mum died she said to me that she would miss me the most , that cuts me to pieces. How could i of ever resented her. I punish myself now by not eating its the only thing i can control. Im lost without her now
@Daryle I’m sorry for the agony of your grief, it’s hard to manage I know. Feeling guilty about what you think you should or shouldn’t have done is a normal response. But there’s really no point in torturing yourself by analysing the details. You did what you thought was right at the time and no amount of regret is going to change the outcome. Even if you had taken your Mum to the hospital the outcome would sadly probably have been the same. Focus now on processing your shock and being kind to yourself as you grieve. Take care xx