I lost my mom on the 7th of September. She was on end of life care for CKD stage 5. She had been ill for a while and I knew that eventually she was going to die but my grief seems to be getting worse as each day passes. I have lost all confidence in myself, I’ve got no motivation for anything and I just want the world to swallow me up. It was my birthday today as well and apart from the odd birthday wishes I’ve had from friends and family all I really wanted was to hear my mom wish me happy birthday. I’m dead inside. I couldn’t care less if I wake up or not tomorrow morning. The only positive from it being my birthday today is that I am that little bit closer to death and to seeing my mom again. 
I’d like to add that I have never been really close to my dad (mommy’s boy) and I don’t have many friend so I feel that I don’t really have anyone to turn to. I don’t have a partner (never married) or kids so I am practically alone on this grief journey. My life is shit to be fair…
@Aden ,
First & foremost, happy birthday to you, sending you a huge birthday hug!
I feel your pain, I truly do, my mam has been 7 weeks today, at 12.42pm, it sticks in my heart like a knife, honestly
I have found this forum helpful, carry on posting, shout, scream, rant,rave, you won’t be judged, everyone’s journey is specific to them, there are no txt book rules for grief, we ll have our own journey to navigate
Above everything, be kind to yourself, a saying that I found shi&e to begin with, but now makes sense to me
Love & hugs to you
Jean xx
Thank you Jean, your reply means a lot. I’m usually very guarded and don’t share my feelings to many people if any but something compelled me to open up here last night. I know that I need help and support but don’t know where to turn. I had to collect my mom’s ashes today as well. My dad wants to scatter her ashes over my nan’s grave but I don’t. I have bought a beautiful urn to store her ashes in because I want her to be near me at all times and not being blown away or washed away in a cemetery. How can I connect or feel close to her that way. It might just be a jar of ashes but to me it’s my mom.
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Hi @Aden ,
I had wished my mam had been cremated, purely so that I can have her ashes close to me, but that wasn’t her wish, but, I do have items of her clothing, would that maybe something that would work for you?, to feel her close to you, something that you can physically hold of your mams, I actually sleep with my mams dressing gown & it gives me great comfort
Personally in don’t think there is any rush to do anything urgently with your mams ashes, but you’ll need to have a conversation with your dad about that especially with you both having different opinions
I can vividly recall being 4 weeks after my mam passed, I honestly just wanted to go &join her, yep, it is pain, like physical pain, but honestly, deep breaths, focus on the happier times
If ever you want a chat I am here for you, so are lots of other people on here, we are all walking the same journey
Take care
Jean x
I never knew my mom’s actual final wishes, just that she wanted to be cremated rather than buried. My dad organised a no frills cremation with no service. I have mixed emotions about it because I would have liked for family and friends to attend a service but on the other hand I know that my mom wouldn’t have wanted all the fuss. My parents home is still the way it was when my mom died, her cardigans are still on the sofas, her dressing gown is still on the bed we had installed in the front room. It hurts every time I see it and I can still smell her scent on her clothes. I love my dad but I resent the fact that he seems to be moving on but I’m not. It has been a month but it feels like it’s going to take years (in fact I don’t want to get over it). My mom was also my best friend, my rock and the glue that held the family together. I can’t see a future without her.
Even the medications that the district nurse prescribed for her, Morphine, Midazolam etc. are still on the coffee table. I want to be close to my dad but the leftovers are to much to bear…
@Aden ,
I do feel your pain, I truly do, it affected me initially because close family weren’t grieving the same way I was, but I have since learned that , although it hurt me immensely, people grieve differently, I assumed mine was the right way, sh/t loads of tears, couldn’t hold myself together, couldn’t concentrate on anything but my mam, my mam, my mam had gone & people weren’t crying & feeling the same hurt!!
but, I accept now, that it’s different for different people
Maybe your dad’s way is to keep everything the same, possibly to keep her memory alive?
My mam wouldn’t have wanted fuss at her ‘going away party’, she paid for her funeral back in 2018, when she was fit & healthy, she was sooo organised, but when the time came, she had balloons, chocolates, tons of photos at her wake, she would have told me off, ‘waste of money’, but I done her proud!
Was I right, was I wrong, I really don’t know, but I done what I thought was best at the time, undoubtedly that’s what your dad has done, next time you are there, take some clothing if mams & I sincerely hope it gives you comfort
Much love
Jean x
Thank you. I know that you are still going through the same thing. I feel that all I have talked about is me and my situation but I understand that you are also still grieving and I’m sorry for not acknowledging that initially. I feel that I should have done more to honour my mom but I fell apart and let my dad take control of everything, no frills, no service, no family and friends…and I regret it. My mom was very close to her sisters. I feel that I have also let them down by not insisting on a funeral service. Everything seems in such a mess.
@Aden ,
Honestly, don’t bother about not acknowledging my grief, it’s not until you come on here that you realise there are so many people in the same boat & all on different journeys
Please don’t beat yourself up about your mam not having a big funeral, with dad being NOK he was in the driving seat, I’m sure her sisters would have realised that & it was out of your control
Have a nice day Aden
Jean x
I’m so sorry for your loss @Aden and how you’re feeling about everything in the aftermath of your Mum’s passing. I lost my Dad nearly 11 months ago now and I miss him such a lot. Although he was nearly 92, he was pretty fit and healthy, he caught pneumonia and died within 12 days of going into hospital. Such a shock for the family. As it was near to Christmas, and I guess a busy time for funerals (horrible time of year being winter and people catching respiratory illnesses), we had the service in-between Christmas and New Year. That whole time went by in such a blur 
Fast forward to today and although I miss him probably more now then when he passed, the grief is no longer all consuming. It still comes in waves and I think about him all the time but I’m able to (mostly) rationalise why he died…that took me an age to do that. I can smile at the memories I have and I still relive conversations we had and that gives me comfort. He’s very much alive in my heart and always will be. The raw pain of loss you’re feeling right now is perfectly understandable and you need to be kind to yourself and take everything one day at a time.
Would you consider grief counselling? It might help you during these sad times. Do you have a close friend or family member you could open up to, not necessarily your Dad? Perhaps they could speak to your Dad about putting away your Mum’s clothes and even help you both do this, at least then you won’t have to see them around the family home. It might be your Dad finds comfort having them around, like your Mum is still with him. Definitely keep them for now but somewhere you don’t have to see them, if you don’t want to. My Mum still has my Dad’s jacket hanging in the hallway and oddly we don’t notice it there now yet still know its there and we like this. I kept some of my Dad’s clothes and my auntie made a lovely memory bear for me and my daughter. We love them and feel so close to my Dad, both having something he wore and we have photos of him, with us, in them. Perhaps you could do this, even if you’re unable to look at it now, you’ll always have it. Do you think you could have a special get-together with close friends and family to celebrate your Mum’s life? A meal out to somewhere she enjoyed going? Or even ask for suggestions from them as to how they’d like to remember such a special lady. It might be lovely to be together and talk about her. I found that at my Dad’s service, something I absolutely dreaded until I was there and it was such a comfort to be around people. It sounds as though your Mum wanted to spare you all that sadness and maybe in the hope you’d all share happier times afterwards, when you can celebrate her life in a different way. That was very kind of her to do this.
There’s no hard and fast rules about what should and shouldn’t happen after someone has passed and all your feelings are perfectly valid. You will find your way through this but be kind to yourself and use every bit of support open to you for when you need it and try and busy yourself during times when you don’t want company.
I would definitely firstly ask your Dad if you can take the medication no longer needed to your local pharmacy to be taken care of. It must be so difficult seeing that around the home too.
Use this forum as often as you need to - there are some amazing people to “talk” to. Its helped me no end.
Sending 
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I’m glad to hear that the grief gets easier. My mom was only 75 but she had been plagued with so many illnesses and the last couple of years she’d been in and out of hospital. I don’t feel that I have anyone who I can talk to. I have just shut myself off from the world. Work has come to a standstill (I’m self employed). The only time I leave house is to walk my dog or visit my dad. And although I’ve been spending more time than ever at my dad’s there’s a lot painful reminders in the house, not just her medications on the table but her cardigans still draped over her favourite chair, dressing gowns still hanging up. We had a bed installed in the lounge last Christmas when she came out of hospital and could hardly walk or get to the toilet. Seeing the bed each time I’m there is almost too much to bear as I sat and watched her take her last breath in that bed. My dad says that he doesn’t want to get rid of the bed or any of her clothes at the moment and that he’s going to leave things as they are. I don’t want to get rid of anything either or put them out of sight for that matter but every time I see that bed all I see is my mom lying there dead
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For me grief definitely has been more bearable than I ever could have imagined in the early days of my Dad’s passing @Aden . I do know though its a different journey for all who have to take it. In lots of ways I was fortunate that my Dad’s illness was short and also fortunate that he was in hospital when he passed as he’d already been out of my Mum’s for 12 days. I’m sure that made a difference as in that time she’d already washed any clothes, tidied up his things, all ready for him coming home. We hadn’t thought he wouldn’t get better. Although we were with him when he passed, it was in hospital and somewhere we’ve not had to be since. I’ve always hoped my Dad was comforted we were with him as he couldn’t be at home, somewhere I’m sure he would have preferred to have been. I can’t imagine how sad seeing your Mum’s belongings around still and in your mind reliving her last moments must be for you both. For your Mum though, staying in her home, with so much love around her, I’m sure brought comfort which I hope you can both draw on now. She sounds like such a brave and special lady with how she battled her illnesses over the years. When you and your Dad are feeling better able to cope, you will move things when its right for you both. I’m sure in your heart your Mum will give you that strength. Everyone is different and there’s no hard and fast rules for anything during these early days but sometimes taking what seems like a huge step, such as removing the bed, is cathartic and helps the mind to deal with the grief bit by bit. Its all baby steps right now.
How are you and your Dad a couple of weeks on from when we last messaged?
Sending you both