I don’t know what to feel.,most of the time . I lost my mom last February 2020, just this year. Sometimes , I feel ok, but most of the time I have this bottled anger. I feel like I didn’t do more before she died . She passed away because of sepsis infection, due to her operation on her head 3 years ago. Me and my siblings did not have the money anymore to save her. I was in the Philippines that time, when she was confined in the hospital. My sister told me that my mother said she still wanted to live, however the infection has spread out to her vital organs. We needed 3 specialist to be able to try saving her. The infection was so quick, and we did not have time to secure the funds to pursue the surgery. In short, she did not make it. I just feel like it’s our fault that we lost our mother, due to lack of funds. Sometimes, I just end up crying due to frustrations. I somehow hate myself for not doing anything more. 
Dear mtreec,
Please do not hate yourself! You sound like you are a caring person who loved your mum very much and did all you could to try and help her. If I understand correctly, your mum lived in the Philippines and had no free healthcare like we have here in England? If she did have sepsis and the infection had spread to her organs, even if you and your siblings had been able to pay for further treatment, there is no guarantee that she would have survived. Sepsis is a very serious condition. You write that you do not know how to feel and that you have bottled anger. There is no right and wrong, when it comes to how we feel, we all deal our own way with grief. Anger is a common reaction. It is good that you can cry. Are you able to talk about your feelings with your siblings? I hope that you are also able to share happier memories of your mum with them and think back of all the things that you have been able to do for her when she was alive, rather than keep thinking about what you could not do.
Jo
Sorry to hear about your mum here if you need to talk
I had exactly the same with my mother couple of weeks ago like a cancer took her bowls then put stents in and they coursed sepsis but they put the death down to cancer witch has confused me as to me it was sepsis not cancer I am 22 and my mother was my beast friend was just me and her now I feel my best friend has gone I was there holding her hand till the last minute but I still feel I wasn’t there enough or could have done more xox