I lost my mum on 17th dec 2019. She died in our local hospital after an at home heart attack. I live with my parents after my own health lost me my then job and my own home. I have PTSD chronic depression and anxiety due to surviving domestic violence. I managed to move on to a new life but my health caught up with me. So I came home two years ago. Over the last six months I have cared for my mum who had leg ulcers and colitis and worked a job for the NHS. My mum was my life out of work and my depression buddy as my father doesn’t understand my mental health issues. I am trying to cope with the funeral arrangements, supporting my dad supporting two of mum’s friends who have been hit hard by this and trying to grieve. I was brought up to not be a bother and my father gets angry when I try to talk to him. I just need someone to understand me.
sorry for the loss of your mum.sounds like your going through the ringer.i cannot understand your dads reaction ,maybe he as he own way of showing he cared for your mum,or he just cant handle whats happened.havent you got other family members who could help you.plenty of people on here have lost there mums,some may be able guide you in the right direction and how to handle your dad and your mums friends.some may tell you how they dealt with the situation.sorry im no real help just want show you there are plenty who care.you should contact your doctor he/she may be able help in some way or another.
Thank you Jianye,
I have spoken to my gp, I start counselling with my assessment appointment on monday, my antidepressants have been increased and I am an only child, with no partner or children of my own, I have a fur baby called patch and he has been a god send. I think you are right about my dad not handling it at all well but he refuses to acknowledge his grief and will not talk to anyone. I am so grateful that you have replied to me. When I had a nervous breakdown two years ago a lot of my friends did not know how to talk to me and withdrew until I was well again. I could not cope with that again, my mum was the one person who did not draw back at that time and she has gone. Thank you for taking time to talk to me your reply has made me feel not so alone.
Aww your not a bother talking about it. You will see over the next couple of days there will be lots of people on here that will be around to talk.
I too lost my mum around 9 months ago now and still miss her every day, my heart hurts without her…my dad passed away when I was younger so I’m just a loner now lol.
Your dad is probably still in shock, it may be that it’s too painful for him talk about it at the moment so he chooses not to and anger is all part of the grief stage, so it’s perfectly “normal” for him to be angry. In regards to your mums friends, it’s nice you are looking out for them but take a step back and look after yourself also. You have lost the most important person in the world and your best friend, you need to allow yourself to grieve.
Come on here and keep posting how you feel and I’m sure there will be lots of people who will listen. Big hugs xxxxxx
Thank you. I am struggling at times, dad left me to sort everything out. This evening he complained that I had told him nothing about what I had done in regards to planning the funeral, notifying the gov agencies closing mum’s bank account contacting the funeral director. I have consulted him every step of the way as per mum’s wishes. (Mum and I had a talk about two months before she died as she was having a bad day with the pain from her legs and her colitis.) So I knew what mum wanted, she tried to tell dad but he just blocked it out and changed subject. Tonight it would have ended in an argument but I walked out of the sitting room until he calmed down. He is not the easiest person to get on with when he is stressed and I understand that he has lost his life partner. And his grief is tremendous (they wouldhave been married 50 years next year) but it is hard when he is taking it out verbally on me as I am the only one in the house apart from him, and I am grieving the loss of my mum and best friend. Thank you for listening(reading) to me. You are very kind. Thank you.
Hi Sotired, you are among friends here so do not feel you are a bother. Nobody thinks that of you here.
I’m very sorry to hear about your loss and I can see that you are having a very tough time of it at the moment. Your relationship sounds a bit strained with your dad at the moment and of course at times like this, major loss etc. will put strains on peoples emotions to such an extent where they may say or do things that aren’t very nice. Mental health is a serious thing and we all need to look after ourselves, you are doing the best you can at the moment and that is all anyone could ask of you. I know this is easy for me to say but try not to take your dad’s behaviour towards you as something that you are doing wrong. I know the funeral is a major deal right now and something which unfortunately has to be done. I just hope you can get through it and then try to look after yourself more and spend time working through your own grief. I also hope that your dad can find some peace in time too. Let it all out on these forums and many people will listen and empathise with you. This is a great place, not to feel good, but to feel like you are being understood and listened to. You are never a bother.
Hello Shaun, sorry for the delay in replying, but have been unwell with an infection for the last couple of weeks. Planning the funeral looking after dad and supporting mums best friends took its toll. Today one of mum and dad’s friends rang up dad was out so I took the call. The friend spoke to me with suspicion in his voice and when I answered his questions about mum’s funeral. The funeral I am arranging since dad understandably cannot bring himself to organise . The friend brushed off my help said he would get directions to the funeral from another friend and only wanted to speak to dad. When dad got back I told him this and he shrugged his shoulders it wasn’t his friends fault that I was spoken to impolitely it was my fault because the friend did not know me. I am so angry that he is still defending these damn rude people and the fact these peoples behaviour makes me feel like trash doesn’t seem to bother him. So instead of riling his temper again I have distanced myself from
Dad so i do not start yet another argument. Because I will only get the blame thrown in my face again. So now he is trying to get me to talk. I told him I had a headache as I am not strong enough for another row about some not all mind you of his and mum’s friends brushing me off like I do not exist. Since when has it been my fault that my parents seem to have not told some of their friends that they have a daughter?
Hi Sotired, no problem in the delay. It’s bad enough dealing with the loss of someone so close but to be ill at the same time is horrible. I know how tough it is organising a funeral and I don’t just mean the practicalities of talking to officials and contacting people who would want to come. Are you doing all the arranging yourself? Obviously I don’t know all the background details but I do find it a bit strange that some of your parent’s friends don’t seem to know of your existence? I can imagine how that would make you feel, What about a good close understanding friend, perhaps they may be able to help you get through this bit? Certainly I’ve never known rowing to help any situation so you are wise to avoid it as it will obviously harm your relationship with your dad and just give you even more stress. One thing you have to accept in life in that along the way, you’ll meet rude people and people who don’t understand and end up saying the wrong things or just don’t care. That seems to crop up in these forums and if you don’t have to ever meet or talk with them again then I would just forget about them and move on with your life as best you can. I realise that’s not always easy though! It seems death can bring out the best and worst in friends and relatives.
Well said Shaun,
I agree with every word you have said.
I hope that you are starting to feel better, I have read your posts and they are so touching yet sensible.
Hi SoTired, firstly I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I lost my Dad on the 3rd of November and like you, I have some let’s say, awkward family relationships. My Dad was also my best friend, he was the one I could talk to about anything without judgement. All I ever got from dad was unconditional love. Like you, I did a lot of the organising myself for his funeral but to be honest although it was a blur at the time, the distraction was welcome from the sheer pain I’m feeling. My Mum and I have an extremely strained relationship and I have not really had much support from her. (My mum is married to my step Dad) in fact in the recent days, she’s now declared she is ‘done with me and my grief’ so I can totally relate to the lack of support. At least you can say to yourself your Dad is grieving and is probably struggling coming to terms with the loss also.
I’ve also struggled with heavy anxiety and depression and have avoided people like the plague and I’m still signed off work. Everyone is different and I’m still learning to go at my own pace. One thing I’ve been told from my counsellor and others on this forum is that you can’t expect too much from yourself. You’re still at a very raw stage and your emotions will be all over the place. We’ve suffered the worst kind of trauma and it is now more than ever that we need to learn to be kind to ourselves. People call it being selfish, I call it deserving of our own time. Take it easy and please, go day by day. I found it harder when I tried to look at the future and tbh I couldn’t, as my number 1 person wasn’t in it anymore.
You’re among friends here and can come on and say whatever you want when you like. I promise someone will be there to listen. You are never a bother. People who haven’t experienced what we have just don’t know what to do or say, take no heed of them.
Much love to you and remember you’re not alone x
Hi MaryL, thank you for your kind words. I try to be sensible most of the time and help others which in turn helps me! I do feel a bit better than I did, still have a long way to go though but at least I am getting there. I keep reminding myself that no matter what I feel like or what I do, I cannot change what has happened. This is acceptance and is tough.
Anyway, I enjoy reading your posts as well!
Thank you, Shaun x
Hi. There. So many can’t cope with bereavement or mental heath issues. It really is a case of ‘there but for the grace of God go I’. None of us knows when grief or mental pain will hit us and we are so unprepared.
Your loss on top of your mental health problems is a double whammy. I too, many years ago, went through a painful breakdown which turned into a ‘breakthrough’, but that’s another story. Now I know about real bereavement. Your father may be incapable of coping with such trauma. Many of us are just not equipped to deal with such disasters so tend to get angry and, seemingly, unpleasant and uncaring. Please try not to judge.
In spite of how you feel you do seem to be coping well. It’s amazing how courage can come to us at the right moment. We all have it. It’s not just given to the few. YOU ARE NOT A BOTHER!! Now that is something that can never apply on this site. You can be as open as you like and unload here without fear of criticism or judgement. Our pain is common to us all.
Understanding is so important, but understanding comes with experience. It’s difficult to have empathy when you have not been there yourself. Many non sufferers have it though. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. You need help. Have you anyone close to talk to who would understand?
Blessings and my prayers are with you. John.