Lost my mum in January and I can’t cope

My beautiful Mum died in Jan this year from a brain tumour she’d battled for almost a year. I genuinely just can’t cope anymore. It’s been four months and it’s only getting harder and yet my brain still tells me constantly that she’s still here so it won’t allow me to feel anything. I just can’t bare it anymore, waking up everyday without her. I’m only 24 and I can’t bare the thought of facing every day without her. I hate my job, none of them even know that’s she’s passed away and everything I do just makes me anxious and I hate going anywhere because I just don’t want to be around anyone. I miss my dad terribly too and I can’t see him because of covid. I’ve just had enough and I miss her more than anything in the world. I’d give anything to swap places with her. Xx

My heart goes out to you, have you any family close by ? I know that at the moment, we can’t meet up with others how we would like to ,but you need support, have you thought about going to see your GP , or you could get in touch with Cruise, everybody grieves in their own way, there is no right or wrong and 4 months is not long at all, losing your Mum is always hard, be kind to yourself xx

I lost my mum in January as well and I feel like it is just getting harder as well. I think to myself every morning ‘ok mum that’s enough now, you can come back’
This pandemic couldn’t have come at a worse time for people trying to grieve, I hate thinking about my dad home alone.
All we can try and do is keep telling ourselves we can do this, it’s the first thing I say to myself every day! Like Jude28 said 4 months isnt a long time and we are still allowed to be feeling like this. Its completely normal xx

I just saw your post and I am so sorry for your loss. I dont know you but I my heart goes out to you and I am very worried about you. You were obviously very close to your mum and this covid situation has made things much harder. Also you are so young to have lost your mum that none of your friends can possibly understand the trama you are going through because it is unlikely that any of them has experienced something similar.
For no one at your job to know can make it so much more difficult for you.
Perhaps you dont want your collegues to know but do you have a decent boss because you need to inform them of your situation. You may be allowed paid time off. Your boss will have to give you extra consideration if you are having an off day because of your situation. Isnt there anyone at work you trust that you might be able to tell who will give you some support. All your emotions are perfectly natural given your situation but you need some support from somewhere. If you get really down phone breathing space and cry down the phone it may be a complete stranger but at least someone will be there to listen to you.

Your dad must be grieving too I know because of COVID that you now feel you have lost them both. You should phone him often or use video chat. Have a now sanctioned garden visit. You are allowed to visit him to drop off groceries at the door and stay 2 meters away I know its not the same as crying and hugging together.

Could you perhaps go on furlough from work and get the 80% pay and move back in with your dad for a bit. You would then be living in the same household. Your dad must be having an extremely difficult time too. Do you have anyone who could support you friends or maybe an aunt even if it is a socially distanced visit or a phone call, please dont isolate yourself more than you have to.

Is there any nice walks near where you live? Please go out and get a walk and make yourself some small meals. I know how hard this is but take one step at a time. Is there some hobby your mum had or that you shared that you could continue with just now. Did your mum have any really close friends that would appreciate a phone call from you. Sharing there memories of your mum might make you feel a little better. If its possible let her friends take care of you a little I bet they are grieving too but would be grateful to help you because they feel that by helping you they are doing something for her. If there is someone like that dont be afraid to reach out to them.

Know that even if you do have very few people in your life that you have strangers on this site routing for you and caring for you. Know that a piece of your mum is still there everytime you look in the mirror and that part of her lives on inside you.

Take care of yourself and know that if you need to there is no shame in asking the GP for help. But please if you need help look for it.

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I lost my Mum in January, 11 months after losing my Dad. Today is Dad’s heavenly birthday, 4 weeks ago my Mums heavenly birthday. I am not coping with any of it. I have been in lockdown since March 15th so not been out. Seen anyone but my Husband who yes is annoying me by not understanding anything. I so much luckier than you are as I had my parents much longer than you have had your Mum… I am critically ill and crashed out 3 weeks ago, it was so scary and all I wanted was my Mum to constantly ring me as she always used to. I don’t know the answer. Wish I did… Would we be coping b err without Covid. Possible. I can’t see a future, but noone can. You need to try and reach out and talk to someone but I know it’s not easy to do that. I have switched myself off I think as being only way to cope. Good luck and keep talking on here as it helps. X,

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I know what it is like to have an illness of your own and deal with losing parents. I am worried about you too. I really hope you have someone in your life to give you some support and look after you while you are ill. Maybe your Husband wants to understand even if he doesn’t and that is something if he wants to be there for you but doesnt know how to cope how to help you. If that is the case that he does care lots then talk to him tell him that you know he doesn’t understand what you are going through but tell him that its ok just wanting to be there is enough (it might not be but it is a good starting point). Switching yourself off is totally understandable but it pushes away the people who do care so that when you do need them they may no longer be there so keep the lines of communication open tell people you are glad that they want to be there but that you are sorry that you cant cope with that right now but that you will need them in the future and you appreciate their kindness. This means that when you do need them they will still be there and they wont give up on you and just move on. I know how hard it is not to see a future when you have had so much to deal with and if you have had to deal with it on your own. You need someone you can rely on to support your own health and even if its just with a phone call. Is your mother-in-law alive, do you get on if so would she send you a wee text in lieu of your mother. If she cares about you then she would be honoured to do this for you and for you to let her in, in this way. Or do you have any children of an age where they would give you a call or siblings. Pick someone to be your incase of emergency. Take care. Thinking of you.

I’m so sorry I’ve just seen your message. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to write such lovely words, they really do mean a lot to me. I’ve taken sick leave from work as I’m struggling- I don’t even feel sad I just don’t feel anything and I hate it. My brain won’t let me process that Mum isn’t here and won’t be coming back. My dad is doing okay but he misses mum terribly and feels desperately lonely. I miss my old life so much. Big hugs to you, stay safe xxxx

I understand. I feel lost

.i feel lost. Completely lost. Go to ring her, expect her to ring me Full of guilt. They both had to go into care, she didn’t want to go I to care. I feel guilt as I could not look after her. She fell alot, I am myself critically ill, I can’t lift so could not pick her up. But I feel so guilty. Until I forgive myself I know I can’t move on.
So glad you have taken leave from work, trying to concentrate on work must be so difficult… On the end of the Internet if you need to scream… Best wishes. Jan

I am so glad you replied I was very worried about you. Taking sick leave is a positive step anything you do to help yourself is a positive step. It may not feel like it but it is. Not feeling anything is natural and yes it is a horrible feeling it is also natural to not understand your mum isnt coming back isn’t just on the other end of the phone or even if you go visit your dad and not finding her there. Even when you think you are doing a bit better you have birthdays and christmass and mothers day to contend with. It isnt easy and it wont be. Not feeling and not processing the feeling of being numb is your mind and bodies way of protecting you from your full blown grief. It will come in waves. You need to find a space for memories. Spend some time with your mums friends - talk to them on the phone or a garden visit. Sharing that support and knowing that someone is there would be good for you. I understand where you are at. You can never get your old life back and that is so very hard but you can take the part of your mum that resides in you along with you. You can talk to your mum when you are on your own. I know my aunt took comfort in that when my dad died. She told me she talked to his photo. I talked to the sea when I went for a walk and no-one was about. It helped a little but then it was all I had at the time. Your dad might be ok in general because he accepts his loss and is grieving he is just at a different stage than you. Lonliness is very very hard after you lose someone close it leaves a great hole. You both will get comfort talking about your mum and thinks she used to enjoy, you can slowly find ways to treasure her memory and make those memories part of your future. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

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Hi Meebee, thank you so much for your lovely message. It really does mean the world to me. I’ve been pretty low lately- my ‘dream’ job is actually turning into a bit of a nightmare, I moved away from home before mum was ill in 2018 and then moved back when she was ill, but since she’s passed away I moved back up north to start my new job and it’s the biggest mistake of my life. My boyfriend lives up here and I love him so much but honestly I’m done. I want to be with my dad, I miss him so much and I worry about him endlessly. I miss my mum more than anything, I just want her back. I HATE HATE HATE my job because I just spend all day trying not to cry and not talking to anyone because anything sets me off. Losing mum has knocked all of my confidence and I feel like such a shadow of who I once was. I want to move home and I’m done with it here. I just want my family back. Sorry for the moan, I could just really use a friend xx

Dont apologise. We all need a moan sometimes. And this site is a great place to do that because there are loads of people on here just like you and we understand what others cant. I am here on and off quite regularly to have a wee moan and share too. This site has really helped me. It is totally natural that you want your mum back and that you feel like you want to cry all the time and dont berate yourself for it. It sounds like what you really need is a holiday and to go and stay with your dad, even if its only for a couple of weeks to get your head on straight and decide what you want to do. As they have now relaxed the rules a little with the COVID. Would this be a possibility for you, it might give you the breathing space you need. Since originally this was a dream job but now a nightmare perhaps you might like it again if you could get some space while you went and dealt with your grief.
For some like me it was easier to go into work because this time around when I lost my mum it was easier to go in order to stop me from sinking too far and my main group of support was at work, although I am getting a new boss so that will change. However when my dad died I was also getting sexually harassed and bullied at work and my physical health was very bad so I was very run down and had no support at work it was a hellish situation much like yours. I changed my situation by putting in a complaint to my boss’s boss and I reduced my hours and went part-time.
My point is that you need to find your own solution that will work for you and you cant see that just now so perhaps a wee break with your dad would help you find yourself again. The losing your confidence and the shadow thing is also so normal. Don’t make any rash decisions talk to a boss at work or if a large company perhaps you could take a leave of absence or get a transfer. Dont give up on your boyfriend if you love him because of your grief. I think that you have had so many changes in your life all at once moving up north means that your friends all probably live near your dad and because of your boyfriend and your job and your mum you wont have had much of a chance to make many new friends where you now live and the friends you have and family you have left are so very important when we have such a loss of someone so close. Because of your grief you are probably shutting everyone out at your work because everything is so very raw for you just now.
The thing is you miss your mum because she is gone but part of her still remains and is part of you and will be so for as long as you live. I think that is something that probably helps your dad. The thing is you dont want to cry at work because its unprofessional and you cant cope with others seeing you cry but not crying makes you feel like crying more you need a safe space to cry and bawl your eyes out. You need to talk to your personnel officer hr dept and explain your situation. Tell them that about your mum that you loved your job but you cant see straight just now and can you have some time off. Also ask if your work has access to trained counsellors some do, if not I think that it would really benefit you to get one. Even on here. Or perhaps if you do go back and stay with your dad for a couple of weeks perhaps you could see someone together. Also a really great safe space to cry would be with your mums friends could you try phoning one of them and talking to them and let them talk about all the stuff they did with your mum. It could make you feel a little better. Oh before I sign off talk to your boyfriend and discuss going back and staying with your dad for a bit maybe he could get a few days holiday and come with you stay a couple days and then maybe you could make arrangements for him to come and pick you up say two weeks or a month later depending on your work.

I am not saying this will fix things or make your grief any less but it could give you enough space to not be as raw and to be able to cope with your job and your situation, a little perspective. And it will give you the space to keep your options open but make any new decisions after you have had space to breakdown and get back up. It takes time to mend a broken heart. And right now yours is broken.

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By the way if you want to private message me you can. sending you virtual hugs.

So sorry for your loss. I have an idea of how you feel. It’s horrible because this virus has made things a million times more difficult.

My Dad self isolated for 2 weeks and then came to live with us. He helped with my newborn and also it helped me helping him if that makes sense!

Now he’s gone back home to get into his own routine again I’m struggling hence joining Sue Ryder x